Page 135 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

“Really?” Kayla gasps. “I still feel bad. I know I can’t, like, control everything. I’m not that crazy. But I’m the person who’s supposed to watch Cassandra’s back.”

“But you always do,” I add quietly. “I never, not even for a second, honestly doubted that. I’m the one who should feel sorry about not being there for you.”

She tenses, her eyes darting from Angelina’s face to mine.

“You’re a good friend to me, Cassie,” Kayla lies. I shake my head, knowing her better than I know myself. She hesitates before asking. “Is it because of him?”

Her question stings. “Kayla…”

“No, seriously. I have to ask. Are you secretly mad at me because of him?” She blinks hard, starting to look like she’s about to cry. “I won’t be upset if you are. I totally get it, and even Angelina can attest that.”

“Kayla.” I sit up, crossing my legs together. She does the same, facing me. “It’s not—”

“You know, I’ve spoken about this with Angie a few times because I felt too awful about it,” Kayla admits, sounding torn and vulnerable.

“I don’t think you even noticed it, but when she came back from the hospital, and you two got close, I got a little jealous.

It stopped after a while, of course. But you weren’t being very kind to me. ”

I close my mouth shut, knowing my next words need to be chosen carefully. I don’t want to hurt her feelings even further than I already have.

“There’s just so much I haven’t told you, but I’ve been wanting to for a while. I haven’t been really honest with either of you.”

Her eyes go round with surprise. “Really? Us both? It’s not just… It’s not just me?”

A quiet silence falls among us, but it isn’t uncomfortable. Angelina leans into Kayla, resting her head on her shoulder and clinging to her arm. I quickly glance at our intertwined hands, and my heart aches a little.

No one has stood by me as long as Kayla has.

Why is it so hard to be honest?

Is it because I’m scared of pulling her down, or because I don’t want to feel humiliated once I tell her the whole truth?

“What’s going on, Cassandra?” she asks, sounding hurt. “You can trust us.”

“Yeah,” Angie agrees. “We’re your friends.”

“Things at home haven’t been good,” I reveal it quietly. “I can’t share everything right now because it’s too… it’s too much, and I don’t want today to be all about me, but…”

I shrug, feeling a tear slip out.

“If it weren’t for Beckett, I don’t know what I’d do.” I swallow hard.

Kayla’s expression softens again, though confusion still lingers. “Are you sure it’s not because you’re with him?”

“Beckett wouldn’t hurt her,” Angelina denies it before I can.

I agree with a nod. “And Nathaniel isn’t just really mean to me.” I steal a glance at Kayla before speaking again. “He… he’s too controlling. If I don’t obey, he gets violent.”

“He beats you?” Angelina echoes, slightly in shock. “But what about your parents?”

“They don’t care,” I finally admit the truth out loud, voice trembling.

“It sounds crazy, I know. And maybe you won’t believe me.

It’s one thing to have a weird brother…” and another to have one who rapes you .

“You guys remember back in January, when I missed so much school and flunked the general exams?”

Kayla’s face crumples as she connects the dots. I see her thoughts racing towards all the times I missed school for being sick or the days I wouldn’t pick up the phone.

“Cassie,” she whispers, pulling me into a tight embrace. I feel her shift, her small hands patting my back in soothing motions now. “I’m so sorry. I was so selfish.”

“You couldn’t have known,” I reply, my words muffled against her shirt. “I’m not blaming you for any of it. I could never.”

Kayla pulls back slightly, eyes glistening. “But I should’ve known, right? I should’ve seen the signs.”

As I hold Kayla close, I silently vow that someday, soon enough, I’ll tell her everything. The full truth behind my secrets and the pain I’ve endured.

“It’s not that simple,” Angelina says, her voice a bit wise. I watch her shrink into herself, her brown eyes reflecting a quiet kind of sorrow. “You never really know what’s happening behind closed doors.”

“Right,” I grumble, wiping away my tears.

And yet…

Gone is the girl who teaches me math and slips me apples in the cafeteria.

Gone is the girl who smiled at warmly, and helped me complete my favorite Snow White puzzle back when we were five.

Gone is the girl who defended me when Alice Chartrand stuck gum in my hair, even going as far as helping me trim the unruly strands. The memory feels so oddly distant now, almost too ridiculous to even think about.

Kayla’s gaze drifts back to me for a quiet second, her fingers momentarily clenching at the edges of her face before she pulls her emotions back in and swallows hard.

“I don’t know what to say to fix this,” she admits, starting to rise, unsure on how to proceed now that I’ve explained my side of the story.

She stares at me then, looking helpless and anxious.

“Should we finish getting this ready, or should I… Cassie, I actually really think that we should call my mom.”

Angelina nods in agreement, and my mind starts to drift away from this conversation. “That’s such a good idea!”

A good idea…

What?

“We can talk to her about this,” Kayla adds, mind racing to find a way out so easily. “You can come spend some time with us, right?”

It hits me then: this is the moment where everything changes, and things will never be the same ever again.

There’s no way I’ll come out of this completely unscathed. I can’t just pretend the violence isn’t happening.And, ironically enough, I’d been secretly hoping for it. I’d been hoping, all along, that I would’ve been allowed to stay in that pain, just because it’s utterly, utterly comfortable .

Every step forward seems to invite two steps back, leaving me hanging between fighting to be free or just letting myself go.

My heart shatters for the very last time, splintering into the tiniest pieces.

All of this, every loss, every fracture, hasn’t made me stronger.

It’s simply an inescapable part of who I am, something I can’t hide from people, regardless of how others might react.

I crave love so desperately. I need it like I need air to breathe. It’s not just obsession on, or a pattern. This is a real addiction taking over my body and my soul. And I can’t sacrifice every single chance to feel something real, not now that I know some of it.

I want more.

I want to be more, too.

Keeping secrets helped me survive, but it still didn’t make me stronger either. Instead of strength, I find myself weaker for it. Only, this time it’s a deeper break, a tarnished soul that I can’t clean.

“Right,” I agree, thinking about how to leave the house with all my clothes. Because that’s what I need to do if I want to survive. I have to leave. I won’t be allowed to stay. I am going to lose everything . “Your mom.”

“And she can talk to the cops about it, and the social workers too!” Kayla gives me that pitying look I’d been dreading, and I flinch.

Okay.

This is what I knew would happen.

I’m not surprised.

I’m really not.

“You’ll be okay, Cassandra,” she swears, bringing me into her arms again. “I promise you.”

Empty promises .

Right.

It’s—

It’s whatever.

Some would say this is great, even.