Page 81 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

HOW IT ALL FALLS DOWN

Cassandra

A week later, my reputation is not just a reputation. It’s facts, all probably thanks to Zach and his big mouth.

School’s back in session, but I’m skipping class.

Texting boys, just to see how many of them will respond and what they’re thinking about me.

Spending nights staring at the ceiling, trying not to hurt the parts of me I hate the most. Crashing at people’s houses whenever I can, always paying the same price.

I’m ignoring everything and everyone, really.

Caleb and Nathaniel are so far down my list of unresolved issues that what happened doesn’t even matter anymore.

Everything is just another bad experience I carry in my pocket. Another bad night I don’t want to think about. I am fading, and everybody can see it. They’re all watching it happen. I’m letting them do it.

I blink, and the days pass me by without me noticing, hours dragging. I don’t have a fucking clue what’s happening in my brain anymore. A quick search tells me that it’s a depressive episode, mania, and three different diagnoses that I don’t understand enough about.

The first day goes as quickly as it comes.

The second one starts with my phone blowing up with random texts, each one more malicious than the last. People have it out for me, apparently. I’m not a good person at all. I keep saying things and doing things that make my classmates feel really mad.

I try to understand what’s happening, but I’m not even able to click on my profile before my phone starts to shut down. If I walk into a room, people stare, whispering to each other. If I raise my hand to ask a question, I hear the snickering behind me.

Kayla is hours away now, traveling overseas to compete, and though we text back and forth for support, it doesn’t feel quite the same.

I need my best friend here, by my side, standing with me.

I’m paranoid, thinking she hates me and our friendship is falling apart.

Everything I know and hold dear is slipping from my grasp.

Me: do you ever feel tired?

Beckett: Sometimes

Are you okay?

Me: i don’t know

can I call you after school?

Beckett: Of course

Don’t go out tonight

Come see me instead

I think about saying yes because I remember just how safe I felt in his arms. When Beckett hugged me, none of the bad feelings even mattered. He pushed them all away, turned them insignificant. I even felt good about myself for a second.

His sweetness makes me want to reach out to him, tell him the truth, but I don’t. I can’t. It’d be selfish, incredibly self-serving, to use him now that people are against me.

I did this to myself, and that kiss…

That kiss meant nothing .

I set the phone aside and try to force myself to eat.

The lettuce going down feels like swallowing a spoonful of sand down my throat. I hate how bland food tastes to me now. I don’t have a single bit of appetite, not anymore, and my body hurts.

To make things worse, I’m on my period because somehow the morning-after pill triggered my hormones enough to make me bleed for days, and I’m emotionally unstable.

Everything hurts inside of me.

It all just hurts.

“Are you eating this or not?” Mateo drops his plate on my table nonchalantly, pulling out the chair from underneath the table and sitting down like he has nowhere else to be. “You’ve been staring at the salad like it offended your grandma for, like, half an hour.”

“My grandmother is dying,” I snap, moving the tomatoes around the plate with my fork. “And thanks for asking before invading my personal space.”

He raises an eyebrow, smart eyes studying me.

“I didn’t know that.”

I know it sounds stupid, maybe even particularly cruel, but I still drop the next piece of information, wanting him to feel especially bad about it.

“She has cancer. Leukemia. It’s terminal.”

Mateo’s hand drops to the table, making a loud noise.

“Well, I guess that does it!” He jabs at his apple juice box with the straw. “You’ve had a worse start to the year than I have!”

I glare at him, angrily poking the tomato now. “You don’t say.”

Mateo slurps his juice like a toddler, brown curls softly over his eyes. “What’s up with you, Rivera?”

“Nothing,” I mutter, annoyed that he won’t take a hint. I’d like to be left alone. “Go sit with your friends.”

“But you’re the only one left out of the bunch,” he admits, with a half-shrug, like it makes perfect sense. “Antony’s got the flu, and Angelina’s in the nurse’s office again.”

“What about Caleb?” I pause dramatically. “Oh, wait. Right. I’m sorry I forgot! You two are only best friends forever when the cameras are rolling!”

He glances around, as if looking for the cameras.

I facepalm. “There are no cameras, Mateo. It’s a figure of speech.”

“Is it?” he asks, stealing my fork and chomping down on my tomato.

I blink, unsure now. “I think it is?”

“Hm.” Mateo winces, shrugging his shoulders again. “Caleb and I used to be friends. We are no longer on speaking terms until he apologizes to Angelina.”

“You know about Angelina and Caleb?” I hear myself ask, feeling a little surprised.

He gives me back my fork, eyes widening. “You know about it too?”

I nod quickly.

“Damn, news does travel fast around here.” Mateo shakes his head. “I guess I was falsely under the impression the infamous Angelina Cardoso was much more mysterious than that.”

I wipe my fork clean with the napkin, unwilling to catch any of his germs. “Okay, whatever. I’m going to the library now.”

“What are you, in second grade? The nerd hiding in the bathroom?” He grins, and a goofy smile stretches across his face. “God, you’re such a little child. Sit your ass back down, Cassandra.”

Reluctantly, I do as I’m told.

“So, I hear things between Caleb and you are really over.” He takes another long sip.

I shove lettuce into my mouth, refusing to speak to Mateo Pereira. “Mn.”

“Bad move to pick him over the gang, by the way, but what’s your final review?”

I frown. “Review on Caleb?”

“On me, Cassandra.” He points at himself. “As your next potential best friend. I mean, besides Kayla, of course.”

Mateo is a weird guy. But what the hell, I might as well play along.

“To be honest, I’m very confused,” I admit, shaking my head. “I don’t get why you’d act like his friend and then admit you aren’t to me. He still believes you’re cool with him, by the way.”

“I know.” Mateo pauses, staring at me for a beat before adding. “I want him to think so.”

I wave my fork around his face. “Any explanation as to why?”

He sighs, “Look, I could try to explain to you why I said what I said, but you wouldn’t get it.”

“Try me.”

Mateo wets his lips, hesitating. I’m almost offended that he’s taking that long to do it. I’m not stupid. Besides, if he wants so badly to be my friend, he needs to give me more than just half-truths.

“It makes everyone’s life easier,” he admits, eyes drifting down towards his plate. “Caleb was the first friend I made when I got here, so I didn’t know any better. But then, Angelina and I got to talking again, and I realized who Caleb really was.”

I freeze.

Again?

Mateo continues, unaware of what I’ve just picked up. “I just couldn’t stand him anymore, you know? But if I cut him off, I’d be selling Angelina out, and she doesn’t want any drama this year.”

I nod at first, knowing he means well.

Mateo is a good guy. But I mean, still , something about the way he handled this situation doesn’t feel right.

My words come out more defeated than I was aiming for. “Couldn’t you just have told me about this weeks ago?”

“I tried to. Cassandra, I even texted you about it on Instagram. I did warn you about it several times, don’t you remember?” Mateo leans closer, whispering like an old lady. “Was I supposed to force you to dump him, too? Where’s the free will in that?”

“I…” I trail off, not remembering a single thing.

“I’m a good friend, or at least I try to be.” Mateo smiles awkwardly. “But I don’t push people around, Cassie. That’d be Antony, and he’s not talking to you now, is he?”

But I do realize that no matter what he said to me, I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. Angelina was way more upfront about Caleb, and I didn’t care. I honestly didn’t give a fuck about what he’d do to me.

The bell rings.

Everybody around us starts to move, rushing to get to class.

“What do you want from me, Mateo?” I bite out, feeling suddenly very exhausted. “I really have to go to class, and I’m tired of talking about Caleb.”

And then, just then, Mateo drops the final bomb.

The thing that definitely ends up ruining my day.

“I don’t think you’ve been paying attention, but everybody’s talking about you going to his cousin’s Christmas party,” his voice is softer, almost apologetic.

“Right.” I swallow hard. “What are they saying again?”

“They’re talking about…” He rolls his eyes. “How you two slept together, behind Maria’s back, and all these boys you’ve been texting are sort of reporting back, blowing it way out of proportion…”

I shrink, and my mind reels.

Slowly, I start to look around me.

Zacharias is two tables away from mine, sitting with some of Maria’s friends. She’s nowhere to be seen, and neither is Caleb, for that matter. And yet, they’re watching me with a certain kind of loathing, whispering to each other, pointing at me as I try to gather my fingers.

“They are?” I echo as the noises grow louder, more aggressive.

Clarity hits me then. I’m hit with a feeling of finality, like this is it , and the words seem more obvious to my own ears than before.

“They are . “ I mumble with quiet certainty, mostly to myself.

My stomach starts to really hurt.

Not a single familiar face seems willing to offer me a bit of kindness now.

Still, I swallow hard, trying to pull myself back together.

“I guess I just wanted to, you know, check in on you. Ask what’s going on,” Mateo reveals quietly, looking guilty. His gaze lights up. “We could skip class for the rest of the day?”

But I don’t want to do that.

I don’t want to run and hide from this.

“Who told them?” I ask, grabbing his arm. “Was it Caleb? Zacharias?”

“I…” Mateo stammers, suddenly unsure. “I think so? I… It wasn’t me, Cassie. I swear, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Of course, he wouldn’t. And does it really matter who did? Caleb hasn’t texted me since that night, and we haven’t spoken face-to-face since our fight either.

He isn’t like Beckett; he won’t apologize first.

And neither will he delete the—

“The pictures,” I breathe out, panic rising.

Mateo frowns at my words, and I pull back automatically, feeling a shock running through me.

Every day, I’ve been acting like a complete lunatic, ignoring the most obvious issue that I should have been dealing with since Caleb and I broke up.

“I forgot,” my voice stalls. “I forgot about the pictures.”

“What pictures? Cassandra, wait!” His face crumbles, watching me shake my head. “Don’t go!”

But I step back, bile rising to my mouth.

“I sent him…” I try to explain, but the words get stuck.

Shame.

He is going to leak everything.

It’s what I get for breaking up.

He liked having sex with me, and I took that away from him. This is my reward.I said no. I shouldn’t have said no.

You can’t say no to me, Cassandra.

Be a good girl.

Stay quiet.

You like this, don’t you?

It’s why you keep clenching around my—

“Cassandra.” I feel Mateo’s eyes on me, his hands trying to reach for my arm. “Let me take you to your father’s office, okay? We’ll… We’ll figure this one out!”

My father?

“No. No, no!” I choke, the sobs coming out. “He can’t do this to me now, he can’t… No! No! Leave me alone!”

Mateo calls out my name, telling me to stop, but I rush out of the cafeteria without turning back around.