Page 77 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

Cassandra pulls back, looking at the road and considering how to approach this. It takes her another minute or so to decide on what to do. I wait patiently, not minding the silence. It feels good to be awkward if I’m being awkward with her.

“Okay, I will,” she decides, licking her bottom lip before looking at me with resolve. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear enough, and maybe I should’ve worded things differently before. But what about today? Do you know the answer to my question now?”

Everything goes quiet.

Then, it all crashes back into motion.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly, trying to push away all the confusion I still feel. “I saw you with him that day at Silvio’s. You were wearing my jacket but kissing him, and I thought…”

I start to admit to letting the emotion fully run through me for the first time. Mateo was quick to pick up the clues, and maybe I’d been just avoiding thinking about it all along to pretend it wasn’t true.

“I really hated every little thing about it.”

“Were you jealous?”

Her words come out quiet, vulnerable.

I don’t hesitate this time.

“Yes.”

“If I…” She swallows hard. “If I went back to him now, would you still feel the same way about it?”

I bob my head twice, struggling to speak again.

“I… I think so.”

My eyes drift lower, watching her nose flare a little, then my gaze stops at the fullness of her lips. I take a deep breath, trying not to think too much about how soft they felt just a second ago.

“If I kissed you now.” Cassandra gives me an impulsive kiss to my cheek, then the corner of my mouth, and stops as her lips brush against mine. “Like this.”

She presses her mouth to mine.

My heart stops.

“How does this feel to you?”

Good .

I close my eyes, letting her touch me, feeling her hands meet the sore spots between my shoulders and neck. She bites my lower lip, urging me to kiss her back. I give her a small peck in return.

“Do you like it?” We kiss again. “Is it good?”

“Yeah.” I swallow hard, letting her do whatever she wants. “It feels really nice.”

“Good,” she whispers, like it’s a secret no one else needs to know but me. “Because this doesn’t feel like death to me, Beckett.”

And it never will.

I kiss her back.

It’s instinctual, like coming back to life after being dead for so long. Was I sleeping before? Maybe I was, but I’m definitely awake now.

Her lips are warm, trembling with emotion, the kind that lasts a lifetime if you only let it grow. It’s all teeth and tongue. Moaning, tasting, exploring. I cup the sides of her face, angling her just right for me, deepening the kiss, getting lost in the moment…

But then, reality slams into me.

We’re at Angelina’s.

She’s sad.

She’s high and probably drunk, too.

I pull back first, my lips parting in surprise.

Cassandra’s breath hitches, close enough to my skin, a question in her eyes. She wants to do this again. She doesn’t understand why I’m even stopping. But I saw it earlier; I saw it in her eyes. She was using me for comfort.

I don’t want it to be like this. I don’t want her to rush into my arms just because she feels heartbroken about breaking up with Caleb.

“Cass,” I speak, forcing a whine down my throat. She tastes so good. “I don’t think we should be doing this.”

She drops her forehead against mine, eyelids fluttering.Tiny warm kisses are distributed against my face, and I find myself stupidly going after her mouth, her hair, and her neck, wanting to find out what will happen if I were to lick the tiny spot no one else should be getting to know but me.

“I know,” she whimpers, sounding just as conflicted as I feel. “I’m sorry.”

“Cassandra Rivera.” I tilt my head up, chasing more of her, trying to steady the storm inside me but failing to. “We really shouldn’t do this right now. You’re really emotional tonight, and it’s just not…”

It’s not right.

I feel like I’m taking advantage of her vulnerability.

“I know.”

The weight of what we just did settles between us, heavier than ever before. It’s definitely wrong timing, but the tension is blinding us.

Cassandra presses her hand to my chest, and I feel her right there. As in, I feel her inside my body. Her touch makes my entire skin feel raw, like it’s slowly being peeled off my skeleton.

It hurts.

It hurts me .

It hurts me because she is in pain, and I want her not to be.

I open my eyes, feeling my chest burn so badly it suddenly makes me want to cry like a little kid. Her gaze locks in mine, hooking me to hers. This is the only acknowledgement I get that we both need to stop before things get out of hand.

Wanting something doesn’t make it right, but isn’t that what always pushes us over the edge and makes us want to ask for more?

“We really need to stop,” I warn her, because my own sense of reason keeps telling me as much, right before I send it all to hell.

You’re so selfish.

I hear my inner voice screaming, telling myself to stop, but when she’s in my arms in the darkness, it all feels so quiet.I can’t bring myself to care. When Cassandra reaches for me again, I immediately kiss her back.