Page 113 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

PEPé DOESN'T FEEL JEALOUSY

Cassandra

The next day, Beckett and I find ourselves at the beach to spend the afternoon with our friends. The sun feels a little too warm on my skin for me to be worrying about anything particularly bad, and Angelina and Mateo are both sitting next to me, making their stupid lover’s quarrel my problem.

It’s all so stupid.

They’re debating which childhood cartoon is the most impactful when it literally doesn’t even matter. I don’t have the heart to tell them that some forgotten 2007 Japanese animation is my favorite, but Blue Dragon absolutely rules over whatever stupid animation they both won’t stop arguing about.

It’s why I tuned them out about ten minutes ago, but every so often Mateo laughs too loudly, and it makes my attention shift from the crowd.

Beckett is talking to Olivia Saint-Louis, making her laugh, and giving her the time of day. She is a surfer, much like he is, with toned muscles and tan skin.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to surf, but I never had anybody to teach me. I guess they have that in common, and we don’t. The whole thought makes my skin itch.

“I’m going to get something to drink,” Mateo says, pushing himself off his chair. “Want to come with me?”

“No.” Angelina shakes her head. “Get me some juice?”

He nods quickly. “Sure. What do you want?”

“Passion fruit, please.”

I keep on sipping my strawberry-scented water, pretending not to be dying to hear their conversation. I mean, why does he have to laugh so loudly at everything she says? The girl can’t be that funny.

“You’re looking a little green from where I’m standing, Cassie.” Angelina laughs openly, pointing at my face. “Are you good?”

I am.

I really am.

Beckett sort of is my boyfriend, and I sort of am his girlfriend. He likes me and not her. Except…

Except I’ve seen boys cheat.

I’ve been on the other side.

This is karmic retribution , I realize.

Deep down, I’m no more special than Maria is, really.

I don’t have something magical about me that will make him stay.

It’s all about Beckett and his decisions, how he wants to treat me now that we’re officially together.

If I want a chance at a real relationship, I have to face the fact that I can’t control everything.

I used to be more laid-back before, more uncaring, but now that I’m getting attached, it’s all flowing out the window. All I can think about is him standing next to her, and when I see her touching his shoulder, my mind finally snaps.

“I’m fine.” I shake my head, tossing my hair back. “Stop speaking nonsense.”

“Why should I?” Angelina frowns, her new frames too big around her round face. She points her long finger at them, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. “You’re clearly getting all in your feelings about him talking to Olivia right over there.”

I scoff, trying to pretend to be something I’m not. Brave and mature, deserving of a boy like him. “I’m not that insecure.”

Except Olivia hated his ex-girlfriend for a reason.

That’s what Kayla told me, right?

That’s what she said to me, and…

Angelina rolls her eyes. “Sweetie, will you just please stop lying to me? It makes you look a little foolish.”

“I’m not lying to you,” I snap.

“You’re, like, obviously glaring at her. Honestly, if looks could kill, I mean.”

Angelina’s grin is so bright, making her round doll eyes disappear as she smiles at me. I pout, unwilling to admit defeat, and give her the tongue like a six-year-old child. She gives me the tongue back, no hesitation with stooping down to my level.

“Ah-ha! I knew it! It’s really showing on your face!”

A pigeon flies high above us, and Pepé chases after him, barking happily, because dogs can’t get boyfriends or feel jealousy. I check my phone for the eleventh time before looking at him again. Beckett leans closer to her, checking her tattoo, and yeah, that gets me to look away.

My heart shatters in my chest, the worst kind of pain imaginable, and even avoiding staring right at them doesn’t make it any less hurtful. Caleb picking another girl over me was nothing close to this. Beckett is reaching a place inside of me other boys never did.

I don’t like how vulnerable it makes me feel, how sensitive I get about him sometimes. I feel prickly, childish, and whiny. All the words people like to use for girls that are particularly annoying and sensitive, and…

God, am I really becoming this crazy boy-obsessed girl again?

“Alright.” I rise from my chair, readjusting my bikini to cover the sides of my breasts before taking my beach purse with me. “I’m done.”

Angelina stops flipping her magazine to give me a quick, incredulous glance. “Wait, wait, wait!” Her face is bright red because her skin doesn’t tan, not even after long hours under the sun. “Are you leaving me alone with your man?”

I pull my lower lashes down, cleaning up the smudged black mascara in my outer corner. I’m starting to regret putting on makeup today, but I wanted to look good, and it wasn’t going to happen with a fresh face.

She scratches the top of her head when I don’t say anything in response, her high ponytail slowly dropping to the back of her neck. “Cassandra, hey. You know I was just messing with you, right?”

I watch her take a look above her shoulders, shooting a quick glance at Beckett and Olivia. because they’re still somehow finding things to talk about. Like, just go ahead and date her instead, if she’s that interesting.

Angelina groans, “Look at them! They’re really just talking !”

Doesn’t she know that talking is the worst thing they could be doing right now? That’s how Beckett flirts and falls in love. Through talking .

“Great, but I still want to leave,” I insist, not wanting to hear any more of this. “I don’t want to stay here watching him flirt with somebody else. I’m done, okay?”

My phone buzzes in my hand. I check who’s texting me. Delete the text. This seems to set her off for some reason.

“Are you really going to meet some guy?”

And now I’m the whore again.

It was a guy, but no. I won’t. In fact, since André, I haven’t slept with a single guy in town. The only boy who sees me, touches me, or comes close to making me feel anything is talking to another girl. Beckett should be talking to me instead, laughing at my silly jokes.

“Will you stop stressing?” I take my towel and start trying to get the sand off it. “You’re starting to sound a lot like Kayla.”

“Well, she has a point, you know.”

Angelina reaches out, her fingers gently tapping where my concealer is supposed to be, blending it out.

“Do you guys keep a group chat that I don’t know of?” I roll my eyes, giving her space to fix me up. “S-O-S Cassandra Emergency?”

“Don’t get defensive about it. I’m not even the reason why you’re upset!” She snaps back, as gently as she can. “Is Beckett even okay with you still texting other boys?”

I try not to show any reaction, but the snort comes out of me without me meaning to. My friend frowns worriedly. “I’m not joking, Cassandra. I’m being very serious—”

“That’s not why I’m laughing. I’m not seeing anyone but him. I can’t believe you’re implying otherwise,” I cut her off, swallowing the lump that’s forming on my throat. “It’s just… I think maybe Beckett likes her.”

“What… What are you even talking about?” Her eyes go round, her hand freezing against my face. “You really think he’d do that to you? Cheat on you?”

“God, don’t you get it?” I swallow hard, overly upset about this. I’m getting in my head the longer I stay here. I just need some space to breathe, to think this through. “Maybe I was too forward, he lost interest.”

“What? But he’s with you .” She rolls her eyes and takes my stuff from me, settling my purse back on the sand.

“God, Cassandra. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.

Listen to me, okay? You’re going to put a smile on your face and go get what’s yours right now, or I will seriously slap you for a second time. ”

“What’s mine?” I echo. “Beckett is not mine.”

“Do you even want him to be at this point?” her question comes out automatically, like this is just as simple as me deciding that I get to have Beckett. “You, Cassandra Rivera, get to have things in this world. But if you really want him, you’re going to have to trust yourself a little.”

“But…”

“Come on! Beckett is lucky to even breathe the same air as you do!” she emphasizes her words, sounding so certain of it. “And besides, girls like us don’t wait for a happy ending to come to them. We make them happen, don’t we?”

And I don’t say anything, but my heart sings it for me.

I do want him.

I do, I do, I do.

Angelina sighs tiredly, catching up air before speaking again, “Stop letting other people get in your way or make you feel like you’re not up to the task… Oh, look. He’s staring at us again!”

What?

“Don’t make that face, Cassandra,” she deadpans. “It’s, like, really pathetic.”

“I’m not!” I drop her hand, feeling my cheeks blush.

Angelina rolls her eyes, but her gaze softens when she sees that I’m not actually kidding. I do feel desperate. I don’t know how to navigate all of this without losing my goddamn mind. I’ve never done this before, and neither has Kayla. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.

“I’m sorry, Cassandra, but someone has to say it.” She bites her bottom lip before adding, “Beckett stares at you whenever you’re not paying attention.”

He does?

“He’s been doing it consistently ever since you two got here. I’m getting fucking diabetes just from watching it happen.”

Beckett crosses his arm over his chest, blond hair flying each way as the breeze picks up. He’s shirtless, wearing nothing but khaki green swim shorts, and the color fits really nicely against his tan skin.

I wet my lips, knowing he was just as naked when I woke up this morning, remembering how hot his skin felt to the touch.

We’re so intimate when nobody else is around, touching, kissing, talking about everything, but it never occurred to me that our closeness is something others can notice this much or that we’re just as clingy around our friends.

That’s when I see him glance at me from afar, checking in on me even as Olivia keeps on talking, his fingers restlessly tapping against the curve of his elbow.

It’s a nervous tic of his. Beckett has so many of them.

He touches his hair, scratches around his finger, bites his lower lip until it bleeds. I’m starting to keep a mental list.

I want to be so good.

A good friend and a good partner.

A girl who doesn’t get jealous just because her boyfriend is talking to another girl. It all starts with confidence, which is something I seem to lack.

Beckett extends his arms towards me, an invitation for me to join them in conversation. I want to go after him, but I don’t want to face this ugly emotion taking root in my chest. It’s way too much for me.

“He only has eyes for you, dumbass.” Angelina gives me a gentle nudge, pressing her hand to my lower back. “Now, get out of my sight before I start to puke all over you.”