Page 88 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

AFTER THE STORM

Cassandra

The next few days are so anxiety-inducing that I spend my time eating just to throw everything up.

The police allow the school to impose punishment on Laura and the two other girls who helped her, and they get suspended for excessive use of violence, but the matter of the pictures is something entirely different.

They tell me the pictures constitute illicit child content since I’m still only seventeen. It’s a weird thing to think about, how a few months from now I’d be considered anything else.

Phones get confiscated, and some of the pictures are deleted. Not all of them, though, which means that I’m still exposed. Online, in Le Port’s circle of kids.

It’s terrifying how everything happens so fast, and Kayla and Angelina spend hours texting people to ask them to delete texts and posts. It takes an entire week to get everything taken down, but by then, everyone already saw what they wanted to see.

I’d care about that a lot more—care about my reputation and what this means for me—if Dad wasn’t so furious. I’m making the school look pretty bad, which means that the higher-ups are threatening his job.

Mom calls me twice to check how I’m doing, but our conversations are cut short by Grandma feeling too ill. She’s worried about me, as far as I can tell, and unhappy about my decisions.

Nathaniel is… suspiciously quiet.

I don’t know whether I should be worried about that or glad that he’s forgetting about me for a second.

I end up missing out on two weeks of school before being allowed to return. My phone is completely unusable, so I have to get a new one to call my friends.

Kayla came back from her competition with a dislocated shoulder and a broken heart, and it seems like more than just having a lifelong friendship, we also happen to share the same terrible bad luck.

She hugs me tightly as soon as Nathaniel drops me off by the gates. It’s the first time I’ve felt safe in a very long time. I try to revel in this feeling, knowing it probably won’t last long.

“I missed you so much, Cassie!”

“I missed you too!” I hug her back, taking in her sweet floral scent for comfort. “What happened at the competition? I forgot to ask in our last call.”

“Absolutely nothing interesting.” Kayla sighs, presses a kiss to each side of my face, and grins in an encouraging way. Her French side is really coming through today. “I just slipped while I was getting off stage and almost broke my arm trying to hold onto the curtains.”

“Ohmygod!” I gasp, feeling super worried. “Are you okay?”

“Yes! But everybody saw me fall headfirst and laughed; it was super embarrassing for me,” she says with a pout. “I hope Alice dies sometime soon, because of course she had to laugh the hardest.”

“Oh.” My face falls, trying to picture a clumsier version of Kayla. Somehow, this feels impossible. “I’m really sorry. I’m sure it was just a fluke.”

“I don’t think so,” she admits, looking more troubled now. “I feel something’s up in the air, Cassie. Something wrong and sordid! Bad, bad omens all around!”

“Don’t say that.” I pout a little too. “I’m tired of bad things happening to us.”

We keep chatting about her next dance competition, and Angelina joins us a few moments later, her hair tied up in two low, messy buns.

I watch her waiting for the right moment to speak, not knowing whether I should thank her for being kind to me or just let it slide under the radar as one of those things we now do for each other.

“What’s up, Cardoso?” Kayla flips her hair back. “Did you bring the goodies?”

“Yeah, I did.” Angelina hands me a bright orange Tupperware, which I gladly take from her. “Cass, I brought you homemade chocolate donuts. Kayla said you have a bit of a sweet tooth.”

“Oh!” I start to pull the lid off, and the smell of vanilla and Nutella hits me right in the face.

The donuts are small, perfectly round, with white powdered sugar sprinkled on top. Angelina watches me attentively, trying to catch my reaction firsthand.

My eyes immediately start to water.

“This is too kind!” I blink harshly, quickly taking a small bite of one.

The pastry tastes really good, if not a bit cold, certainly from spending the night in the fridge. Sweet things don’t last in Le Port if you don’t put them away carefully; the ants will eat anything they can grab.

“You really didn’t have to!” I add lowly, voice rough with emotion.

Angelina rolls her eyes, downplaying the whole thing entirely. “It was Kayla’s idea, not mine.”

“That makes it even better!” I gasp, fighting a smile.

I am feeling all warm inside. The fact that they’d think of me and plan something together makes me feel so loved and cared for. I’ve never had many friends, but whatever cliché about quality over quantity must be true.

So what if the entire school hates me?

As long as I have these two around my corner, maybe I’ll be okay!

“Do you guys want to try one too?” I offer, wanting to share my sweet treats.

“I do!” Mateo walks in between us, rolling his skateboard all around me before coming to a full stop and placing his foot on the deck, attempting to do an ollie. He fails at it, landing on his ass, but a carefree smile still pops on his face. “You’re finally back!”

“I am,” I answer shyly, taking another bite before handing him half of the donut. And then, remembering there’s usually another boy right by Mateo’s side, I ask. “Where’s Tony?”

I haven’t made an effort to hang out with them again. Maybe I should have. There was something there last time we talked. And though Mateo hasn’t always been easy to read, I haven’t exactly given him a chance. Friendship is a two-way street.

“Probably oversleeping,” he says after a beat, gaze drifting to Angelina. “Did you get my…”

“Yes, I did.” Her cheeks heat up. “Thanks. It’ll help a lot.”

“That’s a lot of donuts just for me,” I mumble, thinking about keeping one for Beckett. Kayla takes one and splits it with Angelina, who promptly puts the remaining donuts back inside the container. I frown. “You don’t want more?”

“No, I’m good. I’ve eaten, like, at least ten of those at home.” She turns to Mateo. “I have something for Fernanda too.”

“You do?”

We all wait as she looks through her purse, evidently trying hard to find something small in the clutter.

“Remember how you said Fernanda doesn’t have a doctor here yet?

” She pulls out a note and hands it to Mateo.

“Mom still has the contact of the doctor she saw when she was pregnant. He’s the best one in town.

If you tell him we gave you his number, well, my mom gave you his number.

I’m sure he’ll want to see your sister.”

I close the Tupperware, discreetly shooting Kayla a knowing look as Mateo hides the note in his pocket.

“Thanks, Angie. That’s… Wow, that’s really generous.

” He rises and picks up the skateboard, leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek.

Angelina blushes, looking like a perfect Russian doll.

“My oldest sister… Uh, Fernanda just moved back home. She’s almost six months pregnant, and we’re having to find a doctor that’s willing to take her in now because her blood pressure gets really high sometimes, which is not good for the baby. ”

“Is it a boy or a girl?” Kayla asks, and I nod, agreeing that it’s the perfect question. I want to know it, too.

“We don’t know,” he says and winces. “Nanda is doing this whole thing where we’re not supposed to know the sex.”

My shoulders rise with excitement.

This does sound like something fun.

But what if she buys clothes for the wrong baby?

“I’m hoping it’s a girl, honest to God,” Mateo adds a moment later, sounding a little worried about it. “We have no other guy but me at home. I can’t teach a boy anything.”

“You can teach him how to skate,” I chip in, eyeing his skateboard with newfound interest. I have one at home too, though I don’t use it often. “But I don’t think tricks are your forte, if you know what I mean.”

Mateo rolls his eyes, messing up my hair. “Get fucked, Rivera.”

“No way, I have to survive through the first period first.” I slap his hand away, feeling Kayla start to pull me towards the school. “Priorities, dude.”

“She’s getting her education.” Angelina winks at me. “Learning a lot in the nurse’s office, aren’t you?”

I blush, feeling my heart speeding up. “You don’t even know.”

The mention of what happened between Beckett and me makes me feel so embarrassed.

I really need to find the time to apologize to him for forcing his hand, but I don’t know how to do it.

I feel a lot of guilt, and shame keeps me up at night, even.

Kissing him that day was really embarrassing and wrong.

What does it mean that I’m unable to be normal about sex and boys?

That I start to get in my head, and everything feels too confusing?

I want it, but I don’t. I want boys to pin me down and hurt me until I bleed.

I need their touch just to feel something real.

I need to know if this is as good as it gets or if Nathaniel truly ruined me forever.

I want to… As bad as it sounds, sometimes I think I want them to treat me just like he did. Like, I want them to rape me, too.

It can’t be a rational thought, though. It can’t be. Because if it is, it must mean I wanted him , too. And I can’t…

I don’t want that.

I can’t be that person or that girl.

Dirty.

Disgusting.

Sinful.

Kayla and Mateo glance at each other, not getting what this is about. Angelina shakes her head, waving them off.

“Oh, girl.” She smirks. “I think I do have an idea or two.”

We walk past the gates together, and I exhale a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding all along.

I’ll be fine.

There’s no way I won’t be.

None of this is real, anyway.

Not if I try to pretend hard enough.