Page 137 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

WHEN I STOP brEATHING

Cassandra

The trash bag lands with a dull thud at the bottom of the dumpster. I stare at it for a little too long, feeling a weight pressing down on my chest. My body hasn’t been the same since Nathaniel tried to pick me up at school. I am a long piece of thread starting to snap.

Stop thinking about it.

Just one night.

You deserve just one night.

Try to have some fun.

I dust my hands off on the sides of my dress, breathing in the soft chill of the night air. My mind still races, despite how hard I’m trying to calm down.

Feeling guilty about not being present at this moment, the only thought that keeps me sane is how I can still taste Beckett, more specifically, the sweet taste of his mint gum.

He keeps a pack of it in his truck, pops a few into his mouth throughout the day, and I write down such little details just in case I start to forget about them, too.

It makes me feel comforted.

Safe.

That deep sense of knowing we talked about keeps taking roots. I don’t think I want to pull them out anymore. I think I want them to stay.

Some days, when I’m happy enough about the world, I get too stupidly hopeful. That stormy day back in October feels so mundane, so far in my scattered brain, but some pieces of that girl are still present inside of me. She shows up whenever I’m thinking about Beckett, at least.

“ Happy birthday to Mateo! Happy birthday to Mateo! ”

They’re singing again?

“My god!” I chuckle. “Someone needs to stop them!”

The hum of Mateo’s apartment still echoes faintly behind me, Antony’s laugh louder than anything else. I don’t know if these people are my friends, but it feels good to be surrounded. A room full of noise is better than the quiet of my bedroom. I don’t want to ever go back.

Determined to make the most out of the night, I take a step, then another, ready to reach for the door and join the rest of my friends.

And then I hear it.

It’s faint, unassuming.

Almost too delicate and fragile.

It’s the sound of a cat meowing.

It makes me pause and spin around, searching for it by letting my gaze drop to the ground. My vision adjusts to the darkness around me only to find the smallest kitten in the entire world seated beside the dumpster.

“Are you a girl?” I crouch near her, reaching out to pet her soft fur. The little thing hisses, as if in warning. “I think you are.”

A strange thought crosses my mind then.

Run.

But I smile instead, the corner of my eyes creasing. There’s nothing to fear tonight, not as long as Beckett is around.

I need to stop being so paranoid.

“Where’s your mom, little one?” The kitten leans against my touch, recognizing that I’m not here to hurt her. “Did she leave you all alone? That can’t be right.”

I’m about to look for the mother, knowing she can’t be that far away, when the streetlight glitches and every muscle in my body starts to pull tight.

Something is lying on the ground a few steps ahead of me.

For a second, I assume it’s just a fluke and I’m seeing things that aren’t there, but then I see the larger corpse. She’s spread out in the middle of the street, paws bloodied and twisted in an unnatural way.

“Oh!” My eyes begin to water. “Oh, no!”

I approach it, trying to see if the cat is still breathing.

The neck is clearly broken, posing towards the opposite direction than it should be. The sight feels oddly familiar to me, and a flash comes to mind.

I’m bored, Mom.

I don’t want the puppies; I want her.

Trying to understand where the memory is coming from paralyzes me entirely. It feels like opening a door leading to a room I haven’t ventured in not in a long time.

Quickly, I block it all out. I urge it to go away, just like I did with André, because thinking about it gives me a sense of apprehension that I don’t know how to tame.

But if I’d been less distracted, maybe I wouldn’t have missed the boots on the gravel. The beat of his steady step, a particular sound that always warned me about his presence before he’d even walk into a room.

The sound gets louder and closer, and I na?vely picture it as the sound coming from a neighbor heading home.

My lips part, ready to call out for help.

“Hello?”

A voice slices through the darkness.

“You really thought you could avoid me forever,” Nathaniel chuckles, his voice low and dark.

No , I think.

It’d be stupid to assume Nathaniel would simply let me go. This is how things always go down with someone like my brother: no matter how far I go, how fast I run, he’ll play catch-up.

I turn around slowly.

Nathaniel stands just a few feet away from me, back turned to Mateo’s apartment building, face half-shadowed by the still flickering streetlight. His hands are in his jacket pocket, the one that smells a little like smoke and a little like something else.

Something sharp and metallic.

He stinks of dried blood.

I can almost taste it on my tongue.

“What are you doing here?” my voice is too steady, defeated. “I already told you to leave me alone.”

Through texts, mostly.

Nathaniel has been threatening me for days, using every single excuse he can to try to see me. Except this time, I’m way too over it to care. There’s only so much humiliation someone can take until their mind starts to shut down. Mine is almost there, as far as I can tell.

“I guess I had to see it.” He shrugs, acting nonchalantly. “The little setup. The boyfriend.”

“What do you think of it?” I dare to ask.

“Impressive,” Nathaniel admits with a nod, and waves a finger towards the balcony. “I have to say, that was a hell of a kiss.”

Beckett.

Lucia.

My friends.

I can’t let him get to them ever again.

“You have to go.” I step back, keeping my tone firm. “I’m not going home for the time being. What I’m doing with my life is none of your business anymore, Nathaniel.”

Nathaniel steps closer. “You’re my family, Cassandra. Everything you do will always be my business.”

“Stop!”

His eyes shine dangerously, and I take another step back instinctively.

“Go away!”

“No, you’re the one that needs to stop,” his voice drops, coaxing me to stop moving. “Don’t do that. Don’t act like I’m the bad guy here.”

“I used to be scared of you.” I shake my head, refusing to oblige. If I have to lie my way out of this situation, I will. “But I’m not going to let you hurt me anymore.”

His mouth twitches, like he’s amused. “I’m a bad person? Is that so?”

“You…” I hesitate. “You know what you did!”

“I hurt you? Is this really what happened?”

“Yes!” I snap.

“Well, I remember a very different story, Cassandra.” Nathaniel’s green eyes shine so brightly as he shrugs. “But I get it. It’s just easier to keep playing the victim, huh?”

The words feel like a punch in the guts.

Something about him contradicting me every single time makes me feel nervous. Nathaniel sounds too confident, and I’m not entirely sure that my thoughts aren’t tricking me.

“Still convincing everyone that poor little Cassandra is so broken and innocent, acting like you didn’t want this.” Nathaniel brushes his hair back nervously. “You want to know what I remember? How proud you felt about making me feel good.”

A flash of pain blinds my vision.

My head is throbbing .

I clench my fists at my sides, ready to call for Beckett.

“Stop it! I don’t need to convince anyone of anything!” I inhale deeply, refusing to let him get to me. “They just need to see you for who you are!!”

“Oh, really?” he laughs sharply. “What about you ? You think Beckett knows the real you?”

He does.

I never lied to him about who I was or about what I felt.

Beckett knows me; he just doesn’t know the entire story.

I’ll tell him tonight, after this is done.

I’ll tell him everything .

But when I try to tell Nathaniel all this, the words get stuck in my throat. I can’t get them out. I’m too scared to do it.

“You think if he did, he’d still want to hold your hand?”

He would.

He would, wouldn’t he?

Beckett is my friend.

He loves…

“You think he’ll still kiss you like that?” Nathaniel adds, his voice softer now. “Cassandra, you might not want to hear it, but he won’t understand what you’ve been through. I’m the only person who does.”

“You’re just saying this because you want to hurt me,” I counter, still seeing things clearly. “Can’t you see how manipulative this is? You want me to go against everyone I love!”

“Love?”

He stops himself, but it’s too late.

I see the amusement in his eyes.

“Tell me!” I snap, wanting to hear whatever ugly thing he’s been holding against me all along, so we can be done once and for all. “Say what you want to say!”

“Say what? How I raised you ? Because I did raise you, and now you’re twisting things!” Nathaniel spits through clenched teeth. “When our parents were too busy with themselves, it was me taking care of you! And this is what you do? Turn me into the villain?”

“You hurt me!” I cry.

“I never hurt you!” my brother yells back. “You said yes every single time!”

I hear the noise of the door unlocking.

“Cassandra.”

I blink, staring at the ceiling. “Nathie!”

The bed dips next to me.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, feeling scared.

“Can’t sleep,” he tells me, slipping under the covers.

His hair is freshly washed, and a scent of soap and warm water lingers on his skin. I smell it when he pulls me into a hug and buries his nose against my neck.

“Mom won’t like this,” I cry and try to shoo him away, but Nathaniel is having none of it. “She probably heard you coming in.”

“I locked the door.”

“Okay, but I don’t want to play anymore,” I whisper, my voice so quiet. I sound too young. Too scared. “I don’t like it.”

“Why not?”

“It feels weird.” I shrug, not knowing how else to explain it. I can’t voice my thoughts, not to him. It’ll only make him feel upset. “You’re my brother. It’s wrong.”

I never feel good after, not anymore.

I feel dirty. I feel dirty and ugly.

He’s supposed to know this.

I blink again.

Didn’t it just happen…

I thought…

This doesn’t make any sense.

This can’t be real.

I’m too young.