Page 134 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

DISCONNECTED FRIENDSHIPS

Cassandra

Nobody embodied the mean girl archetype like Lucia Evans did.

She spent her most pivotal years building that armor, fortifying herself against Le Port in every way she could. And honestly, I can’t blame her for it. But that same role, that same armor, made her deeply vulnerable in ways she probably never saw coming.

Men like Nathaniel will stop at nothing to break girls like her. And girls aren’t easy to like to begin with, but out of anything a girl can choose to be, mean is definitely the least favorable path.

The thing is, mean girls are untouchable, and nobody likes an untouchable woman. Quiet, soft, friendly, agreeable, and forgiving—those are words that sit easier on a young girl’s shoulders. But Lucia Evans was none of those things.

She had the audacity to want to be more , and for that, she was envied.

Admired.

Hated.

Chased.

And no one would admit it, or give her that honesty, because they were waiting for the moment she’d fall.

I wouldn’t call her mean today.

It’s too redundant of a word, and it would feel like cutting at my own skin. Zachariah’s words echo in my mind, making me dizzy. I’d expect this from girls like Lucia, but not from —

Not from me .

I let out a slow breath and settled down the flowers over her tombstone. Pink peonies, because Beckett swears they were her favorite. I hope he’s right. It’s the kind of information I had to pry out of him because he wasn’t willing to give it freely.

I can tell he thinks something’s up. I can also feel the truth catching up to me, no matter how fast I try to run from it. So many questions are being left unanswered, but I don’t know anything other than the fact that I’m way in over my head.

How often did Nathaniel hurt her?

Did he ever try to slap her?

Kick her?

Punch her?

Or did he reserve all those things for me because I was always his favorite?

Did he just make her stare at the ugliness that’s out there, leaving her in the dark for too long, until she started to spiral?

It’s a thing called survivor’s guilt, the Internet says.

I don’t know whether I believe it or not.

“I don’t know how you found out.” I shake my head side to side, thinking about how smart Lucia was. She had such a bright future ahead of her, if only he hadn’t stood in the way of that. “But I’m really sorry you did.”

The breeze shifts, brushing one of the petals away. Nobody in this town will believe me, but she did. And I didn’t even have to ask her for it, for anything, ever. Not really.

How could I ever repay that?

There are no gifts in the world, no sacrifices I can give. She’s gone. I can’t even thank her for her kindness. It’s all wasted. The goodness in her, the thing no one got to see.

Did she try to warn others?

Did they just not listen?

What do I do with her loyalty?

How can I grow to become half as strong as she was?

Lucia was born that way, but she’s dead now.

I’m alive, in spite of not being nearly as courageous.

“Thank you for trying to save me, Lou. I hope you find some peace of mind, wherever you are,” I word vomit and swallow hard, feeling a lump around my throat. “It’s almost over now. I promise I’ll make everything right somehow.”

The sunlight feels softer now, no longer pressing me down, but touching my skin gently instead. The taste of the ocean lingers on my tongue, and for the first time in a while, I think about going for a swim before the sky turns dark.

Today is a good day.

I’m not getting many of those anymore.

***

“Should I tie the balloons together and build an arch or just leave them scattered?” I ask, holding up a pack of blue-colored balloons as I glance at Angelina.

“Do you know how to tie them?” she retorts, her fingers finally loosening their grip around the big wooden spoon.

Angelina’s been wrestling against the batter for ten minutes now, trying to get it as smooth as possible.

I shrug, thinking about watching a tutorial. “It can’t be that hard.”

The three of us, Kayla, Angelina, and I, are busy getting the apartment ready. The boys are supposedly at Silvio’s, distracting Mateo and keeping him away from the surprise.

Mrs. Pereira lives two streets down from Caleb’s cousin’s place, and the neighborhood is louder than what I’m used to. It’s a welcome distraction; right now, I need to be doing something other than thinking.

Things just… Haven’t been good lately.

“I think I don’t want to wear my dress.” Kayla winces, a small frown crossing her face, making her look gloomy. “Cass, do you still have that white skirt that fits me?”

I freeze. “It’s in my closet.”

“Oh. Can you pick it up before tonight? I want to wear it with my white top.”

I hesitate on what to answer.

I haven’t gone home in a while.

College results aren’t out yet, but I have an envelope in my backpack telling me what’s waiting for me in the next few weeks: the jury wants to meet me to discuss my case.

When I asked Antony about it, he told me not to worry too much.

That, of course, only meant that I wasn’t passing.

After that, my dad asked me to come to his office, begging for me to come home so we could figure things out as a family.

I could tell he was losing it. Me not passing wasn’t part of his plans.

You can’t stay at that boy’s house forever, he said.

It wasn’t like I was unaware of it. Still, the words stung.

It’s not like you don’t know where I am, I countered.

“I’m not sleeping at home anymore,” I explain quietly, not ready to reveal more.

Kayla’s frown deepens.“Are you sleeping at Beckett’s?”

I nod, which only leads her to ask the very obvious question.

“Did your parents kick you out?” She lets the hot glue slip from her grasp, momentarily forgetting about putting together the decorations. “Is it because of what happened with Caleb?”

My fingers tighten around the balloon pack. “No, they haven’t kicked me out yet.”

They might if I don’t go back soon.

I don’t think my mother will approve of me living with Beckett, especially at only seventeen.

Kayla presses, “Is it because of Nathaniel? Is he against you dating Beckett?”

“Kayla,” Angelina interjects softly. “We talked about this.”

“No!” Kayla snaps. “Everyone’s sweeping what happened at school under the rug, but I still don’t understand it. Why are you living at his place? I get that you’re in love, but—”

“But what?” I ask, a touch of sadness creeping into my voice. I know what I’m doing isn’t right, but I really don’t want to go back home. “Can’t you just be happy for me?”

“It’s not about that, Cassie,” she replies, shaking her head from side to side.

“I’m happy for you and Beckett. Clearly, he’s crazy about you.

But you two are in your own little bubble together, and you’re barely talking to us about it.

Honestly, I’m a little surprised you didn’t ditch our plans for Mateo’s party. ”

“Well, that’s not fair.” I wet my lips. “I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks.”

My gaze goes to the table, taking in all the supplies we bought earlier from the corner store. The lady even gave us a discount for it. I blink a few times, trying to keep myself calm, and exhale slowly.

The hardest part of this is that I miss Kayla. I want to talk to her. I want to know what’s going on in head and tell her what’s happening in mine. I miss my best friend terribly, but I don’t know how to do this or how to have this conversation.

Kayla’s voice softens, “I’m just scared that you guys are getting too wrapped up in each other. This hasn’t been an easy year on you, and if this relationship goes to shit, well. What happens to you, then?”

Her concern makes me shrink.

It’s a valid thought. If Beckett and I broke up now, I’d be devastated.It sounds too dramatic to be said out loud, but I think losing him would kill me.

“I mean, it’s not like you’ve been with many people before, Cassie. So, I get it. I’m not disapproving or anything. I’m just expressing genuine con—”

“I’ve been with seven different guys,” I blurt out, ripping off the bandage. “I’ve had sex with seven people.”

She freezes momentarily. “What are you talking about?”

I start counting. “After Caleb, there was Zach’s cousin—”

“No, I know about that,” Kayla interrupts, a pained expression crossing her face. What happened at her birthday still stings. I can tell. “But seven? What about the other five?”

I fumble for my phone and unlock it.

Angelina sets the mixing bowl aside and sits close, apprehensively touching my knee.

Before I can decide against it, I scroll through a series of unread messages of random guys trying to spark conversations only to be ignored. I show the screen to Kayla, who reads the texts twice before frowning in confusion.

“I don’t get it.” Her warm brown eyes search for mine. “Do they just text you, and you answer? Do they invite you over? Is that how it works?”

I sit back and watch quietly, uncertain on how to answer her question. Angelina hums in understanding, but Kayla’s face falls as she scrolls from one text to another, finding some of which I admit I responded to.

“Cassie,” she says softly. “Was this before Beckett?”

“I’m not cheating on him,” I insist, clutching my phone back.

“I didn’t think you were.” She sighs, naturally conflicted. “Maria came by the other day, saying things about you. I told her to stop spreading rumors.”

“She wasn’t.” I shake my head. “I mean, it’s all true.”

Every bit of my bad reputation, I fed it.

“How…?” Kayla asks, reaching out to touch my hand. “How did it all happen?”

“I don’t know.” I’m at a loss for words . “Caleb was a bad idea.”

“I know,” she agrees with a wince. “I’m sorry. I sort of pushed you two together.”

“It’s not your fault, Kayla,” I say. “It’s totally on him.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourselves. Cassie, you did the right thing by dumping him in the end,” Angelina argues, always the voice of reason. “And Kayla, Caleb did the same thing to me, except no one found out.”