Page 71 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

NOBODY LIKES TO BE SEVENTEEN

Cassandra

So far, living the high school experience means gathering a list of the worst decisions you could ever make and making sure to get to the bottom of it at the worst possible time.

My seventeenth birthday.

Happy birthday to me.

Two red pills. I’m supposed to take one of each, but I’m not brave enough to do that. I swallow down just one.

“It tastes a bit funky,” I laugh.

I blink hard, waiting for time to pass.

A couple of minutes later, I’m drawing butterflies against the bathroom mirror with my fingers, ignoring some girl who keeps pounding on the door, telling me to get out. As I listen to her yelling, I also start to realize that I don’t know what time it is anymore.

“Come on, Rivera! I really have to pee!”

“Go to the second floor. There’s a bathroom there, too,” I lie, holding back a teary laugh. A guy offered me the pills as soon as I went back to the party.

Let’s have some fun.

I said. Bet .

“There’s no bathroom upstairs, dude.”

I roll my eyes, wiping my tears with the backs of my hands. “Then, go pee behind a bush!”

She lets out another curse before stomping away, and I breathe in and out frantically. I feel worms all over my lips, down my throat, worms where he touched me.

Stop thinking.

My leg keeps bouncing up and down, up and down.I take a bunch of toilet paper and clean up around my eyes, fixing up the smudged mascara.

A few minutes later, the pills start to kick in.

I’m starting to feel good.

Really good.

It’s this nice, buzzy feeling underneath my skin, the nicest feeling in the world. I feel, feel, feel, until I forget what I’m even so fucking upset about. I’m happy and energized like I haven’t been in weeks.

Drugs.

I wanted to try them just once.

What could go wrong? I’m a very strong girl.

Painkillers do nothing to me; they never have. I stopped taking them after the second time Nathaniel hit my head against the wall, almost giving me a fucking concussion. Mom had to keep me in bed for days. My vision got blurry, and I felt so confused.

Just smile, Cassandra. That’s all you need to do today. Mom’s words of advice echo in my head. The thought keeps me going.

I blink again.

Someone enters the bathroom. The noise of the door unlocking is so abnormal, so loud, that I even think the pill is messing with me too much.

It’s a girl, as far as I can tell.She’s holding a credit card, the edges slightly bent.

Her brown eyes are covered with large-framed black glasses, and there’s just a hint of pink lip gloss on her lips.

Angelina Cardoso.

She didn’t put much effort into getting ready for tonight.

In fact, she looks like she just rolled out of bed.

Her purple sweater is oversized, hiding her soft, cursed, and tall figure.

She’s wearing dark, long pants, concealing her ankles.

Every single bit of her is hidden underneath some kind of clothing, and it’s way too hot to be putting on this many layers.

“Oh, it’s you.” She rolls her eyes. “Of course, it is. Like my night isn’t bad enough.”

I wince. “The door was locked.”

“Yeah, that’s why I unlocked it. Make some room, Cassandra.”

“Get out!” I grit out.

“What?”

“I said, get out!”

She pauses, considering my words before shrugging, “No, I don’t think I will. I’m way stronger than you are.”

“I’m not fucking kidding—”

“You saw what I did to Alice, right?” She flashes a fake smile. “Or I can throw you out there and let Helena beat your ass for making her pee behind a tree.”

Begrudgingly, I step to the side and sit over the toilet. Angelina closes the door behind us, locking it back.

A beat later, she throws a punch at the mirror.

“Angelina? What are you… You’re going to hurt yourself!” I yell, trying to be heard over the loud music that’s coming from outside. And I try to stop her too, but my head spins, making me stumble.

“Jeez, Rivera. It’s almost like that’s the fucking point!”

“Stop!”

“No! It’s too goddamn hard, okay? Alice is here, and she wasn’t supposed to be here, and… Why am I telling you anything? You don’t give a fuck about me!”

She keeps hitting the mirror, oblivious to her bleeding knuckles. I watch her, the scene playing out like a movie. I’ve never seen anger, not like hers. It’s pure power that makes me shiver. I can even feel it in my stomach, like acid.

The second blood starts dripping onto the sink, and I manage to snap out of it.

“Dude, stop!”

I reach for her, miscalculate my move, and slice the back of my hand in the process. It fucking stings.

“A?e!”

Angelina’s eyes go round right before she crumbles. The girl starts to cry, sounding so broken, so destroyed, and it honestly makes my heart clench.

“Have you lost your mind?” I snap angrily. “This is someone else’s home, Angelina!”

“Don’t touch me!” She shoves me back, making my gold bracelets clink around my wrist as my back hits the wall. “I fucking hate you!”

“What is your problem?” I reach out again, my mind too slow to understand that I need to back down.

“Let me go!”

“I just want to help!”

She slaps me in the face, and I slap her back.

My mouth falls wide open, disbelief sobering me up.

“Damn, Rivera!” Angelina cries, pressing her fingers against her skin. “Your fucking rings!”

“What about them?”

“It hurts!”

“Oh, really?”

This girl… has a really bad attitude, and I’m not having it!

I naively thought staying at the hospital would beat that kind of tenacity out of a girl, but no. It’s learned behavior.

Like, she spent years building that armor, perfecting it. You can’t easily break it now, not after what she survived. It’s in her long dark hair, her bare face. In the way Angelina walks like she knows she’s a problem, but she doesn’t even care. You push her down nine times; she stands up ten.

People like her are relentless, but I’m not.I give up the fight before it even begins.

She and Lucia probably related to each other a lot in that sense.

Strong girls stick together, don’t they?

But what’s the point of being strong when it only gets you killed?

What’s the point of standing up for injustice when it will only get you murdered?

Isn’t it better to be like me, this weak and cowardly thing, who deserves nothing but death?

“Are you done?” I ask, adrenaline thrumming through my veins. “Do you need to slap me again to feel better about yourself?”

“Stop!” her voice breaks.

“Go ahead,” I challenge her. “It’s not like I can’t take it, right?”

What’s a beating done by a girl compared to the punches of a man who’s almost a decade older than you are?

“No! What are you looking at me for? I just… I just wanted to get out of this house!”

Angelina waits for me to answer.

Bite her back with the same kind of venom.

A silent invitation.

Are you a strong girl too?

My gaze lowers to her arms, but she quickly hides the scars from me with her sweater. I wonder what Lucia would think of that and if she’d regret ever trying to save me, considering what her death did to her best friend.

We reach the bridge, and Nathaniel asks me to get out of the car. I don’t want to. I’m scared he’ll leave me and drive back to Port des Ondes. He tells me I have to do it if I want to understand. I have to get out of the car first, and then he’ll show it to me.

Before I know it, I’m running for my life, and he’s chasing me with the car. I think he’ll hit me. And if he does, I might die.

Somebody slams on the door.

“Yo, I’m not trying to be an asshole, but I really need to pee right this second!”

Angelina wipes her tears, pulling herself back together.

I motion to unlock the door, my hand pausing mid-air. “Tell me you have a way to get us out of here.”

She chokes out a laugh, “I have to send a text first, but I don’t have my phone.”

“That’s fine by me.”

I just nod, giving her mine.

***

A honk sounds from outside.

“Bro, Maria just pulled in!”

Angelina announces, looking at me pointedly. We’re hiding in Caleb’s room, waiting for our ride. I’m counting the split ends of my hair, and she’s keeping watch by the window. “Caleb is greeting her outside. Oh my god! They just kissed!”

“Did they?”

“Using tongue and everything! What a fucking joke, don’t you think?”

I smile to myself. Things are back the way they should be.

“Are you okay with that?” she asks, barely concealing a laugh. “I’m sorry, but this is too funny!”

“It’s fine,” I answer, rolling my eyes as I do so. “I broke things off.”

“Ugh, boring. But I guessed as much.” Angelina snorts, her red-rimmed eyes narrowing at me. “Bitch, how high are you right now?

“I don’t know. I only took one pill.”

“Pussy.”

“I have another one.” I show her the pill, trying to crush it between my fingers. “Look!”

“Wait! Don’t do this!” Angelina quickly kneels beside me. “Give it to me if you’re not going to take it.”

I place the pill in the middle of her palm, and Angelina promptly pops it into her mouth, giggling like this is the funniest thing in the world. I find myself laughing too, but only just a little.

“I’m not supposed to do that,” she admits quietly. “What I’m supposed to be doing is taking my medication.”

I frown. “Can’t this make you—”

“Overdose?” She shakes her head. “I stopped lately. They make me too drowsy, and I can’t keep up with class.”

“That’s the wrong thing to do,” I point out.

“Like you’re one to talk,” she counters, rolling her brown eyes at me. “Sneaking around with a boy who’s in a committed relationship, and all that.”

I fall silent, knowing she has a point.

My heart beats fast in my chest. This feels too casual, almost like we’re friends. But I don’t think I could ever be friends with a girl like her.

“Want me to fix it?”

She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, her small pearl earrings shining under the light.

“What?”

“Your face.” I unzip my purse, handing her my pocket-sized mirror. “Sad and emo is clearly not your look.”

She frowns, unconvinced.