Page 80 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

NEW YEAR, OLD PROBLEMS

Cassandra

The new year starts with Zach’s cousin pinning me against the wall. I focus on that precisely, and not on how our lips feel wrong smacking against each other. The best way to get over a boy? Get under another.

A moment later, he breaks the kiss and asks me if I want to go upstairs. I ask him if the apartment is his, and he tells me that he shares it with a roommate.

I think about it for a second, the alcohol making my brain fuzzy. It’s not like I’m counting or anything, but he’s about to become the second boy I sleep with. Third, actually.

His bedsheets smell like cheap lavender soap, the kind that sells out fast at the grocery store.

I pretend to be paying attention to him, moaning at the right time, asking him to keep going, but my mind stays distant.

All along, I stare at the ceiling above us, wondering why the fuck it doesn’t feel like it should.

It doesn’t hurt; there’s hardly any pain.

Nothing .

Having sex feels like nothing .

After a blink, the moment ends.

Beckett’s voice echoes in my head, saying my name like it’s worth something.

If I were brave enough, I’d be in his arms right now.

I’d tell him the whole truth, and because he’s so understanding, he’d love me in spite of it all.

I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself, but I can’t stop now that I’ve started.

“You’ve done this before, right?” he asks, walking around the room.

I pull the covers over my shoulders, hiding my nakedness underneath. Lying on my side, I tuck my hands underneath my head. I feel so small.

“Yeah.”

“I thought so.”

He doesn’t say much else, but I swear I hear him muttera loud thank god as he disappears towards the bathroom.

My phone buzzes on the floor.I know it’s Nathaniel, or maybe Kayla again, but I don’t want to answer. So, I don’t text back. I don’t even read it.

Sleep evades me sometime after midnight, all the noise coming from outside keeping me from resting. My eyes are stinging with unshed tears. Zach’s cousin stirs behind me but doesn’t wake up.

I swallow hard, hating how silent the room feels, and slip out of bed, putting myself back together as best as I can.

The bathroom light blurs my vision as I slip the pill into my mouth.

We used a condom, but I don’t want to be the girl who ends up pregnant at seventeen.

I can hear Mom’s voice in my head. She tells me to just take the pill, but the taste of it settles like ash as it goes down, exactly like I remember it from that night.

Lifting my gaze to the mirror, I meet my own reflection. Green, desolate eyes are staring back at me. I blink fast, but a few stubborn tears still fall.

A hiccup escapes past my throat.

Something in me starts to shatter with the memory of what Nathaniel reminded me of before I left the house tonight.

Lucia died for this .

She died for nothing .

I blink, walking out of the room. I don’t know where I’m going, but I need to get out of here soon. Downstairs, the house is mostly quiet. Zach lowers the sound of the television as I walk down the stairs.

“Cassandra?” he calls for me, watching me tie my shoes together again. “Is that you?”

I clear my throat. “Yeah?”

“I thought he’d brought in a hooker.”

Zach holds a bowl of Crunch cereal, the yogurt pooling at the edges. While the sight of it makes me feel starved, I can’t ask for food without telling him that I’m hungry. And I can’t just ask for things when he is not the boy I had sex with earlier.

“That’s funny,” I force a laugh. “But no hookers here, just me.”

“Rivera, wait.” He spins his spoon around the bowl, watching me with a frown, like he’s trying to understand something so complicated. “Why are you doing this?”

My hands pause, my left shoelace half-tied into a knot.

“Doing what exactly?”

Fucking another guy.

Being a whore.

“I thought you were spending the night with Kayla.”

Kayla.

My best friend.

The one I left at the party.

I should probably text her back.

Yeah, that sounds like something I should do.

We fought today. I don’t know why. I don’t know why it started. I can’t remember why I got so angry about everything, but I did. And suddenly, Kayla’s face started to piss me off.

Why are you so moody, Cassie?

I wanted to grab her hair and bang her head against the wall repeatedly. I wanted to slap her, kick her, and show her what was done to me. I wanted to scream and shout until she realized that something was wrong.

I couldn’t do any of the above, so I fucked Zach’s cousin instead. I think that’s what happened, but I’m not sure.

It all feels so unlike me.

Didn’t I used to be so nice and good?

She’s my friend.

I actually really love her.

“I was.” I shake my head, smiling without showing teeth. “But I met your cousin at the beach, and he invited me over.”

Zach blinks twice, like he can’t believe I just admitted to doing that without an ounce of shame. But I do feel shame. He just doesn’t need to know about that. He doesn’t need to know anything at all that concerns me.

“That’s not cool of you,” he decides, shoveling another spoonful of cereal into his mouth. My stomach tightens. “I’d expect this from girls like Lucia Evans, but not from—”

“Girls like me?” my voice is sharper than I intend, but I don’t care about sounding like a bitch. I rise quickly, grabbing my purse. “Right.”

Cassandra Rivera and her slutty reputation.

Figures.

I wasn’t pissed before, just mildly annoyed at the situation, but I am definitely pissed now.

Something about the mention of Lucia just feels so off to me.

I don’t want him to speak about her like that.

He doesn’t even know her, not like I do.

Lucia and I will be intertwined forever, whether I like it or not.

Taking a shot at her feels just like aiming at me, too.

“Hey, Zach, do me a favor?” I stop by the door. My heart is pounding so fast in my chest, and I feel like I might puke, but my voice drops, colder than before. “Never speak about Lucia Evans again.”

Especially not around me , I want to add.

He freezes mid-bite, gaze flying from the television screen where Tom is trying to bite Jerry’s head off, right back to me. Something in my tone makes him shrink, his expression shifting to shame.

His shame doesn’t impress me. Zach can choke on it for all I care. People always have a way of acting regretful after you’re gone, pretending to feel bad about treating you like shit, but what about when you’re still breathing? Why aren’t they any kinder then?

“And please don’t give my number to your cousin.” I tuck a strand behind my ear before adding more quietly. “I don’t want to see him again.”

Zach nods quickly, and I step out.

The heat outside makes me wish I’d taken a shower before leaving. I send Kayla a text instead.

Me: im sorry. im at zach’s.

sending you my location now.

Cassandra sends: location address

Kayla: What the fuck

I’ve been looking for you for hours

Do you have any idea of how fucked up this is?

Cassandra I’m worried about you

You’re starting to freak me out

She picks me up down the street, her sister’s car stopping at the curve. I climb into the backseat, and an ugly thought worms its way in. I do really feel like some kind of hooker doing a walk of shame.

“Where the hell were you? Why did you leave?” Kayla’s voice is frantic as I shut the door. “And why didn’t you answer my texts? Olivia and I were so worried about you!”

“I met this guy,” I explain, combing my hair with my fingers. “He seemed nice.”

Her eyes narrow, filled with unshed tears.

“Did you guys have…” I don’t bother with an answer, just shrug. She gasps, “Cassandra!”

The poorly concealed judgment in her tone makes me want to disappear. I can’t handle being ostracized, not by Kayla of all people. Maybe I’m not being the smartest about who I’m having sex with, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have it in the first place.

“Just because you’re not having sex, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t!”

My voice is sharper than I mean it to be, and I regret it instantly. The feeling is squashed by this voice in my head telling me to push it even further, because really, maybe she’s not who I thought she was.

But isn’t she my best friend?

Yes.

No.

I will make sure Kayla hates you.

No one will believe you, Cassandra.

When you end up alone, really alone, you’ll feel what I feel.

You’ll remember everything and crawl back to me.

The thoughts start to get louder, and I feel so utterly confused about what’s real and what’s not because I don’t remember any of it happening.

All I know is that the voice might be right; I can’t assume she’ll side with me just because.

I really don’t know if I can trust her or myself anymore.

If I did, I would’ve felt like telling her the truth, right?

But I don’t.

It must be a sign.

Olivia’s frown deepens as she stares at me through the rearview mirror.

“Did you even know him?” she asks. “This nice guy you fucked. Did you know him?”

“Yes.” I roll my eyes, annoyed. “He’s Zach’s cousin.”

“What’s his name?” Olivia presses, unlocking her phone. “How old is Zach’s cousin?”

And the thing is, I don’t know.

I didn’t ask.

I didn’t even think of asking.

Actually, maybe I did, but I definitely don’t remember his answer now. It was not a thought I tried to keep in mind when I flirted with him back at the party, or when I got into his car, or when we stumbled into his bedroom to have sex.

“I’m calling your father.”

My heart drops. “What?”

“I’m not your mother, and he needs to fucking control you.”

“Please, don’t do this!”

My tone is quick, desperate, like when I get caught by Nathaniel doing something I shouldn’t.

“I won’t do it again, I swear!” I lie, shame coiling in my stomach.

Olivia stares at me, unconvinced. “Just like you didn’t want to do Caleb? Am I getting the story right, Kay?”

Kayla flinches as she sobs. “I came to you for advice, Liv. I didn’t tell you this so you could be a bitch to her.”

“I’m going to be grounded forever!” I cry.

I realize a little too late that my comment is the wrong one to make, because makes my friend circles right back and gets angry at me all over again.

“Grounded? Is this all you fucking care about right now?” Kayla exhales sharply, tears trailing down her face. “What if you got hurt? Cassandra, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I was being impulsive!” I keep going, trying to get them to hear me out. “I swear, I won’t do it again! I don’t know what came over me!”

I know exactly what came over me. I want to do it all over again. I want to be under someone until it feels like it should. Caleb didn’t erase what my brother did to me, and I want to keep trying until Nathaniel is gone from the darkest parts of my brain.

I need it.

I can’t stop it.

Even if it doesn’t feel as good as it should.

Olivia’s voice is firm. “I can’t let you get away with this. What if something bad had happened to you tonight? You were supposed to be under my watch the whole time.”

“Kayla.” I turn to my best friend, pleading. “Please, don’t let her tell my parents. My mom’s going through a lot already; she can’t deal with this right now.”

And it’s totally, completely manipulative of me to be pulling this one on her. I can hear myself, hear my own voice, and it scares me how I don’t sound like the girl I know I am. The girl I know I used to be.

“Cassie…” Kayla hesitates, her eyes softening through all the hurt. She turns to Olivia, hesitating before grabbing her phone. “Listen, Oli—”

“Kayla, no!”

“Don’t do this,” Kayla insists before she looks at me again, forcing a smile. “Nothing happened, right?”

I shake my head profusely.

Too fast.

They don’t need to know.

They can’t know.

“You’re okay?”

“Yes.” I insist.

“You really don’t need us to drive you to the police station? Or maybe the hospital?”

I keep my eyes closed. “No!”

There goes another silent minute before Kayla speaks again. “Oli… Can we just keep this between us?”

“Are you kidding me?”

I blink, now watching my friend try to smooth things over, locking the phone back. “Sister’s honor.”

“Don’t!” Olivia exhales, rubbing her temples before looking at me again. “You can’t do this and be around my sister, okay? And happy-fucking-New-Year, by the way. Your best friend is eighteen now, if that even matters to you, and you ruined her night by acting like a complete bitch!”

“What the fuck?” Kayla gasps. “Don’t say that to her!”

“I’m only telling the truth.” Her sister drags her tongue across her lower lip, turning the car back on again. “You might not want to hear it, but whatever bullshit you’re going through, Cassandra, don’t ever bring us into it again.”

“I’m sorry.” I gasp, knowing she’s right.

I shouldn’t have done what I did tonight.

It was a very stupid, dangerous thing to do.

“If that’s the kind of friend you want to be,” Olivia continues, unwilling to listen. “Then, Kayla and I are done.”

Kayla’s eyes flicker towards me in shock. She shakes her head quickly. “Don’t listen to her, Cassie. She’s just mad.”

“Oh, I am mad!” Olivia laughs bitterly. “I mean, what the fuck even happened tonight? Who are you?” She doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t even blink. Her words slam into me, shaking me awake. “My god! Picking just any guy in the streets, like you can’t get enough of it?”

It’s a sharp, slow cut that drags from my throat and sinks straight into my heart. My gaze flies from Kayla to her, then to the ground, the shape of my hands blurring as a sob chokes out of me.

“I’m sorry,” I cry quietly, but the words don’t feel like enough. Feeling guilty and out of my mind, I steal a glance at my best friend again. “I’m so sorry, Kayla.”

Her face falls, and I flinch as her delicate features harden with confusion and hurt. She says nothing in response.

“You know I didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah, Cassie.” Kayla sighs. “That’s the problem.”

I keep on sobbing, not knowing what else to do with myself, waiting for her to at least acknowledge what I’ve said.

I just desperately need to know we’ll be okay no matter what.

I can distance myself from Kayla, but I can’t lose her.

Not completely. She’s the one person I still care about, even if I’m not exactly the best at showing it.

Her lips part once, twice, but no words come out. Kayla shakes her head and looks away from me, facing the road. My apologies have no effect whatsoever.