Page 120 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

“Of course, I loved her. She was my best friend, and I don’t say that lightly, Cassie. There’s not a thing I wouldn’t have done for Lucia.” She catches the ball, staring at it intently. “But sometimes, I hated her so badly too.”

“Friendships with girls hard,” I sympathize.

“So hard,” Angelina exhales. “It’s, like, so deeply personal. I try so hard not to, but I feel this way about every single girl I meet.”

“And it’s not romantic?” I wonder.

Angelina unties her hair, letting her brown strands fall around her face. “I thought about that. Can something be romantic but also not be? I don’t know. I don’t feel that way about girls. I never have.”

Then she smirks, eyes glinting with mischief, her very own trademark.

“I like boys.”

I roll my eyes, suppressing a giggle.

“I like boys too!”

“Oh, I noticed that!”

Bitch.

“Sorry,” Angelina apologizes quickly before I can tell her to fuck off. Then she adds, a little more seriously, “Sometimes, I feel like I spent my whole life trying to find people who understood me.”

I nod. “I get that.”

“And then I ended up in the hospital,” she pauses, watching me carefully, waiting to see if I’ll react. I don’t. She continues, “Lucia had just died, and I felt so guilty. Each time I attempted and it didn’t go the way I planned felt like another failure. I’m a hard bitch to kill.”

“That must have been awful!” I swallow hard.

“It was,” she says flatly, sounding upset. “It was lonely. They wouldn’t let me see anyone but doctors at first.”

That’s so fucked up.

“I realized you have to be like me to understand me. Boys, they’re never going to get it.”

I breathe out, “They can’t.”

Because we are fundamentally different, down to our core.

Not weaker, not lesser, but different. Girls have no other choice than to reproduce the same patterns, the same mistakes, and experience the same pain.

We survive under the same stress and break under the same weight, in a way boys never have to.

“I sure hated Lucia,” her voice cracks. “But that was love too, you know? She was like a sister to me.”

“I know.”

I think about pulling her into a hug, but it doesn’t seem like she might appreciate the gesture. While we’re still getting to know each other, I don’t want to overstep or speak out of turn.

“I’m sorry you lost her.”

Angelina blinks hard, fighting back tears, her face grimacinglike this is the worst thing that could have happened to her. And it makes me think of Kayla… of losing my own best friend. The pain would be unbearable.

“I don’t want to lose a friend like that ever again,” she settles, clearing her throat. “That’s why I think that you should ask for help.”

“Help?”

“I have a therapist,” Angelina says carefully. “She works at this fancy cabinet downtown. She’s good, Cassie.”

“I don’t need a therapist, Angelina.” I shift uncomfortably. “I don’t need anyone.”

“Anyone but Beckett?” her tone is amused, and my face flushes hot at the sound of it. “He likes you, Cassandra.”

My stomach flutters with butterflies.

“I’m not trying to use him.” I blush.

“I don’t think he’d mind it if you were,” she jokes, glancing at her feet. Then, more quietly, she tries again, “Beckett is earnest to a fault. He’s all in, Cassie. No middle ground, and you can’t deny that.”

I swallow hard, listening to her every word.

“Maybe you don’t see it now, but something is really wrong.” Her brown eyes shift back to me. “And one day you’re going to look back and wish you’d gotten help sooner.”

“What happened with Caleb is…”

I close my eyes shut, trying to keep myself from oversharing, not wanting to spill more than I need to.

One person already knows everything about me.

One person should be enough.

“It’s like, if I start with that, I’m going to have to talk about everything else. I’m not like you and Kayla, okay?”

“You think Kayla and I are stronger?” Angelina presses, her eyes sharp. “Is that why you’re pushing her away?”

“No.”

“Because on our end, it looks like you’re pulling away a little unless we’re all together. And Kayla keeps trying to reach you.”

“Olivia told me I couldn’t be her friend, and I know it’s stupid, but it kind of stuck with me,” I clear my throat, trying to recall exactly which words she used that day. “ Whatever bullshit you’re going through, don’t ever bring us into this again .”

Angelina’s gaze widens. “She said that?”

I nod.

“That’s way too rough.”

“She’s not wrong.” Heat rises to my face. “I ditched them. On Kayla’s birthday. To go to some guy’s house instead. It was a shitty thing to do, but I just wanted to…” I glance at her, expecting judgment, only to find understanding. “I wanted to do something stupid, so I did.”

The bell rings.

Time to go.

I know Beckett is outside, waiting to pick me up and drive me home. Our afternoons together are my favorite time of the day.

“Angelina?” I say as we start walking.

“Yeah?”

I hesitate at first, too ashamed to speak. Then, I blurt out.

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“If you’re a bad person, Cassandra,” her voice is quiet, so unlike her. “Then what does that make me?”