Page 67 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

I bite my lower lip, knowing my makeup makes me look good tonight. I did it just right, smoothing out the brown eyeshadow for a perfect smokey look. My lips are glossy, full, and pouty. With my bracelets, rings, and the golden hoops from the flea market near the beach, I know I look perfect.

Beckett isn’t looking at me now, but he does want to.It’s commendable and sweet that he is trying this hard to be respectful, but it’s also not the reaction a girl wants when she’s getting dressed up.

I know, I know. It’s just because I look really good, and he doesn’t like me like that, but it’s not like I’m flirting or anything.We’re just having a neighborly conversation, aren’t we?

Like I said before, we’re good friends, him and I.

He steps back suddenly and drops my hand. I move further away, feeling a shot of electricity running through me. It feels good to me, though I probably shouldn’t be feeling that way anymore.

“Angelina’s back at school.”

My head shoots up. Last time, I sort of had to push him into talking about her. This time, he is willingly opening up. I want to choose to take it as a sign he wants to open up to me again, but what if it isn’t?

My thoughts are clouded.

Beckett leans against the kitchen counter, and I start to dig through the basket, checking to see what kind of fruits he bought me. I see lemons, tangerines, a coconut, red tomatoes, and a few cucumbers.

Good news is, I won’t have to check the vegetable aisle at the supermarket this week.

“Yeah, I saw her,” I finally answer. “Is she doing okay?”

The bags under Beckett’s eyes aren’t quite as pronounced as they used to be, but he still carries a lingering tiredness in his face. He is healing, it’s just going to take some time.

“She’s getting better,” he says, but I can tell it’s a lie.

“I think she’s really strong,” I admit, mostly to myself. “Even if I’m not her biggest fan, Angelina is a strong girl who’s going through a very hard time.”

At hearing that, Beckett gives me a pleading look. “Listen, I know you guys aren’t close, but hear me out. I need you to go easy on her.”

I sigh, “And I haven’t?”

“She told me what happened at the library,” he suggests. “Listen, I know you’re with Caleb now, and I respect that. But Angelina was just trying to do the right thing.”

“The right thing?” I echo, now rolling my eyes.

It’s unsurprising that she didn’t mention me defending her in biology, but it still irks me. She’s kind of making me look like the bad guy.

“I’ve given her the chance to explain why she did that, and she sort of blew me off. I’ve also invited her to have lunch with me, but she never showed up.”

Beckett crosses his arms over his chest.

“She’s not like you and me. Angelina is a tough one to get to know, okay? But she’s my friend, just like you are.”

“You’re telling me this like I don’t know it already,” I sneer. “Literally preaching to the choir.”

“Cass,” he sighs. “Have you read the newspaper lately?”

“I…”

Beckett promptly slides a random newspaper across the counter. I check the page quickly before looking at him again.

“I hadn’t before, no. They’re still milking this story?”

“Lucia is an addict now. Not just a girl who got drunk, decided to drive, and crashed the car,” he laughs it off, but even a blind person could sense the hurt. “Can you believe this?”

Beckett doesn’t know Lucia hadn’t been drunk that night. He doesn’t have a clue. Nathaniel made sure he’d never find out.

“No,” I swallow hard.

“There’s gossip going around town, but I don’t care about it. I don’t. But Angie, she’s… She’s drowning.” He closes his eyes. Pained, anguished. “She was Lucia’s best friend.”

I hear him, but all I can think about is how doesn’t she know? How doesn’t she know about what Nathaniel did to Lucia?

They often went out together. I’d listen to them laughing their way back home late at night. Sneak peeks while they climbed their way back to Lucia’s room way past midnight, secretly wishing I could join them just one time.

I never got to be a teenager, not like they did. Their freedom made me so envious. If something happened to Lucia, Angelina should know all about it. She’s the last piece my brother forgot to get rid of. Why is that?

“Hasn’t she said something?” I nudge, trying to figure her out.

“Not to me, no,” he denies it, face pensive. “Like I said, I just want her to be okay. And I’m not asking you to befriend her—”

“But you’re asking me to keep an eye open,” I finish off his sentence, playing with the tangerine, rolling it against the surface of the counter. “You’re asking me to play nice.”

“I’m asking you to give her a chance,” he corrects me. “I’m pretty sure deep down her mom wants my head on a spike after what went down. But if I can help in any way, I’m at least going to try. What do I have to lose?”

The answer is really quite simple.

Me .

“Did you come here just to get in my good graces and smooth things over to get me on her side?” I say out loud before I can help myself, feeling like his timing is just awful. “Because if that’s the case—”

“Cassandra, no,” Beckett cuts me off immediately, sounding only sincere and nothing else. “You and I are not about this.”

“What if we misunderstand each other again?” I inhale lightly. “You weren’t the only one to feel some type of way about our fight, you know? I told you I could handle it. You didn’t listen.”

We know each other. We’ve always gotten along, as far as the memory goes. But is it enough?

I bet he’ll feel completely different about me if the truth ever comes out.I simply can’t trust Beckett enough to believe he’ll care about me and forgive the fact that I’m Nathaniel’s sister. Trust that is one-sided always leads to some kind of heartbreak, and I’ve already had enough of those.

I’m sick and tired of being hurt by men. It’s all they ever do to me.

“You got hurt,” he realizes, understanding dawning on him. “You get it, you understand me, but I still hurt your feelings.”

It’s more than that, Beckett.

It’s far more than that.

It’s my brother hunting your sister for months because—

“A little, I guess,” I admit, bringing my arms around my body protectively. “We just stopped talking. Things got really weird, don’t you think? And I heard you talking to the boys at Silvio’s… I didn’t know that you could do this, but I felt so sad.”

“Well, to be completely honest, you also hurt mine when you didn’t defend Lucia, and I didn’t think that you could do that either.” Beckett looks away, his chest puffing up. “Can’t we both just admit we have our own reasons for feeling the way we felt and, like, meet in the middle?”

“Yes, of course.” I press my hand against my chest, my face falling. Beckett looks at me again, his gaze more earnest than before. “I just… I really felt it right here, you know? In my chest. In my body. It hurt really bad.”

“That’s how I felt it too,” he agrees, touching his own chest like my words make total sense to him. “And I wanted to be mad at you, but being angry didn’t make it hurt any less.”

My heart stumbles.

Here he is, ready to let it all go.And though I shouldn’t accept his apologies, what else can I do? Tell him the truth? A truth that I can’t prove?

God, my parents will definitely kick me out if I do.

And then, what?

What do I do with myself?

Who do I become?

“Please, just listen to me.” Beckett steps closer, tilting his head so our eyes are at the same level. I watch him, feeling myself melt as he reaches out carefully, one hand cupping the side of my face before he asks, “I made a mistake. Will you forgive me? Please?”

His voice sounds so soft .

How could I ever resist him?

“Only if you forgive me first.” I blink fast, guilt clinging to me, pulling me down. “I’m sorry about what my brother did, okay? It was awful, and I wasn’t on his side at all.”

His frown disappears, replaced by a hopeful look. I want to bottle this look and bring it with me wherever I go. Beckett’s heart must have been built with pieces of sunshine. It’s why there’s warmth spilling around the soft, rounded edges.

“You weren’t?”

“No.” I shake my head, opening up to him and telling just a small piece of the truth. “But everything happened so fast, and I got scared. I felt like Nathaniel was going to get really angry at me for no reason, you know?”

“Oh.” Beckett sighs, sounding devastated. “We’re just being stupid, aren’t we?”

“I guess so.” I wince. “I thought you’d hate me forever.”

“Jesus, no.” His gaze flickers to mine before he adds. “Come here, sweetheart. Give me a hug.”

Beckett pulls me in, holding me close, warm and steady.He presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, and another to the corner of my mouth, something so quick and tender that makes the butterfly in my stomach flutter.

“I needed this,” he admits it in the quiet, and I close my eyes shut, feeling my heart beat so fast. “I missed you.”

My arms circle his torso.“I missed you too, Becky.”

“I missed you so much.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

“Let’s never fight again, okay?”

I nod softly. “Let’s not.”

It’s such a lovely thing to do with another person, to embrace them, smell the lingering scent that’s kept right at the crook of their neck.And it’s so intimate too, but the longer I breathe him in, the more my heart starts to shatter.

I might not get the chance to do this again once he finds out. Because eventually, Beckett will. There’s no way in hell he won’t, because I’ll tell him.I’ll be honest for once, because I owe it to Lucia, after everything she’s done for me.

Even if it’ll ruin everything.

“I have to finish getting ready.”

“Okay.”

“Caleb will be picking me up soon.”

“I know.”

His scent lingers.I feel it on my skin, my clothes, my hair, even hours later. I feel tied to Beckett in a way that makes me weirdly emotional. He pulled some strings inside of me, and made me feel like a young girl again. But I’m not this sweet and innocent person anymore. I’m dirty, and I’m…

I’m wrong.

I’m wrong and deeply flawed.

I’m not her .

I blink, finding myself at a party.

“What’s up with you?” Caleb asks as we get to his friend’s house. “You’re acting weird.”

I shake my head. “Nothing.”

“Are we cool?”

“Yeah.”

“Then, smile a little more.” He grabs my arm and yanks me towards him. The way his fingers are pressed against my wrists feels dangerous. “You look like you’ve got a stick up your ass.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumble, pretending not to care. “I’m just feeling a little tense.”

But I can’t focus on Caleb, can’t focus on kissing him, and caring about him, because Beckett’s steady hold still grounds me somewhere else. That small second, in my kitchen, felt the most perfect. But that’s the thing about good moments: they never last long enough, as far as I can tell.

“Do you want a drink?” I hear him ask. “It’ll help you relax.”

“Sure.” I shrug, ignoring every bad rumor I’ve heard about him so far. “Why not?”