Page 136 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

THE LAST NOTE

Cassandra

The party starts an hour later than we first planned.

Invitations were given to the six of us, Alice Chartrand, and Mateo’s older sister.

All things considered, the only person who’s really missing is his mother.

Mrs. Pereira is working late tonight, stuck on the other side of town, answering to a picky client who insisted on getting her hair done in the comforts of her own house.

We decorated the dining table with balloons and covered the cake with brigadeiro, a sweet topping made of chocolate powder, butter, and condensed milk.

The boys were very adamant about buying our drinks, and I even convinced Beckett to pick up some extra sour candy at the store near Sainte Madeleine on his way home.

The local brand is a nice throwback to the day Mateo, Antony, and I decided to skip detention together.

Only now our group feels all the more complete.

Kayla and I spent our time licking the casserole after Angelina was done cooking the chocolate mixture because it tasted absolutely delicious, but the sweetness is now making my stomach hurt a little.

Or maybe it’s how nervous I feel. Being out tonight, even for something as casual as this, is making me jittery.

Mateo blows out the candles after we sing him happy birthday, brown eyes shining with emotion as he searches for confirmation that this isn’t some kind of twisted joke.

“Aw, man! You guys really didn’t have to!”

“Are you crying, Gabriel?” Angelina hugs him tightly, a ghost of a smile blooming on her face. “Ohmygod, you really are!”

“I’m not!”

“We wanted you to feel special!” She kisses him on the lips, a very light and quick peck, but it’s enough to get Mateo to break. His gaze is unwaveringly soft as he stares into her eyes, looking every bit as enamored as she is. “Do you like it?”

“Yeah.” He tucks her hair behind her ear. “ Obrigada, bebê .”

“Ew!” I roll my eyes, pretending to be disgusted. “Enough kissing! Disgusting! Disgusting!”

“Oh?” Angelina crosses her arms over her chest, pretending to be upset. “Says the one who won’t stop kissing Beckett!”

“It’s your first year here, besta .” Antony pokes a balloon until it explodes. “You’re surviving, aren’t you? It’s a reason to celebrate in itself!”

“Alice is late.” Kayla pouts. She looks a little bumped. “She said her father and her are still stuck in traffic.”

“Why did we invite her again?” Beckett whispers to me, a little confused. “I thought you guys weren’t friends.”

I shrug, “That was all Kay-Kay; don’t question it.”

The group keeps chatting about Mateo’s birthday, our plans for the summer break and what to do together this weekend. Mateo really wants to visit the waterfalls in the forest, but we need someone to guide us through the trails or else we’ll get lost.

Beckett is explaining as much when Fernanda comes from the kitchen, her hand pressed against her swelling stomach. “I think I’m going to throw up again.”

“Jesus, Fer,” Mateo groans, looking a little disgusted. “Spare us the details.”

“I’ll come with you this time around and hold your hair up,” Kayla says, already walking her to the bathroom. “Cass, cut me a piece of cake!”

“Don’t worry about it!” I grin, feeling Beckett’s hand tighten around my waist. “What were we talking about again?”

“Paying for a guide.” He kisses my cheek. “I’ll get both of our parts, so don’t worry about that.”

It stings a little, though.

I’m not able to afford things, not unless my parents give me money for it. And I might not even be able to go if we really talk to Kayla’s mother about my situation; I don’t know what happens when teenagers get kicked out, but I doubt they’ll just leave me unattended.

Mateo tosses the wrapping paper under the table, trying to keep it away from the floor to avoid any accidents. I give him a grateful glance, knowing I’d probably be the one to slip and fall because of it. He gives me a thumbs-up before blurting out.

“Man, I really need a cigarette.”

“Where’s your pack?” Angelina asks.

“It’s in my… Wait, hold on. I’ll go pick it up.” Mateo stumbles forward. He chuckles a little awkwardly, disappearing into his room. “Look at me, almost falling.”

Her smile falters. “You guys didn’t drink at Silvio’s, right?”

Beckett shakes his head. “No? Why?”

“Nothing.”

She turns to Antony, biting her lips nervously.

“Tudo bem, Angie?”

“Ele n?o bebeu, né?”

I want to focus on their conversation, mostly because Portuguese is a fun language for me that I’d love to learn more about in the future, but Kayla comes back from the bathroom, her hands steadying Fernanda, who looks pale but relieved.

“I hate being pregnant!” The older woman cries. “I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!”

“I know. It sucks.” My friend tries to reassure her. “But you’ll really love the baby.”

Fernanda shakes her head. “Oh, no! God knows I’ll hate him orher too!”

The living room fills up with laughter.

Beckett touches my elbow, a silent request for attention.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just tired. It’s been a long day.” I shrug. “Why?”

“I thought you looked a little off.”

Now that he’s pointed it out, it’s easier to see how my body is here, but my mind isn’t. His hand slips into mine, anchoring me. I try to smile again, but it feels fake. The nervous energy is starting to make me feel exhausted.

“It’s really noisy, that’s all.”

Beckett nods, tilting his head towards the balcony. “Do you want to step outside for a minute?”

“Okay.” I can only nod. “Let’s do that.”

We slip into Mateo’s dimly lit balcony, and Beckett slides the white curtains and glass door behind us, closing it shut.

His hands cup my face, tilting it towards him. I feel the weight of his lips against mine as he kisses me, and I melt into it immediately.

“You’re acting quiet.” Beckett presses another kiss to the corner of my mouth, right before pulling apart. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I chuckle sadly. “I’m just trying really hard not to ruin this.”

“Tonight?” he asks. “You’re not.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Cass, just talk to me.”

I look up at the sky; how clear it seems above us. It’s the only thing I don’t hate about Le Port, how bright the nights are. Stars are shining as far as my eyes can reach, and the breeze is quiet today, almost nonexistent.

No noise.

Just us.

And he sees right through me.

“I feel like I might need help,” I admit, still not liking the thought of it. “Like, real help.”

“You want to…” he sounds a little surprised. “To go to the cops?”

“Yes.” I breathe out, but I don’t feel it.

My heart’s not in it.

I don’t feel ready.

I just feel hollow.

Pathetic.

Weak.

“I’m trying so hard, Beckett.” I shudder. “But every time I fix one thing, something else slips out of my grip.”

“Cassandra, I’ve told you this before. You’re going about it all wrong.” His hand comes to rest against my waist, smoothing out the wrinkles of my pink dress. “You don’t have to fix it all, baby. At least, not alone. Not when I’m here for you.”

I try to believe in what Beckett is saying because he sounds so sweet. I really, truly do. It’s just too hard.

“I’m doing this the only… the only way I know how to,” I stutter. “But I think I might need more.”

“More?”

“Yeah.” I close my eyes, holding back the tears threatening to fall. “You… You understand me, right?”

“Cass, you know I do.”

Beckett leans in, brushing his forehead gently against mine, and it’s this moment that does it for me.

I fall for him.

Heartbrokenly, I give him every last bit of me, even the pieces I’m sure he probably doesn’t want. And it’s all so fucking wrong, so fucking unnecessary—

“You’re the only thing that feels safe to me,” I try to say, crying now. I’m not making any sense. I’m spiraling all over again. “But I’m terrified that this is temporary, and I can’t…”

I can’t do this. I can’t wrap myself around him, hide from the world, and forget about the rest. I can’t lose him either. I can’t lose the one thing I’ve always wanted now that I have it.

Someone who actually cares.

Someone who sees me .

When all you’ve known is silence, and everything feels so cold, you attach yourself to any bit of light that comes your way. Neglect doesn’t make you strong; it makes you desperate. Starved children will eat anything you give them, and that’s what I am.

A starving girl.

I just got lucky enough to find him before things took a turn for the worst. I mean, what was I doing, fucking every guy that seemed available?

Olivia was cruel, but her words weren’t entirely wrong. In fact, she was right about me. They all are.

“You’re anxious.” He frowns, noticing the state of me. I must look like a real mess if he can read me this much. “Cass, no matter what comes—”

“We’re staying together, I know that. I believe you.” I push a piece of his hair back, memorizing every inch of him. “I believe you because I love you, Beckett. I love you so much; do you even know what that means?”

He doesn’t.

Beckett is so good. He might be broken, we all are, but he’s not as broken as me. I’m spoiled goods. I’m a problem. I was raped and bullied and cursed at my whole life. I have nothing else to show but these ruined bits.

“Oh.” He gives me a small, almost too weak kind of smile. “You beat me to it.”

I snort, remembering the little girl I once was. She loved him, maybe only just a little, but that was love, too. It’s all love when it concerns him.

I wanted him then, and if life had been a little easier, things would have progressed in a totally different way.

It’d be a lot easier, for starters. It’d be easier love him without restrictions or hesitations.

I’d give myself to him fully, not worrying about the ramifications of wanting to belong to him.

My heart and soul would be his, and only his, and I’d give him my body. I’d—

“I beat you at everything,” I joke, keeping my inner turmoil to myself. “And you don’t even know it.”

And he never will.

I’ll never tell him that I need him to survive. I’ll never put that weight on his shoulders, because there’s nothing worse than to carry the realization that someone’s very breath is depending on you.

Just like Lucia depended on me.

She needed me to wake the fuck up and tell the truth, but I didn’t know the rules of the game I was playing.

It wasn’t that hard, now was it?

Kayla even wants to help me.

Why couldn’t I just do it?

Why did I have to be such a coward about it?

“You’re not beating me at loving more.” Beckett retorts, not missing a beat. It’s a lighthearted kind of confession, and I try to push down the feeling that we’re lying to ourselves, acting like we have all the time in the world. “I’m the only one who does that.”

“You are?” I lean in, chasing another kiss.

“I am.” Beckett’s thumb brushes against my chin. “I’ll always love you more, okay?”

“Even if…” I whisper.

“Even if,” he promises.

“Kiss me, please,” I ask, wanting to tune out all the scary thoughts.

His kiss is slow, not rushed or urgent. I feel his teeth pulling my bottom lip softly, making my stomach flip.

When his fingers grab my hair, merging my body to his, I know nothing will ever feel like this.

No other guy will ever have me like he does.

I could never be another’s, not even if I tried really hard to belong.

I’d always remember that at my worst, no one held me quite like he did, and it wouldn’t be fair to put someone else through all that…

All the craziness, right?

I already feel selfish enough for allowing myself to keep him this close.

It should be enough.

I should be happy.

Why don’t I feel happy?

The kiss ends, and I clutch his shirt like I’m afraid he’ll be another thing to lose.

Someone I’ll grow to miss. A stranger I’ll get to think about sometimes but never call or speak to again.

Terror starts to take over me, but I try to pretend that it isn’t true.

What I’m feeling, as bad as it is, can’t be real.

“I should take the trash out,” I whisper, opening my eyes to see him watching me. “It’s all piled up in the kitchen. Mrs. Pereira will freak out when she comes home.”

Beckett giggles.

He sounds so happy now.

Good.

Maybe I finally managed to trick him, too.

“Okay, you do that. I’ll save you a piece of cake.”

I nod absentmindedly. “Make it a big one.”