Page 125 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

THE THEORY OF ETERNAL RETURN

Cassandra

It’s afternoon.

I blink awake, coming back to real life after taking a nap on Beckett’s couch. My heart is beating so loudly in my chest with palpitations. I get them so often now, but I’m still not used to any of it. Tired still, I yawn, pressing a hand over my chest, urging the muscle to calm down.

The television sounds a little too loud in my eardrums, and it’s making me nervous, adding to the pressure I feel underneath my bones.

“No, Tony. You need to press the…” Beckett scoffs, shaking his head side to side.

His damp hair flies each way as he moves, and I rise to a seated position to flip the strands back as I yawn again.

“You can choose whatever hairstyle you want for your character, Antony. What’s important is the—”

Beckett shifts before pulling me into his lap. My arms circle his neck, pulling him into a hug. He makes a quiet sound in response, which is not a hum of pleasure but comes quite close to it, and presses a kiss to my temple.

Mateo’s voice echoes loudly through his headphones, and I understand two words out of three being spoken.

“ Se tu escolher o terceiro cl?, dá pra maximizar a forca da equipe .” He coughs, seemingly fighting a dry throat. “ A gente n?o tem alguém que é especializado em cura ainda .”

Antony groans, “ Rapaz, vocês precisam me ensinar essa parada direito .”

“ Relaxa, só escolhe o teu personagem que a gente te mostra o resto. ”

Beckett pulls the headphone down, letting it rest around his neck. I stare at him, fighting back a smile.

His hands find the messy strands of my hair, undoing the already loose ponytail to set them free. “Welcome back to the world of the living.”

“Hi.”

I sigh deeply, closing my eyes shut as his digits find a sore spot on my scalp and press against it gently.

The buzzing in my ears stops. That anxious feeling of dread and wrongness that I’ve been running from since eighth grade, when life became too hard, fades.

The palpitation in my chest that never truly leaves, never really leaves me alone these days, finally slows down.

It all goes away.

Everything becomes quiet inside of me, like when it’s too early in the morning, and I need to open the windows of my bedroom to feel the cold breeze.

“Did you sleep okay?” he asks carefully, his voice raw from overuse.

“It was a good nap.” I bury my nose in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent for a quick second before pulling away. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

“Baby.” Beckett hugs me back, pressing eager kisses to my forehead and cheeks while the other two idiots argue back and forth. “You know you can.”

Clans of Fire: The Reckoning came out only a few days ago, but both Beckett and Mateo are already obsessed with it. My understanding of the game is a bit laughable; I can’t seem to grasp the greatness of it at all. Whatever works for them, I guess.

Beckett puts the headphones back on and grabs the controller. I stretch my legs over his as I turn around, settling between his thighs to watch him play. This is something we’ve been doing quite often, just spending time in each other’s presence.

His laughter echoes every so often, making my back vibrate.

“Okay, you can’t do that.” Beckett snorts, watching Antony’s character spinning around, shooting healing potions at the wall. “Stop wasting your powers!”

“But I like it when my character sparkles!”

After half an hour of explanations, Tony seems to start getting the hang of it, though. Their team is now looking for the first clues to complete… whatever task they need to complete. Beckett’s character keeps getting hit with curses, which is starting to piss him off.

I yawn, feeling only a little bored. “Are you guys going to play this game all day? I’d like to go to the beach instead.”

Beckett groans, ignoring me completely, “Antony, for fuck’s sake! Watch where you’re going!”

“Hey!” I pout pathetically, feeling a little embarrassed at being so damn clingy when it comes to him. “Becky!”

“Sorry.” His arms tighten around my waist before he presses a quick kiss to my mouth. “Do you want to play with us?”

I think about it for a second, considering that it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea. At least then, I’d be included. “But I’ll just mess with your game. I really don’t know how to play.”

“I can teach you. Hold it.” He hands me the controller, grabs my hand, and starts placing my fingers over the right buttons. “Press here if you want to move forward, here if you want to jump.”

“Throwing curses is here, right?” I ask, attempting to throw one at the wall by pressing my thumb over the A bumper. It hits Mateo’s character instead, the ugliest elf I have ever seen, and I flinch. “Sorry.”

“Evans!”

“Relax, Pereira. I’m teaching Cass how to play.” Beckett presses the mic closer to his mouth, leading my character away from the team. “Don’t hit the team, baby.”

I snap, getting a bit worked up about it. “I didn’t do it on purpose!”

“I know.” He says quickly. “Don’t worry about what Mateo’s saying; just keep moving until you get to the next location… Okay. Good. Keep going.”

Beckett shows me the other options, taking the time to lead me through the mission. I listen, mostly because I have no idea of what’s actually going on, and by the end of the hour our team has found the first clue.

I smile, feeling too proud as Antony starts to sing an off-key rendition of We Are The Champions on the line.

“Well, that wasn’t all that bad, was it?” Beckett asks, eyeing me with suspicion. I can tell he thinks I’m enjoying this.

My smile drops, and I shrug, pouting a little still and feigning indifference.

“It was okay.”

He scoffs, unbelieving, before throwing me off his lap.

“Okay, my ass! Baby, you loved the game!”

***

Two hours and one mission led by me later, our call with Mateo and Antony has ended, but the television is still on.

The controller is left forgotten at a corner above my head, while I press Beckett against the couch.I blink hard, trying to see something through the darkness of the room now that the sun is gone. It wouldn’t kill me to find a way to press mute.

The soundtrack switches to another, and I start to frown. Beckett’s hand moves up, tapping against the surface of the couch to search for the remote. He finally lowers the volume, his gaze still not leaving mine.

“It’s my time to ask the questions.”

Right.

We’re playing twenty-one questions.

I don’t know where we’re going with this, he and I, but I still press a kiss against his jaw, watching him shudder under me. It’s easy to do it like this, in the dark, when no one’s watching.

“Shoot.”

“Favorite color.”

“Pink.”

His is blue.

“Weirdest superstition.”

“I’m not a superstitious person, but,” I smile a little at that, finding my next words hilarious somehow. “I like to believe there’s a higher power above us.”

“Like, a god?”

I shake my head. “More like a force.”

“Mn. I get that.”

“Kayla believes in energy.”

She also believes in reincarnation, karma, tarot, lucky charms, numerology, and whatever mystical thing is left out there. It’s all so true to her. She’s a very spiritual girl.

“Baby.” He pulls me towards him, keeping my body on top of his. “Can I kiss you?”

“Beckett.” I nod slowly, lowering my face closer to his. “Yes, please.”

And he does. The world around me becomes slow, soft, and warm as it should be as his lips meet mine. Or at least, that’s how it feels to me.

My toes curl inwards when he starts to rise, taking me with him, my legs around his torso, before laying me down on the couch again.

With our positions now switched, Beckett takes his time to get me exactly how he wants me to be underneath him.

I don’t overthink it too much and let my body go limp, allowing myself to see what happens next for the very first time rather than immediately freaking out.

I’m really enjoying sharing this moment with him.

“Is this okay?” he asks.

“Yeah.” I nod shyly. “I’m comfortable.”

Beckett exhales, a little nervous.

“Good.”

The shirt I’m wearing starts sliding up to where my breasts begin, and his thumb brushes against every bit of skin that gets revealed in the process. I hold my waist up and press my body against his instinctively, palming his abs underneath his shirt.

“Shit,” he curses, turning crimson red.

“Do you like this?” I wonder, scared to hurt him. “I can stop.”

“Your touch gives me goosebumps.” He holds my wrists, keeping my hands where they are. I shift to trace the line of his arm and the curves of the muscles. “But keep going.”

“Alright.”

Beckett is so bulky, and I really like that about him.

I like his body and how he feels underneath my fingers. Mostly, I like how he tenses on top of me. His reactions are priceless, and I want to memorize each one in a folder no one else gets to see.

“You’re getting hard,” I point out, hiding a giggle as he pulls my arms to the top of my head, leaving a trail of warm kisses from my neck to my collarbone. “I can feel it.”

“No need to brag.” Beckett rolls his eyes, holding me just enough to make me feel the pressure without hurting me. “You smell really good.”

I blush.

“Do I?”

“Yeah.”

His touch feels good, too good even. So good that it makes me suddenly very angry.

It’s not a reaction I want, but it’s the one I get.

The emotion starts to rise and get to me as he distributes kiss after kiss against my skin, making me let out a pained noise, and Beckett freezes, lips resting against the sides of my face.

“You’re okay?”

I hesitate, “I…”

It’s a selfish thought, but I don’t want him to fuck me. I don’t want to feel the pain of penetration, which I probably will if we have sex. I want this moment to be mine. It should be. I want to see it through, whatever this is.

I suddenly want to know what it feels like to be tired under him, and only him. I want Beckett to anchor me so deeply in this moment that I forget about the rest.

“I don’t want to stop,” I say. “But I don’t know if I want to have sex.”