Page 16 of As the Rain Falls (Sainte Madeleine #1)

He takes the Tupperware with all the raw chicken breast inside and hurls it at me.

I don’t have the time to dodge it. It hits the left side of my face.

The bottom part is made out of glass, thick and heavy, and when it falls down, the glass splits and shatters everywhere.

All the food spills on the floor, the smell of garlic and black pepper overwhelming my senses, burning my nose.

“Don’t do that!” I cry, staring at the mess. “Don’t do that, Nathaniel! What are we going to eat?”

“What are we going to eat?” my brother mocks my tone. He sounds so rude, so cruel. “Stupid fucking cunt!”

He steps forward, raising his arm again and stepping on the chicken.

I drop to my knees to pick the pieces of glass off the ground, my hands shaking as I do so.

I’m not even that scared, just nervous and overwhelmed.

I hate when he does this, when he gets in these moods.

My brother used to be less violent before our father sent him away. Now, he is just plain destructive.

“We don’t have anything else, Nathaniel!” my voice cracks, and tears stream down my face.“It’s all wasted now, when I had already seasoned it! We just had to get it in a casserole or something. Why did you do this?”

Nathaniel grabs my hair and yanks me up, fingers twisting around the nape.

My scalp burns.

Everything burns.

We lock eyes, and mine widen when I notice the state of his pupils, completely blown wide.

“Are you high right now?” I ask. “Nathaniel, you were driving!”

“When you do shit like this, you know, like lying to me.” He pauses his frantic speech to clean up his nose. “It really makes me want to kill you, Cassandra. You have no fucking idea, do you?”

I turn to hide my face, bracing myself for whatever comes next, so he won’t hurt me again.

“Stop!”

“Who is he?” He shakes me, and the back of my head hits the wall. “Who is the guy you’re talking to?”

“There is no guy!”

“What the fuck is going on here?” Dad’s voice cuts through our yelling match. He drops the suitcase in the parlor and slams the front door shut, turning the key. “I could hear you from outside, brawling like children.”

“She dropped the chicken!” Nathaniel lets me go, shoving me away. I nearly trip on my own two feet. “What are we supposed to eat now?”

Dad looks at me, confused. I wipe my tears, feeling nothing but shame.

“That’s not…” I stare at the floor, knowing he won’t believe me either. “I got distracted, Dad. I didn’t mean to!”

“Come here.” He holds out his hand towards me, trying to move away from my brother and towards him.

I hug myself again and shake my head, telling him no. The sides of my face and the back of my head are now throbbing with pain.

“Stay back, there’s glass everywhere,” I cry harder, and the sobs come out of me in choked-up bits that I can’t control.

“I’m not barefoot,” Dad insists. “Its fine.”

Desperate to clean things up, I turn to Nathaniel again.

“What are you staring at me for?” my brother curses.

“Can I go get the broom?” I ask, not knowing what else to do. “I can help clean this up. I can fix everything—”

“For fuck’s sake. Just take my hand, Cassandra,” Dad’s voice hardens, not leaving room for any discussion.

I hesitate but end up doing it, turning my back to Nathaniel. My father pulls me into a hug, but it’s not exactly comforting. It’s more meant to keep me away from my brother.

His touch unsettles me just as much as Nathaniel’s does. I smell cigarettes all over his open-collar shirt, and it makes me want to throw up. I swallow back bile. Now is not the time.

“What the fuck are you doing to her?” My father asks, addressing Nathan. “Why is she shaking like that?”

I breathe harshly, starting to panic, “Don’t yell at him!”

My brother rolls his eyes, throwing his hands up in the air. “Oh please, she wasn’t doing any homework. Your daughter was whoring around, talking to boys, like she always does. Ask her!”

“I was… I was not!” I yell, louder this time, annoyed that this is even being brought up again.

It happened once . A long time ago, at that. Nathaniel caught me talking to some boy on the phone, and he made my life miserable for months afterwards.

“Why can’t you believe me? I just told you that I was talking to Kayla!”

“Because I know girls like you!” Nathaniel gestures towards me, pointing out how I’m dressed.

My pajamas are thin, but the weather gets pretty warm late at night, and my room gets too hot. I can’t stand to wear anything heavier than this.Nathaniel knows.He knows, and it’s precisely what makes everything worse.

He twists it into something ugly, like I am this easy girl who is just tempting him at every twist and turn. Because no matter what I do or don’t do, nothing will change the fact that his eyes linger.

It’s been three years, and they still linger.

If I try to look back, it’s hard to remember a time when they didn’t.

“That’s enough, Nathaniel.” Dad presses his hand over my head, and I shake in his arms. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

But Nathaniel doesn’t stop. He can’t stop.

He has to make everything worse every single time.

It’s our punishment for what happened, for the things he did to me and the things we did together.

And I can’t stop him; no matter what kind of pull I seem to have is not enough.

It’s never enough. I’m not enough to tame the ugliness inside of him.

I’ll never make him feel good enough, not unless I—

“She’s going to turn out to be a fucking mess. Just watch and see it happen. And you’re just letting her do whatever the fuck she wants, all because she’s clearly your favorite!”

Dad cuts him off, “Enough!”

But my brother keeps going.

“But I can’t do anything, right? Because she’s your protégé, but I’m the big bad guy for pointing out that soon enough your daughter is going to be passed around like a fucking blunt. I mean, just look at her!”

“Oh, Jesus. Stop yelling in my fucking ear, boy!” My father pushes me to the side and walks up to Nathaniel, giving him a loud slap in the face.I place my hand over my mouth to avoid letting out a gasp, watching him raise his arm to do it again.

The room starts to spin.

Why can’t they stop?

I just want to make us dinner.

I just want to go back to earlier today and think ahead.

“Stop!” I sob, taking a step forward towards them. “Stop fighting!”

“Shut up!” my father roars at me, and I shut down.

In fact, I feel every bit inside of me shut down too.The room gets darker as my vision starts to swing, anxiety taking over me. I gasp for air, but nobody sees it. They’re too caught up with arguing about me to help me.I grip my chest and ribcage protectively, counting the wild beats of my heart.

Shots are fired.

Nathaniel throws some more accusations my way, but I can’t say anything. I can’t defend myself. I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified.

“Now, if I can get a little bit of peace and quiet, we can order something. Or you two can move your lazy asses and go buy us some fucking tacos at Silvio’s, or whatever.”

My father pauses, his gaze landing on me next. Whatever he sees in me pisses him off once and for all.

“Why are you still crying, Cassandra? Stop crying!” his voice rises. “Why don’t you stop crying all the fucking time?”

I drop my gaze, feeling embarrassed about my reaction. Because I can’t control myself either. I can’t make myself stop.

“That’s enough, okay? Your mother babies you way too fucking much.” My father yanks off his suit and tosses it on the counter.He starts to move around the kitchen, moving the broken pieces of glass with his foot.I stare at him, watching him scowl at the mess. “Argh, look at this!”

Nathaniel crosses his arms over his chest as he looks at Dad. I wince, almost feeling guilty for him. Actually, I feel bad for both of us. I keep failing this family. I keep failing them because I exist, making things harder than they should be.

Swallowing down the knot in my throat, I try to think of what to do to fix this.

“We can order in,” I suggest, now addressing my brother. “Like Dad asked us to.”

“I—I don’t know how to place the order,” my brother admits, sounding almost ashamed of his incompetence. “Can’t you do it?”

“I…” I trail off, chewing my lip nervously. Silvio’s is my favorite spot, and I always order in when I can. I even know the menu by heart. “I have the printed menu somewhere in my room.”

Dad nods at that. His green eyes, which are so much like my own, soften momentarily. He studies me, noticing my pathetic state. I think he can tell that I want a way out of this mess.

“Go upstairs, Cassandra.”

I take a step towards him, feeling weak in the knees. “I’m really sorry.”

“Just go, please!”

I nod quickly and climb up the stairs, stepping lightly so as to not make any sound. When I reach the second floor, I stop by my bedroom door and listen, waiting to hear what they’re saying to each other now that I’m supposed to be away.

“This temper you have, Nathaniel.”

“Dad, I was just trying to help you.”

Dad ignores him. “I’m telling you right now, it’s a problem.”

“Gee, I wonder where I got it from,” Nathaniel talks back, which is about the worst thing he can do. “What’s that saying again? The apple never falls too far from the tree . ”

Dad smacks him one more time, the sound of a loud slap cracking through the air.

I bring my hands to my chest, feeling the way my heart is palpitating with distress.

I don’t like it when he beats one of us, especially Nathaniel.

My brother doesn’t like to show it, but it hits him hard.

Besides, it only means that I’ll have to pay for it later, when our father is no longer around.

“You are a fucking disgrace!”

“She’s the one who did this!” my brother snaps, his voice raw and hurt. “She keeps fucking… pushing me by never doing as she’s told!”