Page 68 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

FIRST TIMES ARE SO OVERRATED

Cassandra

Caleb’s breath is warm as he whispers into my ear, “You’re actually the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Like he’s just realizing it now.

The party at José’s—some kind of Christmas pre-celebration—is running almost an hour late. Kayla texted me not to come, but I ignored it. I regret it now, but then again, I tend to regret a lot of things these days.

“So fucking needy.”

Caleb’s words often rub me the wrong way. Something about his tone now feels mocking, though I can’t pinpoint what exactly makes me think so.

I don’t know whether I should feel offended or not, but the dress still slips off my shoulders. I watch him toss it aside like it matters very little to him, and I try not to feel upset about spending so much time getting ready earlier just for him not to notice any of it.

“Can we slow down?”

“Sure.”

I end up feeling so naked without it, staring at a blank spot as the fabric slide off the bed and towards the ground, and notdaring to make a single sound.

My tongue is heavy in my mouth as his lips find mine again. His mouth has this lingering taste of cheap beer bought at the corner store, and I wince when our teeth clash.

For what it’s worth, I try, really hard, to get into it. Mainly because this is something I promised I’d do, and now I feel like I owe him a good time for it.

I try to be as present as he is and enjoy it as much as he clearly does. But there’s a pit in my stomach that reminds me what I should really be doing, which is putting an end to this relationship.

Maybe I would have felt differently about it if he’d waited a little more. If I waited a little more. If things were different between us.

He hits a sweet spot, and for what feels like a long second, I almost want to tell him to stay there, but the good sensation is ruined by some bad feeling I can’t put a finger on.

“I love you, Cassie.”

God.

My lips part as I try to say something back. Anything at all would be good. But the butterflies are simply gone, and I’m left as just a body under his.

Except, it’s not just a body. It’s my body under his. My breasts under his chest, my legs around him, my mouth that’s kissing him. The thought, it… blinks me awake for a second.

Make him stop.

It’s just a thought.

A silly thought, really.

Something like a warning, a voice I don’t want to listen to. But I’m here; I’m not away. I’m not slipping in my mind like I’ve read on the Internet. Some girls do, but I don’t, and I’m not panicking either.

I’d recognize panic.

I know I would.

I’m more than fine, and slowly, the dullness starts clouding my thoughts all over again.

“You’re amazing.”

See? I really am.

And on top of that, I notice everything too.

Like, I’m so attuned to his every move, it’s almost ridiculous. I’m preciously keeping every sign of affection in the back of my head like it proves something, all because the voices in my head won’t stop.

They keep whispering words.

See me.

Please, see something in me that the others never will.

“We’re missing the party,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. I don’t know what time it is anymore, or for how long we’ve been here instead of talking to his friends. “Isn’t it a problem?”

I don’t even know how I got here in the first place, if I have to be honest. This was planned, but I don’t remember if I was the one to lead him into my room.

Maybe I was.

Maybe I wanted to have sex then, but I want a little less now.

Is it normal?

I don’t think it is.

I think I should want this.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” He presses his forehead against mine, eyes soft and vulnerable. “I want to stay here with you.”

I try to grab one of the covers, nervously pulling it over my thighs to hide my naked body, but he grabs my hand instead, fingers threading through mine. I stare the way our hands look intertwined together as a bad taste rises to my mouth.

Under him, without my dress, I feel so naked. Caleb touches the sides of my face, forcing me to look at him.

“You’re just nervous.”

“I’m not nervous.” I swallow hard. “I’m scared.”

I want to tell him that I’ve never done this, but it’s not true. It’s not true and it pains me that it isn’t. I hate that it isn’t.

I turn my face to the opposite direction, feeling small under him, not wanting to stare at him. I’m scared his eyes will disappear, replaced by another’s. If I blink, and Nathaniel is on top of me, it’ll kill me.

“I know, but it’s just me, Cassie,” he promises, speaking gently. “You know I won’t hurt you.”

I nod quickly, still thinking that he might.

Caleb kisses the corner of my mouth, then my neck, his tongue lapping over my skin and trailing lower, tracing a path from my collarbones and stopping over the swell of my breast.

His touch makes me feel so out-of-breath, it’s like insanity.Small nails scratching my waist, making me moan his name.

My eyes quickly start to blur. I blink hard, trying to make sense of everything happening around me.

Goosebumps are a good sign, aren’t they?

Like flame-colored butterflies, it’s all beautiful if you look at it in the right way.

So what if he’s almost getting back together with his ex?

So what if I knew this would happen?

So what if I feel empty after this?

So what if it feels like I’m setting myself up?

Because I am setting myself up, aren’t I?

No.

No, I’m not.

I just want to feel something.

I don’t want to hurt myself, I just want to taste the tiniest bit of freedom. There’s nothing wrong with me.

I’m normal.

I’m fine .

I really am.

Caleb stops kissing me for a moment, holding my face closer to his.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” I nod, offering a weak smile to reassure him. “I am.”

“Really?” He notices something in my gaze, and it makes him freeze. “We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“I know.”

Maybe we’re not, but Kayla is right.

I have to break up with Caleb soon.

It makes me feel a little sick, knowing Maria might figure it all out. It’s going to break her heart. She’s been in love since forever, and it’s not fair at all. I know that. I’m breaking girl’s code. I hate girls like me on a normal day.

The homewreckers.

They deserve nothing but the worst.

I know that, too. I just…

It’s only…

How long have we been here?

I really can’t remember.

“Just relax, okay? You want to keep me at a distance, Cassandra? Fine,” he says, but while his mouth speaks comprehension, his fingers are trailing the side of my right leg. “But I want to feel like you want me, too. Is that a bad thing?”

I shake my head, my mind feeling foggy.

“No.” My lips tremble. “It isn’t.”

The clock starts ticking and my legs go dormant.

If I don’t give myself to him now, I’m sure I never will again and I’ll lose him. I have to do this, and I have to do this now.

What if I ask him to stop and he gets angry?

What if I make him feel stupid?

The music gets louder than anything happening between us both, louder than the sounds coming out of his mouth. Louder than myself and my own thoughts, which are scattered and nonsensical.

I realize so clearly, as Caleb pulls my underwear down, that I’m starting to panic. As soon as the thought comes to mind, I start pushing it down, praying to forget all about it.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

I can’t let it matter.

It’s all wrong, wrong, wrong, but I have to do this. I have to see this through. I can’t stop now that he’s already hard, and I can’t tell him no.

He kisses me softly, slowly, pulling my legs apart one at a time, but in my head it all happens so fast.The underwear, the tearing, the rocking back and forth.I genuinely almost miss it when he comes.

One blink, and we’re done.

Surprisingly enough, it doesn’t even hurt as badly as it did with Nathaniel. Sex tonight feels like nothing. Maybe Nathaniel just went in a little too hard.

Caleb finishes off, moaning loudly against my throat, gets off me and puts his socks back on. I watch him fixing them up around his toes, fighting back the urge to gag.

Wordlessly, I struggle to stand, to pick up my dress, to put it back on my body, and to clean up the mascara that’s smudged underneath my eyes. Caleb tries to help me fix my hair, messily combing the strands, smoothing them over.

“Don’t.” I pull away, disgusted with myself.

I don’t want him to touch me anymore.

“Your eyes are so fucked up, Cassandra.” He kisses my forehead, lips trailing down until he finds my mouth again. “Like a lost puppy.”

He kisses me.

Caleb tries to bite me.

I turn my face away from him, hating his touch.

“Stop it.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” I shake my head. “Just stop.”

I’ve had conversations like this before.

Stop it.

What is it?

Nothing.

It’s supposed to be flirty, urging the other person to try and figure you out. You have to play hard to get with boys, especially boys like Caleb. But this isn’t playful banter, not for me.

I’m not feeling like a challenge anymore. I’m tired, exhausted even, and I’m feeling way too goddamn easy.

He kisses my chin, massages my shoulders with his warm sticky hands.

“Do you want me to drive you home? It’s getting late, and Maria might show up because she’s José‘s friend too.”

Then it hits me, right as Caleb drags his thumb across my lips, snorting like I’m a dirty secret he likes to keep around. I blink, almost astonished, seeing right through him. It’s one of these moments that only a girl could ever understand.

Caleb wants me to leave.

No, scratch that.

He needs me to go.

He just really wanted to have sex tonight. And I was there, ready to let it happen.

Convenient.

Available.

Easy .

The truth feels like cold water over my head: Maria and Caleb are dating again.

They’re not going to get back together.

They already are.

I feel it deep in my guts, and I trust that feeling like I’ve never believed in anything else. I know it now, deep within myself, and maybe I always knew.

Maybe I’ve been lying to myself all along.

Like, right now?They’re together together.

She wouldn’t be coming to the party if that wasn’t the case.