Page 86 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

Then, Cassandra starts to lower herself, and realization dawns on me of what she’s about to do, and what I’m about to let her have.

It disgusts me.

I can’t do this to her.

It’s not fair.

It’s selfish thinking, and she doesn’t deserve it.

I can’t be this person.

I won’t do it.

“Stop.”

“It’s okay, Beckett,” she insists, sounding lost. “I’m—I’m not nervous, and that’s all I’m… all I’m good for, anyway. That’s all he ever wanted. I…”

Her words sound more than horrifying to me.Whoever this girl is, she isn’t the one I know.Cassandra is starting to break, and while she does it, she is choosing something convenient to drown herself in, spend all pent-up energy, and forget about the rest.

“No,” I whisper, forcing her to rise to a standing position. I shake my head again, feeling my stomach tighten and my eyes start to sting. “No, okay? Let’s stop and talk about this because I… I don’t want to hurt you.”

I’m not saying no for myself.

I’m saying no for her.

I’m saying no precisely because she can’t .

Because that’s what I need to do right now.

“Please?” she continues, insisting but sounding completely terrified and out of her mind. “I need this.”

“Cassandra, you don’t need this,” I emphasize, but no matter how soft my voice is, she still reacts like I’ve just slapped her. “You’re not okay, but I’m here for you. Just not like this, alright?”

Her world is falling apart, and I think I get it. Sex would be easy. The panic that’s eating her inside is making her take the wrong turn and, choose all the wrong choices.

But she doesn’t need to be touched. What she needs is to leave this place in one piece. She needs to be held, but not like this.

“Talk to me,” I plead. “Tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll help you. I’ll fix it. I promise, okay?”

She shifts, glancing at the closed door.

“I just… I just need quiet.”

“And you think this will work?” I frown, feeling confused. Has she done this before? Is this a recurrent thing? Who taught her that? “Cass, you’re not going to feel better by doing this.”

“I need it to stop!” she snaps. “Please, Beckett. If you’re not going to fuck me, then at least kiss me, or something, because I can’t be in my head right now.”

“Kiss?” I echo, sounding more confused than ever. “Cassandra, that’s not what I was—”

Her green eyes shine with a glint of defiance, and her fingers grip my shirt, pulling my head down and pressing her lips to mine again.

Deep.

Hard.

Wrong.

Cassandra brings her arms around my shoulders, circling my neck and pulling me closer. And then, I understand. This is safe for her, even if it only breaks my heart. It’s safe for her because it’s me . Because I won’t…

I won’t hurt her.

She gets to destroy herself, but I won’t hurt her.

Not like this, not like Caleb did.

Whatever she’s looking for, she thinks she can find it in me. She’s wrong.I don’t want that.I never wanted it.

“More.” She pleads. “Please.”

I should pull back, but I don’t do it immediately. I keep pulling her up a little, bringing her closer, molding her body to mine.

Cassandra sighs as I start nibbling at her lower lip with my teeth. She actually goes as far as curving against me, trying to make herself smaller. If she could disappear in my arms, into my body, I bet she would.

Indulging her feels like the wrong thing to do, and guilt pools down my stomach over allowing her this much.

The longer we kiss, the more her body becomes pliant, soft, and calm.

It’s not about pleasure; it’s about distraction.

I could do anything to her right now, and she wouldn’t give a single damn about it.

It wouldn’t matter to her, because she’s desensitized to what’s happening as soon as things get even remotely physical.

This isn’t normal.

I realize it as soon as I break our kiss, disgusted with myself. Feeling confused and tired, I lean back against the wall, watching her pant. Then, I take a step forward, burying my face against Cassandra’s neck, pressing my lips to her pulse.

“Stop.” I am the one who starts pleading this time. “Please, baby. Let’s just stop. I don’t want to do this to you.”

But I don’t want to ever let her go either. Not after seeing what I just saw, witnessing how far she will go just to feel a little better.

It’s too impulsive, and I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m suddenly so scared that she’ll get hurt again, somehow.

“Did I just force you to…” The corners of her lips stretch, forming a sickly smile. Her body is trembling. “I don’t know… I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. I’m sorry.”

“Let’s just stop.”

“I’m so sorry, Beckett.”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind…” My voice comes out hoarse, so broken, but before I can finish my sentence or process what’s happening, the door flies open.

“Cassandra, sweetie. I know you’re, like, not feeling the best right now, but—”

Angelina’s carefully crafted mask falls, leaving her standing there, wide-eyed and shocked. She takes one long look at Cassandra’s disheveled hair, another at the redness around my lips, and makes an exasperated sound.

“Angie,” I start to say, pulling away from the blonde girl. “We weren’t doing anything.”

“Not now.” Angelina raises a hand up, urging me to shut up. She rolls her eyes at us but still asks. “The police want to talk to you, Cassandra. Should I tell them to wait until you fix yourself up, or are you coming with me right now?”

Cassandra shakes her head, taking a step towards the door. Our friend’s uniform is all creased where I held her.

“It’s fine.” She shrugs. “I’ll go talk to them now.”

The door closes behind her.

When I look back at Angelina, her eyes are locked on me. She crosses her arms over her chest, a small frown slowly forming.

“What was this?”

I start pulling myself together, adjusting my clothes, locking every thought about what just happened somewhere deep in my head and in my heart. No one needs to know.

“Please, don’t say anything,” I beg, not wanting to expose Cassandra. “It was nothing.”

“Don’t do anything stupid, and I won’t have to,” she warns me, raising one hand at me like a mother scolding her child. “You know something’s up with her, and yet you keep pushing it. Pushing her.”

“I’m not…” I grimace, regretting burning through me. “I’m not pushing her!”

“Wake the fuck up, Beckett!” Angelina shakes her head with disapproval. “It’s really cruel, what you’re doing. Now is not the time to be thinking about getting your dick wet! Her father is literally outside yelling at all of us for something we didn’t do!”

I frown, feeling deeply offended. “I was not going to fuck her in the nurse’s office, Angelina. What the fuck?”

“You’re such a boy!” She picks up a pillow from the second bed and throws it at me, walking out while mumbling curses all along. “Que porra é essa?”

I take a deep breath, wondering what it all means.

What else is there to do that won’t make this worse?

Nothing.

After Cassandra is done talking to the police, her father immediately forces her to get into his car without sparing the rest of us a single glance. She doesn’t fight him, doesn’t argue, and doesn’t even look back, but with the way she keeps rubbing her elbow I can tell she feels…

Embarrassed .

When I text her that same night, asking her if she needs me, no one answers. I try to knock on her door later that night, but no one comes out to greet me.

And just like that, we’re right back to square one again.