Page 57 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

HANG UP, GIVE UP

Cassandra

It happens again.

Nathaniel isn’t home, and our father is at school.

I was supposed to be learning about geopolitics today, but I’m skipping class and calling in sick instead.

After an hour or two of getting ready, overthinking what I’m wearing, how my hair looks, and if I’m wearing enough perfume, I convince Caleb to come over.

Not that it takes much effort at all. With boys like him, I become some kind of smooth talker, ready to say all the right things to keep them hooked.It should be scary to be so good at something so perverse, but I do love the thrill. I love how quiet my mind gets whenever he is around.

Besides, knowing that every step I take with Caleb takes me one step further away from every moment I was forced to spend with Nathaniel gives me nothing but relief.

It’s simple math, really.

If I’m tainted by one, I might as well be tainted by both. I can do whatever the fuck I want to exactly when I want to. What’s the difference, anyway?

Nothing matters anymore.

“I like it.”

I blink, pulled from my own thoughts by the sound of his voice.Caleb points his finger at an old music festival poster I stuck to the wall a couple of years ago. The bright colors are faded now, but I can still make out the face of some kind of local singer holding a microphone.

“Are you a fan of Sandro?” he asks.

“No,” I answer, feeling empty.

And I’m really not. I thought the poster looked kind of cool back then. It had style. I found it the day after Nathaniel came into my bedroom. Lucia was handing them out at the beach.

The girl who’s been dead for months now.

The girl who got—

“Are you really here to see my posters?” I push all the ugly thoughts aside and let out a fake laugh, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the bed. “I thought we were supposed to be doing something else instead.”

“Yeah? What?”

I smile, coy and seductive, kissing the sides of his face and pulling his shirt up. “Something way better than this, at least.”

Caleb smiles, lying on top of me and stealing a pillow to place it underneath my head. “I brought condoms.”

He’s so relentless.

I hate that about him.

“We’re not going to need them yet.” I press my mouth to his. “But good thinking.”

I sneak him out sometime before lunchtime. My lips are swollen. His back is scratched. Caleb kisses me until I can’t breathe before driving off on his bike.

I’m about to spin around and get back in the house, but then I feel it. I feel him. His eyes. Watching me. My head snaps towards the neighboring house, and—

Bingo .

Beckett is pulling the emptied trash bin back up the driveway. It’s Wednesday today, isn’t it? Wednesday is trash day. God. He’s looking at me, gaze unreadable. Almost blue.

He doesn’t even seem to be surprised, almost like he’s known all along that Caleb comes and goes, that I let him do whatever he wants. We weren’t quiet or discreet about any of the things we did together earlier.

Fuck.

“Hi.” I force myself to wave.

“Hey.” He waves back, just as awkward.

Beckett looks good, even from a distance.

Better than the last time we talked.His blonde hair is a little longer, a little wilder, but freshly trimmed at the sides.

The new haircut makes him look older, more mature.

It sharpens the lines of his jaw and his cheekbones.

Like he’s finally done being an awkward, messy kid and growing into a full-grown adult. More like a man.

I wonder if he misses me like I miss him.

Curious and insecure, I search for any form of disapproval in his face, only to feel my stomach tighten when I don’t find any.

Is it indifference?

Does he just… not care at all?

Of course, he doesn’t.

We’re just friends.

“Can you not mention this to anybody?” I dare to ask, shame be damned.

I catch a ghost of a smirk over his lips, like he’s seen through me. I can’t tell whether he finds this amusing or not, but at least Beckett isn’t judging me for dating Caleb. I don’t think I could handle it coming from him.

“Don’t worry about it, Cass.” He shrugs. “It’s none of my business, and you know I won’t.”

“Okay,” I say quietly, stepping forward towards him. “I…”

He freezes momentarily. The moment lasts another second, silence stretching as I struggle to find the right words.

“Yes?”

He stares right at me, and I stand there speechless, feeling too embarrassed at getting caught. Nathaniel doesn’t want me to talk to him, and I shouldn’t want to talk to him either.

God only knows Beckett and I don’t belong together.

Not after what Nathaniel did to—

“Beckett,” I whisper, my tongue too heavy in my mouth.

“Cassandra.” His jaw clenches, like he’s bracing himself not to reach out to me.

I clear my throat. “It’s been a while. You never texted me back.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry for that.” Beckett forces a smile. “How… How are you?”

“Good.”

My head tilts down, my gaze dropping towards my hands, and my heart skips a beat once I notice how my fingers are shaking with anticipation.

A second later, I steal a glance at him, facing forward now, and start to feel a little less embarrassed about it. After all, mine are shaking, but so are his.

“And you?”

His gaze drops, too. “Great.”

I decide to take a chance and look at him again, watching as his features soften the tiniest bit the longer the moment stretches out.

He almost looks like my Beckett. The one I have come to know as a good friend.

It gives me only the slightest bit of hope and gets me to start thinking that maybe I can apologize.

Maybe we can start all over and be friends again.

I go for it, trying to form a real apology in my head, but he’s faster than I am, and everything is still wrong.

“You should go back inside,” Beckett tells me, trying to sound gentle, but his shoulders are tense. His irritation is still showing through sarcasm. “I really don’t want to get you in any more trouble.”

My mind goes completely blank, heart shattering.

“Oh.” I wet my lips. “Okay.”

I miss him. I really do. And I hate how much I want to stay. But I don’t stay. I do exactly as I’m supposed to, swallowing down, going back inside, and closing the door shut behind me.Beckett doesn’t knock on my door.He just lets me go.

At least I tried .

It wasn’t enough, but at least I reached out and gave it my best shot.

If Beckett doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, I can’t force him to.

If this is all we get to have, I’ll do my best to be grateful and cherish the memories we made together.

I know all of this, it all sounds rational and reasonable in my head, but…

It just hurts, that’s all.

My eyes are stinging, and I blink fast as my vision starts to blur. I reach for the wall, desperate to lean against it for more balance. Heartbeat speeding up, I can’t tell whether I just had a simple awkward conversation, or if Nathaniel just threatened to kill me all over again.

The carpet beneath me cushions the sound when my knees hit the ground, and I curve into a fetal position, trying to keep the sobs from coming out of me.

Nobody hears me when I choke or when I fall apart.

Nobody hears anything.