Page 97 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

THE WAY THEY LOOK AT ME

Cassandra

Angelina hands my general exam results back to me, slides the three pages from her desk to mine, crosses one leg over the other, and pops another piece of gum into her mouth.

The air around us stills, an artificial scent of strawberry candy and sugary milk hitting me. I stare at the grades written at the top of the paper for a second, trying not to have a panic attack over my most recent failure.

“Want some?” Her tone is nonchalant, unbothered.

I catch her sneaking a look at her own results before rolling her eyes. Clearly, she’s not as worried about this as I feel.

I can taste the sweetness of the gum on my tongue. My nose twitches. “No, thanks.”

It’s amazing how a bad reputation can both pull people in and push them away.

Zacharias wants nothing to do with Kayla now, and watching the aftermath is unsettling.

The rest of the school either agrees with him.

I’m slutty, desperate, and terribly boy-obsessed, or they’re too busy drowning in schoolwork to care.

College applications are also looming. It’s overall just a very stressful time.

Angelina sticks to me like I might vanish if she looks away for too long. Weirdly enough, I don’t mind it. We’re friends, apparently. At least, the kind who sit together in class, at lunch, or any other time in between.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’s our shared history with Caleb that keeps her around. Now, she finally has someone to relate to. Other times, I think it’s our hatred of Sainte Madeleine, Maria, and Alice, and anyone who dares to look at us funny.

Angelina chews slowly, brown eyes narrowing when Kayla lets out a frustrated sigh. “What’s up?”

I press my palms against my cheeks, heat creeping in. My rosacea always acts up at the worst time, and using concealer every day is only making it worse.

The curly-haired girl sighs again, her shoulders tensing. “Nothing.”

“Obviously it’s not nothing.” Angelina taps her fingers against the desk, impatient. “What’s wrong?”

I roll my eyes and pull out my phone, quickly texting Beckett back.

Beckett: Bringing Pepé to the vet again. Are you okay?

Me: hi.

still at school.

i’m fine, and you?

Beckett: I’m okay, too…

I miss you.

Me: i know.

I miss you too :(

Beckett: I miss you more.

He’s worried about me. I found him sleeping in Lucia’s bedroom because it faces mine, dropping by unannounced, more than a couple of times just to make sure I was okay. Yesterday, he even brought in Pepé just to cover up for the fact that he wanted to see me instead.

I don’t know what to do with the attention and affection. Even though I like him, and it seems like he might also really like me back, something about allowing him to come any closer feels off.

I don’t trust myself around him, and I don’t know if I trust him either. Last time I tried to be with a boy, I got pulled into a huge mess. God knows what my brother might do to me if he keeps coming around.

The texts I’ve been avoiding are piling up.

I scroll through them, feeling my chest tighten. Boys are always trying to start something now that they know how available I am. It’s unnerving. They won’t leave me alone, and I’m starting to hate this other type of attention. I don’t trust them either, not even for a second.

Kayla zips her backpack in silence, ignoring Angelina’s question. She throws one last glare at the board before muttering a curse under her breath. I follow her gaze, trying to see what’s bothering her so much. That’s when I realize that her name is surprisingly written underneath Alice’s.

“Hey.” I place my hand on her shoulder and squeeze it gently, trying to get her attention. “Are you okay?”

She doesn’t look fine.Her full lips are pursed into a small pout, and when she notices us staring at her, her face falls. I can even imagine a few cartoonish flames flying at the top of her head.

“This doesn’t make any sense. I’m never second place!“ Kayla mutters, shaking her head. “You know what that means, right? She’s got a better overall score!”

Alice snorts from across the room, filing her nails absentmindedly. Kayla tenses, pulling away from my touch, and Angelina and I exchange a look.

Mrs. Yun believes in fair competition. She ranks students by their overall score, and Kayla usually comes out on top. She’s that insanely smart. But today, her name isn’t coming up first. In fact, she’s second in line.

“Who are you laughing at, dickhead?” Angelina snaps, shoving her things into her purse angrily. “Leave Kayla alone!”

Alice tilts her head, smiling without showing any teeth. “Did I say something? I don’t think I ever even mentioned her name.”

“We know how to guess,” Angelina answers dryly. She glances at Kayla, who’s tightening her ponytail, fingers undoing her curls when she brushes them down the strands. “Kay-kay, don’t let her get in your head.”

“I’m not!” Kayla’s voice is sharp and defensive.

“Sure, you aren’t.” Alice’s smile lingers maliciously. Her eyes are soft as she stares at Kayla, but there’s nothing kind about her tone. “Don’t be so dramatic about it, Kayla. You’re still the golden girl.”

I grimace, knowing that this is the kind of comment that’ll only make things worse. The shift in Kayla is subtle, but it’s there: the set of her jaw, how her breathing slows, measured and controlled. She’s two seconds away from throwing a tantrum.

Next to me, Angelina seems to be losing patience as she exhales sharply, already over whatever this is.I suddenly share a similar feeling of wanting out of this stuffy classroom.

My clothes feel too tight around me.Nathaniel made a mean comment this morning about the way I wear my skirt, and his words are now a constant lingering reminder of how I look in somebody else’s eyes.

You wear your skirt like a fucking slut.

Pull it down.

I dig my nails into my palm, fighting the urge to scratch myself.

“Can we go now?” My voice comes out flatter than I first intended.

Angelina looks at me, realizing that I’m talking to her now.

“Yeah, sure. I want to grab something to eat.” She slings her bag over her shoulder. “Are you coming with us, Kay?”

Kayla massages her temples, breathing deeply. “No.”

I give her a questioning look.

“Alice and I need to talk about next week’s competition,” she explains.

Angelina and I exchange another look.

This is the worst excuse I’ve ever heard , mine says.

Agreed, is what I can read in hers.

I shrug, “Alright.”

Alice seems to be having none of it.

“I actually have more things to…” Kayla clears her throat, she trails off, rolling her eyes and crossing her right leg over the left one. “I’ll give you five minutes of my precious time. No more.”

“Like I’d ever need any longer than that.” Kayla’s sarcastic tone causes Alice’s nonchalant demeanor to slip, a bit of annoyance finally crossing her face. “Don’t think I like to be around you any more than I need to, Chartrand.”

“Aaaand yet….” Alice speaks using a singsong voice, trying to pretend Kayla’s dismissal doesn’t affect her.

My friend rolls her eyes, offering me a tight smile. “I’ll meet you guys at the cafeteria.”

“Okay.” I tug Angelina’s arm, quickly pulling her towards the exit. We step outside the classroom, and I exhale. “Oh my god! Did you see that? There’s definitely a problem here!”

“Oh, you think?” She scoffs, fixing the glasses sliding down her round nose. “Who the fuck even cares about that ranking? I mean—”

“Kayla does,” I cut in, voice soft. Being the best student is important to her. She takes great pride in it. “She would never miss a chance to be on top, especially not if she’s going against Alice of all people.”

Angelina stops on her tracks, staring at me like I just told her sky is green. “Really? No way. She can’t be that good.”

“But she is,” I state simply, remembering the last time Kayla actually failed at something was when her mother forced her to take a summer class on French baking. Her éclairs never had the right shape. “And the way Alice just looked? What the heck was that?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention.” Angelina sighs. “Alice is going to make her life hell. I don’t get why she’s so obsessed with Kayla like that. It’s weird.”

My phone buzzes. It’s Nathaniel.

Nathaniel: Where did you sleep last night?

I could not answer. Lie. Tell him that he didn’t see me coming home, but I was in my room all night. The thing is, I don’t have any more lies left.

There’s no way he doesn’t know I’ve been hooking up with guys to avoid sleeping at the house. It’s all so obvious, and I’m not trying very hard to hide it. If anything, I’m acting like I’m basically homeless.

Or I could go to Beckett’s.

It’d be a lot easier to slip back into my room in the morning, just like he offered me to. But that will only make me grow more attached to him. I like him too much already. I don’t know. I just don’t trust myself around him.

“Cassie.” Angelina’s airy tone cuts through my thoughts. “You’re skipping class again, aren’t you?”

I sigh. “I don’t know. I might be.”

She clicks her tongue. “At least you’re not lying about it. You can’t lie to save your life.”

“Well, actually,” I start to speak, smiling and feeling smart. “I’m pretty great at it when it’s for a good cause.”

Her eyes soften. “Not to me, no.”

I don’t say anything in response. She watches me for another second, hesitating before booping my nose.

“Stay safe, okay? Call me if you need a place to crash.”

“Don’t worry about me.” I force a tiny smile to come out. “I know how to take care of myself.”

Angelina lets me go, her pink lips pressing into a thin line.

She doesn’t look convinced.

***

A week later, all college applications are being sent.