Page 56 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

WHY DON'T YOU TRY DOING SOMETHING STUPID?

Cassandra

Sainte Madeleine is a school full of secrets. Of course, normally you only learn about the most interesting ones if you’ve been around long enough, but if you talk to the right person and ask the right questions, a whole new world opens up to you.

I sneak into the gymnasium and cut through the court until I find the back door past the east benches.

It’s usually kept wide open. The lock was broken during my first year at Sainte Madeleine, when some of the older kids decided to pull a prank on our then soon-to-retire soccer coach.

Dad always says he’ll fix it, but he never does.

There’s an abandoned parking lot right behind it.

Nobody drives through it anymore; it’s not easily connected to any of our main streets, but Caleb is doing it for me today.

I find him sitting in his cousin’s black Citroen, windows down, allowing me to hear the melody of Dominican music playing on the radio.

“Hey, baby.”

He opens the door, wind blowing his black hair back, and steps out just in time to catch me in his arms. Caleb spins me around so fast, and a giggle bubbles out of me. I feel good today. This feels nice.

“Stop, you’re making me dizzy!”

He grins but lets me go, and my feet hit the ground again as the scent of his cologne fills my nose.

I pull his chin down so I can kiss him real good, my fingers twisting the cotton fabric of his uniform.

His hands press against the sides of my face, and a smirk stretches across his lips. We kiss again and again.I feel dizzy.

“I missed you today,” I admit, trying to sound casual about it. I don’t want to be too desperate about needing to see him all the time. Boys don’t like clingy girls. “Where were you?”

“I skipped. José needed help with something. That’s why I have his car.”

His lips brush against mine, and my head tilts up on instinct, chasing after him every single time. Caleb just smiles.

“José‘s your cousin, right? The one who dropped me off that one time?” I push a strand of hair behind my ear. “And the one with the bleached hair?”

“That’s the one.” Caleb kisses me again, pulling my lower lip between his teeth before sucking my tongue into his mouth. He sits in the driver’s seat and invites me in. I drop my backpack over the passenger seat and lean closer, sitting on his lap. “Precisely.”

Caleb is a really good kisser when he wants to be. The problem being, he usually doesn’t. When we’re making out, he tends to go too fast. It’s too urgent. Kissing, grabbing, pressing my hips down against his.

“Slow down,” I whisper, pulling my head back. But I move too fast, and the side of my head hits the rearview mirror. Pain pricks my scalp, where my hair clips press against my skin, making me wince.

“Shit!” he pauses, reaching to touch the back of my head in soothing motions. “Did that hurt?”

“What do you think?” I snap, closing my eyes shut.

“Let me back the seat up.” Caleb kisses my cheek. I sense the car shift forward. “Here we go. Now you won’t hurt yourself trying to kiss me.”

I press my hands against his chest, feeling embarrassed. “Just let me breathe for a second.”

“Okay.”

The sun is coming down, bright orange light spilling across his tan skin. I breathe deeply, playing with the zipper of my sweater, trying to ignore the way he unbuttons his pants.

“What did you do today?”

I blink, feeling a bit caught off guard.

Not because it isn’t nice of Caleb to ask, but because he never does. He never, ever, tries to keep conversation going.

Caleb is a kisser, not a listener, which is precisely why, instead of waiting for my answer, he pulls me in again.

His lips are now against my neck, and his hands are traveling underneath my shirt.

I feel his palms pressing my underwear.My toes immediately curl inside my Converse.

It’s a reaction I can’t control. It’s hard to keep up with which ones are good or bad.

I feel like I am always fighting for breath, like he is strangling it out of me one kiss at a time.

“I…” I trail off as he tries to unclip my bra. I touch his wrist, intertwining our fingers together, a silent reminder to get him to slow down. “Alice and Angelina keep arguing in Lit. It’s distracting.”

“Angelina?” His eyebrows shoot up with surprise.

“Yeah.”

He chuckles, “God, she’s just a psycho!”

“I mean, she just lost Lucia,” I remind him, keeping my tone flat. “And we’re reading Shakespeare. She has a lot to be upset about.”

“Right.” Caleb snorts. “Alice seriously needs to get fucked, though. It’ll take the feistiness off her.”

I grimace. “You’re so fucking gross sometimes.”

“I’m just telling the truth.” He sighs before touching my chin, silencing me. “You know she can be a bit of a bitch sometimes, that’s all.”

I roll my eyes, but Caleb presses his lips against mine again.

A short, sweet kiss.

“Yeah, well. Remember that day Angelina caught us kissing at the library?”

“What about it?” he asks.

“She only had bad things to say about you.”

Caleb echoes, sounding surprised, “About me?”

“A-ham.” I kiss the corner of his lips, feeling his hand trace upwards, aiming towards my bra again. “She said you weren’t serious about me. Was she right?”

“She’s just mad I wouldn’t date her,” Caleb explains, biting his lower lip.

I blink, taking the information in. “What do you mean?”

“Two years ago she asked me out, but I was with Maria back then.” Caleb drops my hands and averts his gaze towards the empty parking lot. “Clearly, she doesn’t know how to handle rejection all that well.”

“Oh.” I think about it, trying to decide if the story is even believable.

“She’s just trying to mess with you. It’s the fastest way to mess with me,” he adds, sounding annoyed about it. “I swear, she just keeps throwing herself at me for no reason, even though I’m not interested.”

I hum in understanding, but something about it irks me a little.

“I think I get the picture.”

Caleb must sense my discomfort, because he pulls my skirt until my black shorts are showing underneath.

“Let’s stop thinking about her.” He smiles at me. “And start thinking about us instead.”

We go back to kissing. It’s fast and heated, and soon, he starts to press his hips against mine, looking for friction.

“You’re my fucking wet dream,” his words are hushed, labored. “I need you.”

I press my tongue against his, a warm sensation spreading from my legs until it reaches my toes. I roll my hips down on instinct, a quiet moan breaking the silence again.

It takes me a second to register that it’s a sound that’s coming from me, from my mouth. Once I do, it makes me shudder, goosebumps breaking all over my arms and legs. I break our kiss and stop moving.

“Did I hurt you again?”

“No.”

I shift uncomfortably, feeling the small bulge of his jeans against my core. It should be driving me insane, making me feel good about myself, but all I feel is disgust.

Caleb dives in to kiss me, but I pull back.

“Wait a second,” I ask, trying to make sense of everything.

The other day, Caleb talked me into sending a few naked pictures of myself. I considered not doing it, but he promised not to show them to anybody else. I liked doing that. I liked how he reacted to me.

I want more. I want this. Sex. I want to have sex with him. I think it could be a good thing. I’ve never had it with anybody else before, and it’s long overdue. Even if it’s not good, it’ll be a way to forget about everything that happened that night, for starters.

“Cassandra?”

I exhale, “Yes?”

“Are we ever going to fuck?”

That’s the thing with boys, I’m figuring out. Angelina was right. They’re not very patient. You see, you give them a nail, but what they really want is the finger. So, you give them the finger, but they promptly grab the hand. Soon enough, you’re without an arm.

“We’ve only been seeing each other for, like, a month.”

Barely.

If I count down the days, it’s probably a little less than that.

Caleb has never taken me out on a real date.

We still don’t see each other much outside of school.

He has yet to properly introduce me to any of his friends.

I’m always just Cassandra, or just some friend he knows.

And sure, I wanted to keep things quiet, but this doesn’t feel like just quiet anymore. It feels like a dirty secret.

“But you like me, don’t you?” He presses a kiss against the corner of my mouth. “I’ll make it good for you,” he promises, hands coming down and pausing around my waist. “You won’t regret it.”

“I know I won’t,” I go along with it, not actually feeling certain. “I’m just not ready.”

Caleb stills, then sighs, rolling his eyes at me, “Okay. Whatever.”

I feel the loud disappointment in his tone rolling off of him in waves. My chest immediately tightens. I press my mouth against his again to compensate. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s just…” he trails off. “Am I the problem? Do I make you feel some type of way?”

“Caleb.” I shake my head, intertwining our fingers together. “Why would you think that?”

“I’m trying to be patient, Cassie. But I just like you a lot, and I… Can we just do something fun?”

He wants me.

Caleb actually wants me.

Unlike Beckett, who just sees me as a what again?

We’re friends, Cassandra.

“What if…” I bite my lip, softly touching the sides of his face. “What if I…”

What if I tell him the truth? I could. But then, what happens next?

I’m going to be perceived as this jaded, broken girl. The one who had sex too soon, just with the wrong person.I can’t let him see me, not when I’m fun Cassie.Fun Cassie, who skips class sometimes and kisses him senseless, and sends him dirty naked pictures.

I’ve built this image of myself that I intend to keep, even if it makes me a bigger liar than I already am. It’s better for him to know me like this than to let him glance at what’s underneath.

The decision comes to me quickly.I move without thinking, pulling my hair back and raising my skirt up to my waist.

“What… What are you doing?” Caleb asks, but I ignore him and close the car door shut.

Then, I lower myself, kneeling on the floor of the driver’s seat. My knees press into grains of sand and dust. I give them a quick glance, hoping that I will be able to last long enough.

“Cassie?”

I pull his zipper down, freeing him of any restrictions. Caleb finally catches up to speed, his lips parting into a groan. He grabs my hair back, holding the strands up in a ponytail.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” I smile weakly, nervous about what’s coming next. “Let me do this for you. I’ll make you feel good.”

I know this will work. It will fix things.

Caleb will feel good about me again, and I just want to forget everything.Pepé’s toys are left untouched, no matter how much he barks calling for me throughout the day.Beckett not texting me back. Nathaniel being an obsessive lunatic.

Besides, it’s just a blow job.I might even like it in the end.

“I don’t know…” Caleb hesitates. “Really?”

And I picture it for a second. If I were with Beckett right now, things would be different.

He’d see me on my knees, and—God, he’d offer me a hand and help me stand up.

I see it.The curve of his smile, the kindness in his eyes.

The words he’d use to offer to walk me back to my bicycle, how he’d tell me to get home safe.

Beckett Evans wouldn’t ask for anything.

I know he wouldn’t.

It’s a perfect picture that fades as Caleb touches my lips with his thumb, almost pinching the fullness of them. I make a small noise in the back of my throat. I can’t tell if it’s a sound of pleasure or hurt.Somehow it feels like both. I feel so wounded.

“Try to breathe through your nose, okay?” he tells me as he pushes his pants down. “It’ll help.”

I exhale sharply, feeling my head start to spin.

The next twenty minutes become some kind of ugly blur.

By the time I get home, sweaty, teary, and tired, it’s already dark outside.

I’m too nauseous to even speak, and each step I take towards the bathroom has me gagging, the bitter taste he left on my mouth making me sick.

I lock myself in my bathroom, push my finger down my throat, and force myself to throw up.