Page 119 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

CONFUSING EMOTIONS ABOUT GIRLS

Cassandra

Kayla keeps sending me glances from across the room. She and Antony sit on opposite sides of the room from Angelina, Mateo, and me, but every time I glance over my shoulder, her eyes are already on me.

It’s the kind of look that puts me on edge, guilt pooling in my guts because she can read me like no one else does.

Cassandra sends picture: blowing kisses at the camera

i miss you 3

school is boring and i wish we’d been on the same class

i would’ve stolen all your markers by now

Beckett: I miss you too pretty girl

Keep sending me pictures

I’m saving every single one of them

Me: jdjdjdjd

don’t say that

i got ALL red

literally flushed

“Are you and Kayla fighting?” Mateo stage-whispers, leaning in to steal a piece of chocolate from me.

“No.” I shake my head. “Why?”

“Oh,” he snickers. “What’s with all the longing glances?”

I shoot him a glare before raising my hand.

The teacher looks up from his book.

“Yes, Cassandra?”

“Can I go to the bathroom?” I ask, already halfway out of my seat. He gives me a thumbs-up and goes back to his reading. We’re supposed to be working through the assignment in groups, but I can’t focus. “I’ll be right back.”

“We’ll wait for you,” Angelina says, before muttering something in Portuguese to Mateo, who gives her a lost-puppy look before burying his nose in the textbook again.

I step out of the classroom, tugging my t-shirt as I walk.

The boy’s bathroom is right next door, but the girl’s bathroom is at the other end of the hallway. I make my way there, absentmindedly adjusting my bracelets, rearranging them in my preferred order.

Just as I near the bathroom, a classroom door swings open abruptly. Maria walks out, cheeks flushed, clothes wrinkled, followed closely by Noel Martin. They look like they’ve just had sex, and the thought of it makes me want to laugh.

“Tell Caleb I’ll pay him tonight.”

“Full price this time,” her voice is stern.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll bring the money.” Noel doesn’t spare me a glance as he turns and walks away.

Maria, however, keeps her gaze locked on me. I drop my head and walk away from the scene, speeding my steps. Whatever this is, it’s none of my business.

I’m reaching for the bathroom door when I hear footsteps behind me. I turn, noticing her pause a few steps back. My voice is flat as I inhale sharply. “What do you want?”

“Ugh!” She makes a frustrated sound. “I wasn’t doing anything!”

I scoff, “It sure looked like something.”

Maria exhales, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Well, it wasn’t. I’m not a cheater.” Her expression shifts, and for once, I see genuine sadness. “Caleb broke up with me again after the parade. We’re just friends now.”

My fingers tighten around the door handle. I don’t know what to answer, finding it difficult to show sympathy towards her when she had none for me before. But then—

“You’re with Evans, aren’t you?”

I pause.

Look back.

Our eyes meet.

I inhale deeply before nodding, slow and careful.

“I am.”

She hums, tilting her head to the side. “I saw you two near the gas station. You looked real cozy.”

Maria takes a step forward, slow and deliberate.

I don’t cower or flinch, not this time around.

“Glad you could enjoy the show.” I snicker, but in reality, it unsettles me.

My moments shared with Beckett are all so intimate, and I don’t like to think about the rest of the world perceiving us.

“I’d watch my back if I were you,” Maria warns and smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She looks tired, exhausted even. “Wouldn’t want anyone setting their sights on a boy like him.”

I blink slowly, trying to make sense of her.

“You’ve already won, Maria,” my voice is as steady as it can be. “My reputation is ruined, I’m barely scraping by as is, and Caleb ran right back to you the second I broke up with him. What else do you need?”

“I want you gone,” she sneers. “But Caleb is obsessed with you.”

I frown, watching her place her hands on her hips as she stares at me.

“Cassandra listens to this song, Cassandra loves this show, Cassandra wears this dress!”

A laugh, honest and bitter, bubbles before I can stop it.This time I let it out.My throat tightens with nerves.How dare he?

“Are you being for real?”

Maria’s mask cracks.

“No, I want you to feel what I felt!” her voice is sharper now, long black hair spilling over her chest like silk. “I was with Caleb for years before you even tagged along—”

I shake my head, cutting her off.

“I wasn’t the first girl he cheated on you with. You can’t seriously believe that this was his first time,” I point out, gesturing towards her. Sorry, Angie . “And if Caleb is really that crazy about me, what should I be making of all this? You don’t sound all that normal either.”

“You think I’m obsessed with you? Oh, please!” Her nostrils flare as she adds, with a hint of surprise. “What else? You really think I can’t get a boy like Beckett Evans?”

My memories rush me back to that night, in Beckett’s car. How he held me, reassured me, and kissed me. The words of comfort he gave me, promising to be different than Caleb. The answer slips out of me, so natural and easy, and it’s the one fact I don’t have doubts about in our relationship.

“I know you can’t.”

“Because he’s yours?” she says, her voice high-pitched enough to make a mockery out of me, but the way her eyes flicker back and forth are too nervous and unconvincing.

“Yes,” I pause, letting the word sink in for a moment before adding. “Beckett is mine.”

The hallway is silent and empty, bright white light flickering every few seconds above us. If I focus long enough, I hear the sound of teachers lecturing coming through the walls.

My heart beats faster now, waiting for her response, knowing that I need to know she’ll back off. Not because I’m scared, but mostly because I’m sick of this.I need this fight to end.

Maria’s demeanor slowly crumbles.I see it happen when she opens her mouth, ready to say something, but nothing comes out. No mean rebuttal, just teary eyes and shaky hands pressed against her stomach, as if fighting nausea.

She can’t stand the fact that I get to walk away with something. Well, too-fucking-bad. I won’t feel guilty about falling for him while her relationship falls apart. Not when she had no sympathy for me before.

Nathaniel taught me at least one thing, and it’s that sometimes forgiveness needs to be earned. I would’ve never done the same things to her. I would’ve never showed her pictures to others.

I stare at her for another minute or so, finding it so strange that she’d go out of her way to try to freak me out about my new relationship before realizing what this really is.

Desperation.

“I’m not scared of you, you know?” I admit, more quietly. There’s far worse than her out there, waiting for me.

I don’t give her time to answer before stepping inside the bathroom. Maria doesn’t follow after me.

The adrenaline still pulses in my veins as I reach for the sink, catching my own reflection in the dirty mirror. My face is flushed, my pulse is racing, and I can barely recognize myself after staring for far too long.

I mean, who is this girl?

The one who gets small moments like this, glimpses of bravery?

I’m not her, that’s for sure.

Maria wants me to feel what she felt, but the difference between us is that I refuse to let Caleb or her haunt me like that. I’ve seen worse and survived worse. She’s just a petty high school kid I won’t be thinking about in a year or two.

I turn on the faucet, splash cold water on my face, and clean up the bits of smudged mascara sliding down my cheeks with uncertainty before wiping it off.

When I walk back out into the hallway, my heart is set on leaving this story behind me.

There’s nothing left to be said; it’s time to just let go.

***

“Ever think about leaving?” I ask, rolling the basketball toward Angelina. It’s early afternoon now, and we’re just two girls trying to skip the last hour of Government and Politics class, hoping not to get caught.

She catches it and rolls it back to me.

“Le Port?”

“Yeah.”

“All the time.” She readjusts her glasses and waves at me to send the ball again.

I do it, watching her peel off her sweater, revealing pale skin and scars along her arms.

“Lucia and I had plans to go to the same university together.” She catches the balls, rolls it between her hands. “She’d go first, get apartment, set everything up.”

“What did she want to major in?” I tighten the pink elastic keeping my ponytail tied together.

“Art or astronomy. She couldn’t pick between the two.”

“And you?”

She hesitates, then smiles.

“I’ve always wanted to work at a hair salon like Mateo’s mom does,” her voice is softer now, almost sheepish. “I still want to, to be honest. I know I don’t look cool right now, but…”

“You look great.” I shake my head. “You always do.”

“But I don’t look like myself,” she insists, spinning the ball one last time before sending it back to me. “I’m not dressing up, not doing my hair, or putting on makeup like I used to.”

“Why not?” I clear my throat, catching the ball. “Is it because of Lucia?”

Her head dips, a shadow passing over her face. “It’s stupid, isn’t it?”

I don’t answer with words, just a shake of my head.

“Mateo says it’s stupid.” She continues, “Lucia used to dress me up. Tell me what to wear and how to wear it.”

I smile. “Like a big sister?”

She lets out a short snort, but there’s hardly any humor in it.

“Like I was her doll.”

“Oh.”

“Lucia had this… way of making me forget she was really only one year older than me.”

“Sometimes,” I start to speak, treading carefully. “When you talk about her, I can’t tell if you were friends or if you hated each other.”

Angelina is quiet for a beat before admitting.

“I like to think it was both.”

I try to spin the ball on my finger and fail. She giggles, asking me to throw it back.