Page 89 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

THE CROWD ALWAYS KNOWS BEST

Cassandra

First class went as well as I expected it to.

Some kids made jokes about it. The teacher barely acknowledged my presence, which I guess was done on purpose.

They’re trying to squash this for now, not to turn it into another lesson on morale.

I didn’t know how to feel about it while it was happening, and I still don’t know how to feel about it now.

What matters to me the most is how Kayla sticks to me even after I tell her it’s okay to relax. She’s my very own protective shadow, which I’m thankful for, because no one ever dares to go against her without expecting to hear something back.

“Don’t ever let them know you’re scared,” she whispers to me before taking her seat next to Alice. “You might be small in size, but you’re strong and brave.”

“Okay.” I nod.

“Sort of like a Disney princess,” she muses, mostly to herself.

I find myself giggling. It’s good to have friends like Kayla, who aren’t scared to speak up. She is a very good person. I really hope to be able to do the same for her someday, if I ever get the chance to.

The rest of the day drags for so long. I somehow manage to make it through the rest of the morning and start to feel more hopeful about the rest of the day. It really helps that none of the classes I have scheduled force me to be in the same room as Caleb, Maria, or Laura.

My gaze flies to the back of the class, instinctively checking to see if their faces are around, even if I’m sure I won’t find them. Anxiety is making me too jittery and paranoid. I’m sick of always feeling like this.

Forcing myself to push the ugly thoughts away, I notice how Antony’s chair is still empty. Not even his red backpack is lying around.

Where is he?

I turn to Angelina, whispering quietly.

“Where’s Tony?”

“Getting stitches from the nurse. Didn’t you get the texts?

He sent them to our group chat a few minutes ago,” she whispers back.

Her eyes flicker from her nails to me hastily before she adds.

“I can’t believe Toninho of all people keeps getting into fights because of you.

What’s that saying again? About tables turning? ”

“Wait, hold on. No way.” I swallow hard, feeling a twinge of unease. “Is it really because of me?”

“Yes.” Her expression is grim at first, but her eyes soften when she notices how uncomfortable I feel. “Don’t feel bad about it; he’d do the same for me.”

I say with a wince, “Easier said than done, Angie.”

“I know. It’s just that he doesn’t like the way they’re all talking about you, you see.”

“I get that.” I swallow hard. “But I don’t want Antony to keep getting in trouble because of me.”

“I disagree.” Angelina shakes her head, a solemn look on her face. “I’m glad he’s fighting back.”

“You’re glad he’s going to get suspended over nothing?” I frown, feeling so confused about her reaction.

I think I’m programmed to think about the consequences of every action first. It’s what comes naturally to me. These other kids never had to worry.

“So what?” She pouts. “Someone needs to, just like you did for me that one time. The girls really backed off after you told them to.”

My eyes widen. “They did?”

She grins. “Yes! And besides, Cassie, isn’t it kind of cool? You have three boys fighting for your honor now!”

“But that’s not what I was aiming for!” I blush from head to toe, remembering now that Mateo and Beckett are also on my side.

It feels weird to feel this protected, especially considering I never had many friends defending me before. Now, if I send a single text to a group chat, I have an entire group answering me back in a matter of seconds.

Take that, Laura.

You can’t hurt me anymore.

“Lucia would have done the same thing,” Angelina tells me, placing her hand over mine. “God, she would’ve killed anyone who ever touched one of her friends or died trying to.”

I freeze momentarily but try really hard not to let it show.

She keeps going, “They’re so alike, Antony and her. Talking to him is like talking to her sometimes, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know,” I brush it off. “You really think so?”

“Yeah, duh! He cares about you, even though sometimes it comes across a little differently,” Angelina insists, as if hearing my inner thoughts.

“None of us agreed with what happened, but he’s, like, your biggest advocate right now.

Antony is a gentleman, like, deep down. He was the one to look for Beckett that day.

I think Lucia would’ve done the same thing. ”

“Really?”

“Really.” She stops filing her nails, and I flip the page, pretending to read what’s in it. “You’ve got good people in your corner, okay? We won’t leave you alone in this.”

“Okay.” I nod, trying to calm all my nerves down. “What about Maria, though? I still haven’t talked to her, and she’ll definitely kill me for what happened.”

Angelina rolls her eyes then. She seems really annoyed.

“Just stick by me and Kayla, and she won’t ever touch you.” A short snort comes out of her. “She’s so fucking pathetic. Getting so mad at everyone but the ugly boy who won’t come between her legs. Can you believe how desperate she is?”

I nod in agreement but don’t say anything else. After all, I often think the exact same thing about me.

***

And yet, ignoring Maria’s existence is like holding a ticking bomb and expecting it not to explode. She’s constantly at the back of my mind, keeping me on edge.

I still find myself trying to avoid a confrontation. I steer away from Caleb and her that entire week, keeping to myself even as the five of us eat lunch together in the cafeteria, but eventually, it happens.

She finds me.

Or, better yet, I find her before she can .

The bell rings for the last time as I’m walking through the main hall, eager to get to the parking lot where my bicycle is parked. Tomorrow is Friday, and I’m excited for the weekend to come. I want to stay home, do my homework calmly, and maybe watch a movie or two.

Head down, I don’t pay attention to the chatter around me, but oh, how much they talk. I feel their whispers brushing against my skin, and my heart speeds in my chest.

She’s a fucking slut.

Don’t talk to her.

Look at her.

Cassandra Rivera you make me want to come in my pants!

I know they’re saying things about me, things I can’t exactly defend myself from, because I’m guilty of all of it.

“Cassandra?”

I pause, feeling my back straightening.

Hold your ground.

Don’t let her step all over you.

Maria is standing a few steps ahead of me, and when I raise my gaze to face her, I’m met with her hateful glare, her lips pressed tight into a thin line.

She looks like she hasn’t gotten a single bit of sleep over the past few nights, and I find the whole thing ironic. Sleepless nights. Yet another trait we seem to have in common, besides being na?ve enough to fall for the same guy.

“Maria,” I hesitate to speak, knowing that she probably feels about me the same way Laura did. Still, I don’t want a repeat of that. I can’t miss any more school, and I don’t want anyone to be suspended because of me again. “Look, whatever you heard about me—”

And I guess that’s all it takes.

Maria takes a step forward, her arm flying back as her hand rises. It takes me less than a second to understand that she’s going to slap me, and then another second to realize that my knee-jerk reaction of cowering isn’t what’s happening.

Instead, as soon as her palm comes close to my face, I grab her wrist and keep it at a distance.

“I don’t want to fight,” I warn her, forcing her hand back.

“Should’ve thought about that before you texted my boyfriend, you fucking bitch!” She snarls, struggling to free herself.

It’s enough time for someone to intervene. Angelina finds me, Mateo a few steps behind her. They stand by my side, trying to pull her away from me.

“You fucked my boyfriend!”Maria spits.

“Back off, Maria!” Angelina sneers, trying to come in between us. “Let her go!”

“Really, Angelina?” Maria’s brown eyes darken with fury as they flicker towards her. “You know what she did to me! Everybody here knows that you stole him from me!”

“Oh please, Maria!” I snap before I can stop myself from doing so. Mateo pulls me back. “Get over yourself! There was nothing there to steal!”

“Did you have to do this?” her voice cracks, a tear spilling, making her eyeshadow smudge. “Why did you have to go after him?”

“I did you a favor!” I fire back, my fists clenched at my sides.

Angelina’s hand lands on my shoulder, a quiet attempt at shutting me up.

But I don’t stay quiet. The words just… spill.

“ He went after me after you two broke up in October. Don’t you wonder why that is? He doesn’t actually care about you!”

“You’re lying!” she grits out, covering her ears and shaking her head side to side. “I saw the pictures you sent him on the phone! He told me everything!”

“Right. The pictures.” I smile, shaking my head. “And he’s definitely telling you the truth.”

“He came to me, and you didn’t,” she fires back, fixing a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “Because you had something to hide. Acting all sweet and innocent, but I know girls like you, Cassandra. I know what they can do when they see something they can’t have.”

“Okay, enough with the dramatics,” Angelina interrupts, her eyes narrowing. “We’re talking about Caleb Monteiro here.”

“Let her, Angelina. Clearly, she needs this!” I snort, my anger blazing, taking root as I steady my ground.

“The audacity. Cassandra, you’re unbelievable!”

Am I?

Or am I just easy to blame?

Really, what is it about me that makes girls take the other side?

First, Mom.

Then, her.

They never see me. I’m always the one at fault, the eternal provocateur. If this is how I go down, Caleb definitely deserves a point or two for it, just like Nathaniel did.

But try to slap me again, Maria.

And see what I can do.

I’m so angry right now that I might just ruin her relationship just for the sake of it. One text, and Caleb will come crawling right back to me.

“You’re such a slut!” she finally falls apart, and her sobs come out weak. Sadness isn’t what I expected of her. I thought she’d be ready to kill me for it, like physically. “A pathetic little whore. Caleb would never look at a girl like you. He wouldn’t. I know he wouldn’t!”

Slut.

The word washes over me, making my skin feel itchy and tight at the same time. She makes it sound like I reached out and seduced him, made him fall into my bed.

Apparently, that’s what girls like me do. We make it so that they can’t help themselves. He just had to have me, and I just had to let him have it. I couldn’t be stopped from getting fucked. I couldn’t stop them from wanting to fuck me, either.

“But he did,” I answer flatly.

“I hate you!”

She keeps going, her breakdown sending a hush over the crowd. People are more hesitant to join in this time, knowing the police got involved two weeks ago.

“He is mine! Caleb is mine!”

I laugh humorlessly, but it’s still a pathetic sight for both of us. Poor, poor Maria, who’s been nothing less than pretty and cool since getting her braces off in eighth grade, reduced to tears and desperation because she’s so deeply in love with a boy who turned to someone else.

“Perfect!” I croon, crossing my arms over my chest protectively, trying to hide that I’m seconds away from crying too. “Do whatever you want with that. Just don’t be a fucking loser about it and leave me alone!”

Stop.

You’re making it worse.

And yet, I keep going. The stress of the past several weeks starts to crash over me, every thought I’ve been avoiding strangling me. I don’t think I was built to feel anger. Nathaniel beat the ability out of me.

“You don’t deserve him like I do,” Maria cries. “I actually love him.”

“Well, if he liked you so much, we wouldn’t be here to begin with.” I shrug. “Besides, I don’t really want him anymore, Maria. So, go ahead and take him. Try to fuck him right for once.”

I’m so tired.

I’m tired of coming home to a father who won’t look me in the eye.

Tired of all the time spent wondering if I’m making Nathaniel upset over something stupid.

Tired of walking on eggshells all night just to avoid a cup thrown at me.

Tired of all the years watching my mom keep herself locked away or go to church just to act like everything is okay.

I’m tired of myself too.

I don’t know why I keep pretending like that night didn’t happen, and I’m so tired of pretending that I don’t know the truth about Lucia Evans being murdered.

I want it all to stop, but I know it’s not that simple. I’ll just feel tired forever, and there won’t be an end to it. Not until I put an end to it.

“It’s what you want, right? I did it, so…” I continue, my voice growing weaker. She needs someone to blame, and it has to be me. “Go ahead.”

“Cassandra.” Mateo gently pulls me back. “Let’s go.”

I nod weakly, swallowing to keep my throat from closing. Someone reaches out towards Maria, and when I look, I see it’s Caleb.

“Enough.”

He doesn’t even spare me a glance. Only cradles Maria in his arm, soothing her like she’s something delicate. Something that needs to be protected. Protected from girls like me. Even from afar, I can see him apologizing and her nodding along.

What a fucking joke.

As my friends drag me away, I watch them. I watch and memorize everything about this moment because I know I don’t want to be in this position ever again.

The whispers in my head grow louder as I walk away. I don’t even sound like myself anymore.

How many times did I fuck him?

Why did I do it?

I must have known they were perfect together.

Yes, he loves her, so I must have been the one to send the first pictures.

I’m vicious.

I’m a bitch.

No, I’m a slut.

Don’t they know that I’m a whore?

Maybe that’s why I did it.