Page 9 of Bluebird

Philipp

The music stops and Nika and I fall into each other's arms, completely thrilled. That was absolutely amazing. I found the song by chance a few days ago and sent it to Nika. We immediately agreed that we had to try it out. It's really rare that the first attempt is so damn perfect.

Still hugging and still laughing, we turn to the door and.... Oh fuck!

Shit. Out of reflex, I turn around to run in the other direction, only to realize after two steps this is complete bullshit because my bag is next to the door. Where Adrien is standing. Fuck.

"Hey! How long have you been standing there?" Nika addresses the words to her boyfriend, but Adrien answers.

"We came in just after you started." His voice is raspy and he doesn't look at Nika as he speaks. He is looking at me, searching my gaze.

Oh my God, what does he think of me now? I'm not really a feminine man, at least that's not how I see myself. But dancing, Ballet or Modern in particular, has… that air around it… Men don't do that. Not real men, especially not straight men.

I'm not straight, so this shoe fits for me, but I just don't know if it bothers Adrien, if he finds it as repulsive as my ex did.

"ARE YOU A CHICK NOW OR WHAT? YOU SPEND THE WHOLE SATURDAY AWAY FOR THAT GIRL SHIT AND WE DON'T SEE EACH OTHER? NOBODY WANTS TO SEE MEN LIKE THIS! BE A MAN AND NOT A PUSSY!"

And those were his words about HipHop. After that, I no longer dared to even look at my dancing tights...

"How did you like it?" Thank God Nika can speak. I'm completely lost right now.

"That was absolutely insane. I...uhh" Adrien's cheeks flame up red and he turns away quickly.

"We couldn't look away, that’s what he wants to say! That was awesome! Your first run-through for the song?" Nika nods in affirmation as she takes big gulps from her water bottle. I'm still standing rooted to the spot, staring at Adrien. Hardly embarrassing or anything. Why can’t I be at least a bit cool?

But he is no different. His gaze holds me captive. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't look away. Adrien has seen me dancing. Not HipHop, what everyone likes, but Modern, what I like.

"DANCING IS GAY."

But Adrien liked it. He said so himself. He meant it that way, didn't he? Maybe he is...

"Are you coming?" Nika snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Where to?"

"We're going out for a bite to eat, wherever you like."

Adrien looks at me expectantly. I had actually planned to spend my Friday evening alone on the sofa. "I would be happy if – we would be happy if you came with us."

***

Half an hour later, we're sitting in my favorite pizza place. It’s actually really nice. We talk about normal things. Our majors, the next gigs, the menu.

"How old were you when you started dancing?" The question comes out of nowhere for me and I choke violently on a piece of pepperoni. The coughing won't stop, and the spiciness brings tears to my eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... you don't have to answer if that was too private, I just... I thought you guys were awesome together and I was wondering how long you have been practicing to be that good."

My coughing fit slowly subsides and I take a big gulp of water to calm myself down. Adrien's gray eyes are watching me, not disparagingly if I'm reading it right, more... worried?

"Are you alright?" Yes, he is worried about me. But why?

Suddenly, I feel wetness under my fingertip. Shit! Luckily, I'm wearing a black t-shirt, but it's too short. I tug nervously at the hem of my sleeve. I hope no one sees it. That's exactly why I always wear long-sleeved shirts when I'm out with people, so this doesn't happen. But I'm here now, it wasn't planned, and this is what I get for it.

I try to lick the blood off my fingers as quickly and as inconspicuously as possible. I have a hoody with me, and I pull it on. Adrien is still looking at me, questioningly, attentively, openly.

"IN PUBLIC, SERIOUSLY? CAN YOU SINK ANY LOWER? HOW EMBARRASSING ARE YOU? I'M NEVER TAKING YOU OUT AGAIN! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THE GUY IS LOOKING AT YOU LIKE THAT? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT YOU DO. DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK HE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN YOU IF HE SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING? DON'T MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF!"

I turn away. Adrien mustn't know, must never see me like this. No one can know. But what does that mean for me?

"YOU WILL BE ALONE WITHOUT ME. FOREVER. NO ONE WILL EVER TOUCH YOU. NOT IF THEY SEE WHAT YOU DO. NO ONE BUT ME!"

"But I don't want you anymore!" I want to scream back. His voice in my head so insistent and loud that it paralyzes me. Something touches my wrist, soft and warm, and yet I flinch.

"Shit, again. I didn't mean to scare you. You didn't respond to my question... I'm sorry, okay?" Adrien's voice is calm, approachable, I can't hear any indifference, any malice. He's nice, still, even though I've been completely out of my head all evening.

My head is so loud, but I don't want to listen to him anymore. I want to listen to Adrien, I want that, for me. Even though I may never have more than that.

"I’m fine, everything's fine. I just have a lot on my mind. What did you ask?"

"I asked you if you’d like to tell me how you got into dancing and how you met Nika."

"You want to know about dancing?" Is he serious? Or is this some kind of ploy to make fun of me?

"Absolutely! That was absolutely amazing what you two did there. I've never seen anything like it. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn there was something going on between you! It felt so real!"

élias suddenly laughs. "He was even a little bit jealous."

"Of me?" The question is out faster than I want it to be. Thank you, voice, now you're working, fantastic.

But élias just laughs even louder and shakes his head. "No, of Nika!"

Help, I'm completely out of control, my head is spinning, and my eyes are fixed on Adrien’s. He just shrugs his shoulders apologetically and smiles sheepishly.

"You're... are you... you're gay?"

Adrien's expression changes and for a very short moment I'm afraid that I've said something wrong. Admittedly, it was bold, but my mouth was quicker than my brain. I've been asking myself that question all week, it needed to get out.

I brace myself for a harsh reply, but it doesn't come. A veil of uncertainty settles over Adrien's eyes, and he swallows hard. Twice. I have no idea what Nika and élias are doing. Right now, it's just Adrien and me in the room.

His anxious nod triggers a wave of feelings in me that had been hiding in the dark for so long. My stomach tingles, a shiver of excitement runs down my spine and everything turns. "Cool...uh...me too, you know?"