Page 112 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

I breathe deeply, knowing he is right to put a stop to this, and I am wrong for trying to force his hand.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I start to panic, pulling away from him. “I just… God, did I just force myself on you?”

“Hey, no.” He shakes his head, speaking more softly now. “Baby, no.”

“You told me to stop, and I didn’t.” I blink harshly, reality sinking in. “I didn’t stop.”

“Cassandra, no.” His face falls, but he still keeps me close, urging me to calm down. “You’re just confused, okay?”

“I’m not. Baby, I… I’m so sorry.”

He sighs. “Listen to me, it’s okay.”

But it’s not.

It’s really not okay.

I can’t keep doing this.

“Cass, do you remember that night you showed up at my door? You were clearly going through something, and I don’t want you to pretend it never happened because I can’t.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose, Beckett,” I whine, my chest aching. “I don’t want to hurt you. You’re the last person I want to hurt.”

Everything in me just feels so ashamed, especially because I’ve been there too. I asked Nathaniel to stop so many times, and now I’m behaving just like him. I’m turning into him. I’m doing everything wrong.

“I know that,” he promises. “Let’s talk about it.”

“Let’s not. I don’t want to.” I shake my head frantically.

He winces, obviously feeling conflicted about just pushing this under the rug.

Wrong .

I’m saying the wrong things again.

“Is it so bad that I don’t want to talk about it?” I ask, scared that he’ll pull away from me now. “We’re having a good time. Can’t it be just that?”

Can I be kept in my happy bubble forever?

Where everything tastes like the pretty boy I like, sunshine, and the ocean?

“But you’re more than just a good time to me, Cassandra,” his voice is gentle, like he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. “I want to make you a priority. You feeling good about things and not getting lost in all this matters to me.”

“Did I force myself on you?” I ask again, my mind still blocked around the question.

“No, Cassandra. You didn’t,” he swears solemnly, bringing my knuckles to his lips and kissing each one of my hands. “You’re just a little nervous and a little confused. But that’s okay, because you can be both of those things when you’re with me.”

I swallow hard, trying to accept his version of it.

“I really didn’t do it?”

“Well, I don’t like to see you upset, but listen.” He laughs a little then, grips my wrists, and adds some pressure, showing me just how much stronger he is.

“Oh.” I blink, suddenly feeling a little stupid.

“It’s not just about strength, though,” he explains, leaning a little closer. “I want to kiss you, and I want you to kiss me, too. I don’t think I’ve ever liked anything that much before.”

My jaw drops in surprise. “Really?”

Beckett nods.

“And I trust you enough to learn to stop if either of us wants to, too.” He tucks my hair behind my ear. “It’s okay to not know what to do when you’re with me. I just think we should slow down a little. It doesn’t mean we have to stop altogether.”

“Oh.” I gasp. “I… I thought you wanted me to stop entirely.”

“No, I didn’t. But there’s ways to go about it. It doesn’t have to be all at once. It can be slow, too.”

Clearly, we’re having different takes on all of this.

Maybe it is a problem, me going at it recklessly.

Wasn’t I so eager for Caleb to slow down?

I’ve been ignoring what happened like the plague, but the memories are still fresh. If I stop distracting myself, the itchiness consumes me. The bad thoughts are my poison, but Beckett’s presence works like an antidote.

He keeps my demons at bay, and I feel addicted to the calm pulsing in my veins whenever he is around. When I’m with him, I feel a little invincible, like I can do anything and be anyone.

It’s total madness.

I’m high on sugar.

“You’re right.” I blink slowly. “I’m rushing it.”

His face is serious, like he’s absorbing every detail that I’m giving him and taking mental notes for later. Beckett is such a planner; he’s so deliberate in how he loves me.

“When I’m with you it feels—”

It feels like rediscovering a song I always skipped, only to listen to it once and immediately get hooked.

He feels like the only logical answer that I’d forgotten to consider.

Most importantly, Beckett surprises me in moments like this, when he’s so careful and tender.

I haven’t been positively surprised in a long, long time.

“Right.” He completes my sentence, touching his chest. I press my hand over his. “You feel me right here, but I feel you too, you know?”

“All the time, Beckett Evans?” I ask, a little breathless.

“All the damn time, Cassandra Rivera.”

Time pauses. I close my eyes shut. Beckett touches the sides of my face, tracing my features with his thumb.

“What if I… What if I’m never fixed? I’m so sorry!”

Normal about this.

Normal about sex.

Normal about wanting him, in spite of what was done to my body.

There’s something wrong about the way I perceive it. I don’t even understand what sex should be about. It’s possessive and violent in my head, so unlike what I feel towards him. I can’t find a way that’s not impulsive, edgier, or won’t make me feel like I’m putting on an act.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, you don’t need to be fixed.” He gives me a quick peck, and I know it’s his way of softening the blow. “Let’s make it simple. Just tell me where your head is at. Do you want to do this? How far do you want to go when you’re with me?”

“How far do you want to take me?” I ask in return, still feeling a little scared.

When I open my eyes again, the terrible feeling washes away. Something new lingers in his gaze. It’s tenderness, patience, and another word I’m not ready to face yet. A feeling stirs inside of me too, unfamiliar but slightly painful.

I’ve been so afraid being close would change everything, but what if it already has?

The right thing to do seems so obvious to me.

“I can’t have sex with you.” I press my lips together, feeling devastated. “I mean, I can’t have sex with you right now.”

“Good, because it’s a little too soon for me too.” He nods, careful and considerate. “You’re beautiful, trust me, I see it. It’s really not about that.”

“I know,” I say quickly. “I know it’s not about that.”

“Congratulations to us on not having sex,” he states with a big grin, like this is our number one victory. “Not until the time is right.”

“The right time,” I echo, trying to understand what that means to me. “What if I never want to have sex again?”

“Then I’ll learn how to take longer showers,” his deadpan delivery makes me giggle, a bunch of blonde hair falling over my face when I shift. “I mean it, though. I like sex. I like it a lot, even. I just won’t like it if my girlfriend hates it when she’s with me.”

Girlfriend .

Oh my… I’m about to become Beckett’s girlfriend .

The word strikes me as odd at first, and I want to test it on my mouth so badly, but before I can properly pronounce it out loud, I start to feel too embarrassed all over again.

I’ve never been someone’s girlfriend before.

What if I suck at it?

What happens, then?

Do we fight about it and break up?

I don’t want to break up!

“I need you to stop texting other boys, Cassandra,” he adds, voice still soft. “And not just because I worry about your safety around those guys, but because I might get really jealous in a very embarrassing kind of way.”

My stomach flutters.

“You get jealous of me?”

“Half of me thinks you’re still into Caleb.” Beckett clears his throat, sounding almost embarrassed. “I really hate that you ever went for him.”

“Because I thought you didn’t like me. Besides, I’m not into him at all.” I lean closer, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I’m pretty much a one-track-mind kind of girl right now.”

I could kiss Beckett for ages, though. He knows how to kiss me right. It’s slow but firm. He knows how to make me relax too, and before I know it, I want more.

This is definitely going to be a lingering issue.

“So we’re doing this,” I say, surprising myself with my own confidence. “You and I.”

He nods, unwavering, eyes not leaving mine. “You and I.”

“And it’s not because…” I clear my throat, thinking of all the things I’ve told him, all the bad stuff that’s happened to me. “It’s not because you feel some sort of moral obligation to be around me.”

“Cassandra, I’m not trying to date you out of pity,” his voice is firm, absolute. It leaves no room for doubt. “I’m allowing myself the chance to fall in love with you. And I want you to fall in love with me right back.”

“Love?” I whisper, uncertain. “What if I can’t do that? What if I never get there but you do?”

“That’s fine, too. I was your friend, once.

I can be your friend again,” he promises, adding a little more quietly.

“I just… I just want you to be safe while we try. We’ll figure something out before Nathaniel comes back, but until then, we’re going to need to have these awkward, difficult talks just to figure things out together. We’ll have fun too, I promise.”

“This is going to be totally embarrassing for me.” I groan, thinking about what just happened. Navigating a relationship with me isn’t going to be easy for him.

“It’s just me, though. Why should it matter?” He shrugs, the corner of his lips twisting. “I’ve watched you chase after Easter eggs in your backyard while wearing a pink bunny costume when you were ten.”

Heat rises to my face.

“What? You did?”

“Yes. And I saw you throwing little broken pieces of biscuits into our garden just to give Pepé half of your snack, too.” He kisses the side of my face, hiding a smile against my skin.

“I remember you lying at the cafeteria about it being your birthday just to get two slices of pizza instead of one, only for it to bite you in the ass when the staff decided to sing for you in front of everyone.”

“It’s not my fault if it worked like a fucking charm every single time!” I giggle a little, my chest lightening. “And I always felt really hungry!”

“You did,” he agrees, sounding so enamored it nearly makes me sick. “But you’d still get so embarrassed then that even the tip of your ears would go red.” Beckett touches them, watching me blush harder. “Just like they are now.”

“I…” I take a deep breath, trying to rein in my emotions a little better. “I think I want to figure things out.”

The words feel so real, so true, unlocking a closed door in my brain. It’s a leap of faith, right? A leap of faith in myself. Can I have this, even if I don’t think I deserve it?

“Then, let’s do it.” Beckett plays with my hair, undoing a knot. “Be mine, Cassandra.”

I want to. I’ve been wanting this all along: someone who is kind and gentle. Someone deserving of my affection. Beckett could be that person. I want him to be that person. I really want to try so badly.

“Will you… Just be patient with me while we’re falling,” my voice comes out small, too fragile.

This is such a vulnerable moment for me.

“I’m not just talking about today, but I’m really scared about this,” I confess.

“I’ve never been someone’s… someone’s girlfriend before. You’re my first boyfriend.”

He’s my first .

I’ve never had a first before.

Beckett inhales sharply, pulling me in, making our foreheads touch again.

“I’m a little scared, too,” he admits, looking straight into my eyes. “Let’s be scared together, okay?”

I nod.

Maybe falling won’t be so terrifying if it’s with him as long as I don’t keep my eyes closed. I’m just hoping we’ll make it through today and then tomorrow.