Page 118 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

The objection is out before I can consider if it’s the right thing to say. “You’re not ruined, Cassandra.”

“Washed up,” she whispers, but it comes out more like a tortured sob. In moments like this, I am learning, she isn’t thinking straight anymore. Her own thoughts are replaced by Nathaniel’s. That’s how he comes back to haunt her, even miles away. “Just washed up enough to let him fuck me.”

“Shh, don’t say that,” I kiss her forehead, not liking her self-inflicted cruelty. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

“I know.”

“I wish I could’ve helped you sooner.”

I dry all her tears one by one, but it’s still not enough, and the pain that lingers in her eyes splits my heart right down the middle.

“And you’re not washed up or wrong. You’re not dirty or used. You’re just hurting a little too much to be able to see you like I do.”

She studies me, the corner of her lips twitching to pull a smile. It’s maybe my least favorite habit of hers—how she forces herself to smile when she’s in pain.

“What do you see?” Cassandra asks. “What do you see that I don’t?”

“You’re beautiful.”

I touch her lips, her nose, and the small redness that’s forming near her hairline.

“The texture of your hair.”

The thickness of the strands, more specifically. They’re always flying each way, following the wind. She looks like the only person I want to see in the mornings and the only friend I want to ever spend my nights with.

“The bit of brown in your eyes.”

Her eyelids flutter shut, closing them. I touch the sensitive skin, feeling the wetness gathering underneath my fingertips.

“This little thing that happens with your nose whenever you’re feeling upset about something.”

Her eyes fly right open in shock.

“What?”

“It twitches.” I touch it, tracing the straight line, feeling her breath rising and falling. “I swear I’ve memorized how it moves by now.”

“You have?” She wonders.

“The way you speak certain words.” I pause before adding, “You pronounce every syllable so clearly when I never really do.”

Her eyes go round. “Beckett.”

“How you looked happier than you are now earlier today, standing by Kayla’s side.” I kiss her mouth, and the slight brush of our lips makes mine itch for more. “But still not as happy as you looked early this morning, lying in my bed, and wearing my clothes.”

“I…” She exhales quickly, overwhelmed. “You noticed that? How—”

“How? Why?” I follow up before she can question me. “Am I not supposed to admire what belongs to me?”

The fog in her gaze lifts, and I watch her slowly come back to me.

That’s my girl.

That’s the one.

“Please, Beckett!” she gasps a little too quickly. “Please, don’t ever leave me!”

“Cassandra, hey…” I inhale a little too sharply too, not understanding where this insecurity is coming from. I don’t get why she’s so scared of losing me. I’m falling for her . I want nothing other than to keep her close. “You know I’ll stay. I’m not leaving you, baby.”

My blurry vision becomes clear again as the tears spill on my face, and she catches them with her thumb. I drag my thumb on the sides of her jawline too, pulling her body closer to mine, angling her face just right so I’m able to kiss her until she feels better.

I swallow the little broken sound she makes and the little gasps of pleasure that are only ever meant for my ears.

Nobody gets her like I do; none of them see her when she is like this, open and vulnerable.And I don’t want them to because she is mine .Mine to take care of, mine to protect, and I belong to her in return. I’m hers in every way there is, the only person she can be mean to.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I intertwine our fingers together. “I swear, baby. I’m going to stay no matter what.”

Cassandra starts sobbing again.

I can see the engines working in her brain, her trauma holding her hope back. I whisper the words again and again against her skin, letting each letter sink in, each syllable becoming tired from the overuse.

I’m going to love this girl until I am no longer.

“They could all leave,” I say, referring to the crowd of people outside this room. People we’ve known since forever. People who have an impression of her that’s so far from reality. They don’t know a single thing. “And I wouldn’t go anywhere, I promise.”

Green .

Cassandra’s eyes are clear most days, but they darken when she gets sad or angry. Right now, she looks somewhere between the two. I hate that she’s filled with so much hurt. I just want to take her pain away.

“You won’t?” she asks.

“I won’t.” I promise one last time.

“You know…” Cassandra presses my dimple with her finger, staring at me like I’m the only thing she could ever want. “Sometimes, I wish I’d waited a little longer.”

I intertwine our hands together again, keeping her close for reassurance but knowing what she means.

Still, there’s a world of possibilities for us out there.

I don’t want her to think we’re fated not to last just because we’re off to a rocky start.

This year hasn’t been easy on either of us, but I still think we can make it.

As long as I’m with this girl, whatever happens, whatever they say is meaningless. Nobody needs to know what happens between us, how we patch things up when one of us breaks. The rest—honest to God—is just background noise.

“I wish I could have all my firsts with you.” She closes her eyes, looking pained. My breath catches when she emphasizes. “ Only you.”

“We will,” I promise, because if I can’t fix anything else, I can at least try to fix this. I can give her what they didn’t, and make her feel important and valued. I can make her feel loved , truly loved, just for once. “And I won’t let him hurt you ever again.”

She hiccups, “Caleb?”

What Caleb did to her is nothing . It’s barely just a scratch compared to what’s waiting for her to come home. I’m worried about what Nathaniel might do to her when I’m not looking.

I can’t help but picture the young girl next-door, the one with bows in her hair.

How she beamed at me so cutely, telling me about all the houses around the neighborhood.

That girl couldn’t hurt a fly . She was sweet and innocent, and just a young little kid.

I want to protect her so much. Keep her from all the pain and all the darkness that’s constantly surrounding her.

How Nathaniel could find it in himself to rape her, bring himself to manipulate her, manipulate her feelings towards him... I don’t understand it.

He taught her how to be someone weak just to hurt her and get away with it, playing with her mind until she stopped thinking about anything other than just surviving.

That’s all Cassandra ever does.

Surviving.

She’s not even living anymore.

“Him too,” I answer simply, seeing through her fear. My lower lip trembles as I let out a shaky breath. “Can I take you home now?”

Cassandra nods and answers slowly, “Yes, please.”