Page 49 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

KISSING IS BETTER THAN THEORETICALLY SPEAKING

Cassandra

I invite Kayla over after school with the intention of getting ready for the fundraiser together.

It’s my way of making up for leaving so soon the last time we hung out.

She agrees right away, but first, we stop by her house to grab a few things.

Her oldest sister, Olivia, is in charge of driving us back to Port des Ondes.

The Saint-Louis family is wealthy, but they don’t exactly like to flaunt it. Their house, one of the few still standing in the city center, is a simple three-bedroom home just a few streets away from the mall. Kayla’s mother, Manon, bought it with the alimony from her first failed marriage.

She’s the smartest woman I know, raised in a family where being a doctor is not an accomplishment in itself. Really, a few of Kayla’s cousins are interning together at the hospital. Manon took a different path. Still prestigious, but different.

Instead of pursuing medicine, Kayla’s mother became a highly successful business lawyer, proving that ambition doesn’t have to look just one way.

Marrying Jo, a man who never finished high school, would’ve been seen as a downgrade, I guess.

That is, if Manon hadn’t been so rebellious against her parents from the very beginning.

And besides, Kayla’s father is a force to be reckoned with himself.

He’s influential, deeply involved within the local indigenous community, and a self-made businessman, having launched his own natural cosmetics brand a couple of years back.

They’re my definition of a power couple.

Growing up, I wanted a marriage just like theirs so badly. Sometimes, I still do.

“Do you want to eat something while we’re here?” Kayla asks, already pulling a dish from the oven. “Mom made lasagna.”

I nod. “Oh, I love your mom’s lasagna!”

“It’s vegetarian,” she warns me, cutting me a piece. “With roasted vegetables and ricotta.”

“Sounds pretty good to me.” I grab a fork, but before I can take a bite, someone presses a kiss to the top of my head, making me jump. “Mrs. Saint-Louis!”

“Why so jumpy?” she laughs openly, pulling me into a warm hug before pinching my cheeks. Her perfume surrounds me, fresh notes of peppermint and citrus, as if she just stepped out of the shower. “My dear, you never come around anymore.”

Kayla slides my plate over, grinning brightly when her mom motions to my pink cheeks. “Yes Mom, she blushes easily.”

“So easily. It’s amazing!” Manon moves to the fridge, grabbing some orange juice and pouring two glasses for Kayla and me. “Cassandra looks like a little coccinelle .”

“What does it mean?” I ask.

My French just isn’t the best.

“A ladybug.” Manon pinches my nose. “You were the cutest baby in the world, with your red cheeks and your pink bows. Absolutely adorable!”

“Jeez, thanks Mom!”

“Now, let’s not get jealous. You know I love you the most.” She presses a kiss to Kayla’s temple, quickly fixing how one of her braids looks. “How was school?”

Kayla kisses her back. “Good, but I’m really glad we’re getting a break soon.”

I take a bite while they chat about our upcoming “winter” break. Our birthdays are close, with mine being on December 25th and hers on January 1st, but we never get to celebrate together because she always flies to Paris to visit her grandmother.

This year, though, we’ll be spending New Years Eve together for the first time.

No family, no siblings.

Just us.

I’m very excited.

“Is the lasagna good?” Manon asks, glancing at me again.

I nod fast, swallowing down a bite.

“Good. I’ll pack you a little something for you to take home.”

“Oh. There’s no need for that.”

“Of course, there is. We help each other, don’t we?”

She leans her head against Kayla’s shoulder, the two of them looking eerily like twins. Kayla takes after her mother, with full lips and almond-brown eyes.

“How’s your mom?”

“I…” I hesitate.

Mom hasn’t called me since last time. If she has something to say, she goes through Dad or Nathaniel first.I think she doesn’t see the point in confiding in me about Grandma’s illness. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m mature enough to handle it.

“She’s okay,” I answer carefully, pushing the cheese around my plate. “I mean, it’s terminal cancer. There’s not much the doctors can do at this point.”

Manon’s face falls.

She presses her hand to her chest in quiet sympathy.

I find her so sweet.

“If you ever need a place to stay, you’re welcome here. Kayla would love to have you around.”

I glance at Kayla, who immediately nods. “My room is big enough for the both of us.”

“And Olivia’s old bed is still somewhere dans le garage , right?“They share a look, already planning everything. My heart melts. “It doesn’t feel right to leave you alone with those boys.”

I press my lips together, trying not to smile.

“That’s really sweet, but I really don’t want to put all that pressure on you guys. I’m doing fine, really. Home is… good.”

Mrs. Saint-Louis sighs, watching me eat. She doesn’t look entirely convinced; her expression is sharp, a little too observant. Much like Kayla, she’s impossible to fool.

“What about that brother of yours? Is he helping?”

I swallow hard and force a smile. “As much as he can.”

The ugly truth is, I’ve been avoiding him. The less I see Nathaniel, the better I feel about myself. He’s been fixated on it, pushing me to say things I don’t mean and things we both know aren’t true.

I don’t understand why it’s so important to him, why he needs me to say I liked it. Does it absolve him from the guilt of hurting me? How could he ever think that way?

I just want to live my life without this weight on my shoulders. I want to graduate, go to college, meet new friends, and do something good with myself. I want to be a good daughter and a good person.

Why can’t he just let me be? Why does he have to constantly make things more difficult for the both of us?

Sometimes, I really wish he’d just go away. Vanish to another planet. An airplane flew above my head earlier while I was walking to Sainte Madeleine’s main building, and I caught myself relating to the main character of this book I’ve been reading.

Astrid Jones is pulling tricks on me, I swear. Like, I literally started mentally asking the passengers inside of it how to get rid of someone I am starting to hate. Isn’t it crazy? I feel so fucking insane.

You could kill him .

No.

That’d be cruel, and I’m not a cruel person. I can’t be.

“Well, the door is always open,” she emphasizes, her voice gentle. “You’re family, Cassandra. Don’t ever forget that.”

“I won’t,” I promise, just as quiet.

***

“Olivia thinks Mom likes you more than she likes us,” Kayla says, twirling in one of my skirts. It’s long and blue, nearly reaching my ankles when I’m wearing it. “She gets so bitter whenever you’re around.”

“Is that why she ignored me in the car?” I adjust my mirror to apply mascara. “Your sister is nuts.”

Olivia Saint-Louis has never liked me.Not when we were kids, not when I started sleeping over, not now. She thinks I’m spoiled and annoying, and she never ever forgets to mention it.

I put up with it because I know just how much Kayla idolizes her. Besides, I’m not friends with Olivia. As long as Kayla and her parents like me, why should I care if she doesn’t?

Some girls, I swear.

There’s no winning them over.

“I mentioned Caleb kissing you, and you know what she said?” I shake my head, and Kayla rolls her eyes. “That she hopes Maria finds out.”

I grimace. “What the fuck is her issue?”

“A bit much, right?” She sits on the edge of my bed, picking up my pink dress and smoothing a wrinkle over. “She claims you’re helping him cheat.”

“They’re not even together.”

“That’s what I said!”

“She’s just so extreme. Like, I don’t even take it that personally because she does that to everybody, right? Remember what she said to Alice?”

It should’ve been a protective gesture, but she’d taken it a little too far by mentioning the fact that Alice is adopted. Her birth mother is, like, the number one topic people can’t mention. It truly gets her so upset.

“I never agreed with that.” Kayla bites her lip, sounding a little conflicted. “I told Alice, but I don’t think she will ever forgive me.”

Understandable, considering Kayla never defended her in the moment when it happened. I’d have a hard time forgiving her, too. Especially with their history.

“I get that she’s your sister, you know,” I say, trying to fix the clumped lashes. “But why does she feel the need to go this hard? No one’s trying to steal her spot, or something.”

Kayla shakes her head. “It’s not about that. Olivia has her issues, and…”

I cut her off, placing my mirror back on the vanity. “What happens when you make a mistake? It’s not like Alice is the only one dishing it, right?”

Flaunting her crowns. Making light of her achievements. Kayla is a much better dancer than Alice is, and she won’t let the other girl forget it. They always toe the line between competing against each other for the sport and competing against each other just to put the other down.

It’s a very thin line.

“Listen, just because Olivia and I are siblings, it doesn’t mean that we think the same about everything. We’re very different, she and I, and the older we get, the more I…” Kayla pauses, looking troubled.

I can see the little clouds flying over her head, chasing all the sunshine that usually follows her around.

“I worry that I might be someone she doesn’t like to be around very much. She thinks I’m this overachiever, you know? That I want all the same things she wants.”

“And what does she want?” I press, wanting her to open up. If this is troubling Kayla, I want to know about it. Maybe I can help give her some perspective. “Leaving Le Port?”

“Not only that . Cassie, I just don’t think I want a boyfriend,” Kayla whispers quickly, her expression morphing from confusion to horror. “God, I don’t think I want to date a guy.”

I nod slowly, not understanding what the point of telling me that is, but still willing to follow her train of thought.

“Okay. Why is that important?”

“Because Olivia keeps talking about setting me up with Stefan’s younger brother. He’s our age, you know? And goes to public school. She keeps pushing, and I keep blowing her off, and…”

A grin slowly spreads on my face. “Is this what’s been on your mind for so long? Not wanting to date some guy?”

“Cassandra.” Kayla takes a deep breath. “Listen to me, I don’t think I want to date a guy, like, ever .”

“Oh.”

“Like, when you told me about Caleb kissing you, and you didn’t look happy about it, I thought maybe—” Maybe I understood . “But then, of course.”

“Well, I did like it.” I blush a little. “And I’ve liked it before, with other boys, too.”

“I never have.” Kayla looks devastated. “I don’t think I was made for it. Every single time a guy tries to talk to me, it ends so badly.”

Then, she shows me what’s hiding on her phone: a string of texts where some guy tried to chat her up, only for her to leave him on read.

“I’m such a freak, aren’t I?”

Kayla looks so small and scared. I never want her to feel that way, especially if it’s about something she has very little control over. You can’t choose who you love; it just happens to you.

“You’re not a freak,” I snort while checking out his profile picture. He’s cute, but not my type. “You’re just not into guys.”

“Then, I’m a lesbian.” She throws her phone onto the bed. “Why does that sound so much worse?”

Because it’s A Word.

A big, undeniable truth. Nobody likes those.

“Is Alice your type?” I ask, curious.

Kayla flushes. “Stop, Cassie. This isn’t a joke to me.”

“I’m not joking,” I promise, intertwining our fingers together. “So what if you are? What if she is? Why should Olivia care?”

“She doesn’t believe in it.” Kayla shrinks into herself. “I’ve heard her talk about Alex, the girl from her grade.”

“The one who dated Beckett?”

“Yes.” Kayla wets her lips. “Alex likes both boys and girls. Olivia said she was disgusted.”

Her words make me frown.

“She thinks Alex didn’t deserve a guy like Beckett.”

Ah.

Obviously.

I roll my eyes, finding the entire thing so stupid. Olivia sounds seriously a little too obsessed. I’m glad Beckett never tried to date her, at least as far as I know.

“That’s because she probably wanted Beckett for herself, Kay.”

The thought isn’t comforting. I don’t want Olivia to like Beckett, at least not like I—

“You really think so?” Kayla deflates, staring at our hands, how they’re intertwined together. I wonder if she’s ever thought about holding Alice this close. It’s so goddamn adorable. “I’m not even sure of what I want. I’ve never tried it with a girl.”

“Listen, if you think you might like Alice, go for it. We have one year left, and then we’re done. Worst-case scenario? She says no.”

Kayla looks uncertain. “But what if I don’t like it, after all?”

“Alice?”

“Girls,” she corrects. “What if I don’t like anyone?”

I consider it. The world is a very large place. There are all kinds of people out there, and maybe some people just don’t get butterflies in their stomach, but I don’t think Kayla is one of them.

I think Alice and Kayla being together makes a lot of sense, actually. It’s why they’re always fighting—because they don’t know how else to express how they feel about each other.

“You will,” I decide, knowing it in my heart. “But there’s only one way to find out.”

Her eyes go round, making her look like the little girl I used to know. “What way?”

“You’re going to have to kiss Alice.” I clasp my hands together, a perfect plan forming in my head for tonight. Alice will be at the fundraiser. It is the perfect chance. “But first, we need to start getting dressed.”

“Cassandra, no—”

I cut her off, “So, what do you think? Blue skirt or pink dress?”

Kayla groans, sounding defeated. She hops on the bed, kicking her feet up in the air. “Definitely the pink dress.”

I twirl around, trying to picture the dress on me.

“God, I hate you. I want to kill myself. I hate this!”

I laugh, turning on the CD player.

Be My Baby blasts at full volume. Kayla groans louder, and I just chuckle darkly, slipping out of my clothes.