Page 85 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

TRIGGERS, HEIGHTENED IMPULSIVITY, AND RISKY BEHAVIOR

Beckett

The crowd slowly disperses.

Some kids are taken to the principal’s office. Others escape, but their parents are called. The police drop by shortly after to make sure another fight doesn’t start.

In the middle of all this, Cassandra gets dragged to the nurse’s office while she’s still having a panic attack, and I follow her, unwilling to leave her alone with the staff.

They ask her questions, trying to figure out what happened, and she explains through rushed words that all she wanted to do was leave the bathroom. I deduce Laura must have forced her to stay before cutting her clothes.

Before I know it, I’m being asked to leave the room.

“I won’t,” I answer firmly, watching the nurse with doubtful eyes. The blonde girl grabs my hand tighter, her crying now subdued to soft hiccups. “Where were you? Where were any of you?”

“Beckett, I’m just trying to do my job.”

“I don’t fucking care!” I snap, bringing Cassandra closer. She climbs into my lap, still wearing Antony’s shirt. “How did nobody see her being assaulted? And why is this still allowed? This is a school; she’s supposed to be safe!”

“There are more than three different buildings here. Mr. Fernandez can’t watch everything alone,” Lilian explains. She’s the nurse who’s having a shift this time around. “Besides, we were having end-of-term meetings. These things happen, Beckett.”

“But she’s hurt!” I insist, disbelief flooding my system.

If this happened to the daughter of the principal, what could happen to the rest of us? To Lucia? To Angelina, who just got out of the hospital?

Cassandra makes a soft, wounded sound before clinging to me. She’s holding on for dear life, trying to get me to stay.

“Please, don’t go!” I hear her beg, clutching the fabric of my clothes.

“I won’t,” I say as I press my lips to her forehead. “I won’t leave.”

I turn to Lilian, who is still watching me, annoyed that I won’t do as I’m told. Fuck them. Fuck this school.

“You can tell Principal Rivera and his team to go to hell!”

It takes the young nurse another minute or so to realize that I’m being serious. She leaves the room to inform Principal Rivera as much, I suppose.

The room’s temperature drops as I look for a glass of water. I grab a water bottle and try to give it to Cassandra, hoping to get her to calm down. She rejects it, focused on keeping me tied to her.

“I just need you to hold me.”

“Okay. But I need to clean you up,” I ask, picking up a tissue and applying pressure to the scratches on her arm. I have no idea if she’s done them to herself or if someone got to her while we were being shoved. “You’re staining Antony’s shirt. He’s going to kill you.”

“I don’t care,” she mutters, shaking her head slowly. I’ve never seen her so lost in her own mind, and it feels worse than last time, in my car. “Just stay.”

“I will.” I wince when she flinches, my touch making the fresh wound sting a little. “Hey, Cass. I won’t leave, okay?”

“Okay.” She swallows hard. “Don’t.”

Cassandra allows me to work, her gaze dropping to the floor. By the time I’m done stopping the bleeding, her breath has slowed down considerably. I bring her to my chest, holding her tight, and not letting her go just like I promised.

***

Some time passes.

Cassandra has now settled into some kind of haze, with her head perfectly resting against the curve of my shoulder. She looks so small, so tired. I can’t bring myself to pull away, even though I probably should.

“For you.”

I freeze, brushing her hair back gently to get a better look at her face. “What did you say?”

She shakes her head quickly, meaning to tell me that she hasn’t said anything important.

“For you, there’ll be no more crying.”

I recognize the lyrics almost instantly. She’s talking about Songbird . It’s a beautiful song, soothing like a lullaby. The kind of tune I’d put on if I ever needed to relax my mind and body enough to go to sleep.

I wonder if that’s what she thinks of it, too.

This kind of thought suits her.

“I don’t… I really don’t remember the rest of the lyrics anymore,” Cassandra admits after a while, pulling away to stare at her own hands guiltily.

She probably hates that I’m seeing her like this.

“Why should it matter?” I snort sadly. “I thought this wasn’t your favorite.”

“I think I lied to you about it.” Her gaze shifts back to me, eyes full of tears. “You know, I always wanted to learn how to play the piano, but we had to pay for our house instead.”

“Mn.”

“I would’ve learned this song.”

“It’s a pretty damn good song, baby.” I touch her cheek after I notice some redness lingering there, wanting to check if the skin is too sensitive or painful. “Are you feeling better now?”

“I don’t know. I can’t tell what I’m feeling,” her words come out a little too rushed, still confused. “What are the lyrics again? For you, there’ll be sun?”

A single tear drops from her eye. I catch it with my thumb.

“The sun will be shining,” I correct her, wetting my lips real quick before clearing my throat. “And then, it goes, like—” I clear my throat again, starting to sing softly. “And I feel like when I’m with you, it’s all right.”

“Right.”

She listens, or mostly tries to.Her thoughts seem to be too clouded, keeping her out of focus. I wonder where her mind goes when she’s too sad.

Suddenly, there’s noise outside. It’s Mr. Rivera’s voice, cursing loudly on the phone. It snaps her out of whatever trance she’s in, and her breath hitches, panic rising again.

“Beckett!” Cassandra gasps, tears starting to form at the corner of her eyes. “I don’t want to talk to him!”

“It’s okay.” I lie, my voice low. “Hey, Cassie. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. Don’t lie to me!” She presses her hands to her face, her voice going smaller with each word. “They took pictures of… of me. My father will see them.”

“We’ll get them deleted.” I swear, my hands are trembling.

“By now, the public school kids probably have their hands on them.” She closes her eyes. “Everybody saw me.”

“I didn’t.” I say, shifting her in my arms, tilting her head to meet my gaze. Cassandra combs her hair back with her fingers, sniffling loudly, desperate to hold onto something. “I didn’t see anything.”

“You saw me,” she insists, starting to pull Antony’s shirt over her head. “You can look now; they said it’s not even impressive.”

“Cassandra, I don’t want to look.”

I stop her, pulling the t-shirt back down gently.Our hands struggle together, but I don’t let go.I won’t let her hurt herself even more.Not if I can put a stop to it.

“Listen to me.” I lean closer instead of pulling away, speaking through gritted teeth because it’s getting harder for me to express myself clearly, too. “I don’t see anything you don’t want me to see, okay?”

“You saw it already!” she yells, losing control. Her green eyes shine, teary and red-rimmed. “You—”

“I saw nothing!” I stress the last word, touching the sides of her face to wipe away the tears again. “If you told me your bra was black right now, I’d have to take your word for it.”

“It’s pink.”

She touches her lips with her fingers, trying to bite her nails. I pull her hand away from her mouth, and Cassandra touches my face, then my neck. A second passes, the only sound being the beating of our hearts syncing together.

Finally, she leans in, her forehead pressing against mine.

“I feel hate, Beckett,” she says, eyes flickering back and forth, as if looking for a way out. “I hate everything too much. It’s all I ever feel.”

“What do you hate?” I ask, trying to keep her entertained.

“Me,” she grits out. “I hate myself so much.”

“Why?”

Something in me shatters almost instantly.

I don’t know what it is about us, but I can’t help but absorb her emotions until they become mine.

Until everything is too loud, too strong to bear.

Her thumb brushes against my bottom lip, applying enough pressure to make me flinch.

I feel the moment she starts to break. Cassandra shakes her head from side to side.

“I did everything he asked,” her whisper comes out regretful, haunted. My previous question gets ignored. She leans into my touch instead, eyes so sad. “All I ever did was consider him.”

“Caleb?”

She shakes her head quickly, eyes locking with mine.

No .

If not him, then…

Her hands go from my shoulder to my abs. I circle her wrist with my hand, stopping her from going any lower.

“I want… I need everything to stop,” her voice trails off, unsure and scared. “Will you help me?”

I frown. “How?”

“Make everything stop.” She touches my wrists, bringing my hands to her waist. “I just need you.”

“You have me,” I swallow hard, feeling her desperation as her hands tighten around mine, forcing my grip. “How… How can I help?”

Her gaze lifts, eyes becoming slightly blurry. “Like this.”

She leans closer, not leaving me any time to pull back. I gasp, feeling her lips brushing against mine before her touch becomes more aggressive and impulsive.

Almost everything about this is wrong. Not her, never her, but the timing is. This is wrong. Unsure on how to react, I let her have her way at first. She leans closer, kissing me, and I kiss her back.

Cassandra sighs into the kiss, sounding both intoxicated and vulnerable.

It’s something chaste, soft, and harmless.

No tongues involved. It’s not in any way, shape, or form romantic either.

It’s a kiss given and taken for comfort, in the same way friends hug, and people eat their favorite foods.

But then, her hips are pressing against mine, and I feel my body start to stiffen.

“I’ll be good like… like last time,” she promises after pulling apart, smiling now, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “The nurse won’t hear a thing, I promise.”

I watch her get off me, shock coursing through my veins.

“I’ll keep quiet,” Cassandra says, and it doesn’t even sound like she’s speaking to me anymore. “It won’t hurt.”