Page 43 of Bluebird

Philipp

I am happy. Adrien and I have morphed into this new version of us so easily over the last three days. Nothing has really changed except for how we’re labeling our relationship. And that changed everything. We're together now and that gives me a security that I didn't know I needed so badly. He knows everything about me and he's still here. Okay, almost everything.

"NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR ARMS, LET ALONE TOUCH THEM!"

Maybe I'll manage to let my arms heal until they don’t look so bad anymore. And until then, I’ll wear a t-shirt.

***

Even before this vacation, I knew what it felt like to be touched by Adrien. His little everyday caresses that he uses over and over again to show me how he feels about me. They were so foreign to me at the beginning, but now I enjoy them so much.

A few small touches aside, I didn't know what it feels like to touch Adrien. The fear of doing something wrong and of the possible consequences was too overbearing. With this new sense of security, I discover a side of myself that I haven't known before. I’m curious... and brave.

I want to know how Adrien feels, I want to know how his muscles tense when my fingertips glide over his skin. I want to touch his tattoos, every millimeter of them. I'm still so unsure, but when I feel him lean into my every touch like it's the most beautiful feeling in the world to him, I want to do it again and again.

We're lying on the beach. Adrien on his stomach, shirtless, his back visible to everyone. I think he's asleep. His breathing is calm and even. All his tattoos are in shades of black and gray, including the large one on his back. It is a geometric motif, mirrored on an axis along his spine. Various patterns fill individual areas. It’s intricate and detailed, a mixture of straight lines and angles and sweeps and curves.

I catch my right index finger following a line from Adrien's lower lumbar spine to his ribcage. A shiver runs down his spine and I can’t stop my smile. That was me. Again. This time on the other side, and a deep, pleasurable grumble makes his upper body vibrate.

"You can put sunscreen on me if you want. It’s in my backpack." Putting cream on, okay, I can handle that.

I kneel down next to Adrien, squeeze the lotion into my hand and rub it warm. Then I place my hands on his shoulder blades. In the far back of my mind, I hear his voice, but I refuse to listen. No matter what he says, he's not right. He's not right. I'm not alone without him. I have a great man, I have Adrien. I'm not alone. He's not right.

With a little pressure I massage the sun lotion into Adrien's skin. It is soft and even. So different from mine. If he has moles, I can't see them because of his tattoos. Adrien purrs under me like a kitten, okay more like a tomcat, a big tomcat. Deep and dark, but you can hear with every sound how much he is enjoying the massage. When the lotion is absorbed, Adrien straightens up. "Now you."

I feel my eyes widen in shock, but Adrien holds my gaze and doesn't withdraw his offer.

"No." I shake my head more vehemently than I actually want to. "I'm wearing the t-shirt anyway."

"Then we'll take off the t-shirt."

"NOW HE'S GOT YOU! YOU'LL NEVER GET OUT OF THIS! THAT'S IT! I SAID IT ALL THE TIME, BUT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE ME! YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMETHING BETTER, HUH! BYE BYE, BOYFRIEND!"

"I can't, I can't take it off. I can't. I... you..." Two strong arms encircle my comparatively slender body, holding me tightly. Adrien gently kisses my temple, then I hear his voice in my ear.

"We've known each other for almost ten months, if you think I haven't noticed in that time that you have a thing with your arms, you're pretty wrong."

Tears squeeze out of my clenched eyes. No, I can't do that. I can't. My arms are repulsive. I am repulsive. No one can love me like this. I can't even stand myself.

"Look at me, Philipp, please." I open my eyes carefully, his gaze firmly on me. "I'm not pushing you, you don't have to do it. Not for me. But I want you to know that to me, you're the most beautiful and attractive man I've ever seen and no matter what you're hiding under your t-shirt, that's not going to change."

"BLAH BLAH BLAH! IF HE KNEW WHAT TO EXPECT, HE WOULDN'T TALK LIKE THAT! BUT HONESTLY, HE'S GONE EITHER WAY, NO MATTER WHEN HE SEES IT! LET'S NOT KID OURSELVES, YOU CAN'T HIDE IT FOREVER! IT'S BETTER TO DO IT NOW, SO YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF ALL THE UNNECESSARY HEARTACHE!"

My ex has a point, I hate admitting that. "What if you do? What if you... what if you find it disgusting?" My gaze sinks into my lap. I can't look him in the eye.

"Not going to happen."

"What makes you so sure?"

Adrien's voice is calm and determined as he answers. "Because it belongs to you. To your story, in whatever form it takes."

I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking scared of Adrien's reaction. Mind you, I'll always be scared shitless and I know I can't hide my arms forever. But maybe for two or three months until they don't look so bad anymore.

"Come with me." Adrien lets go of me and stands up. My body immediately misses his, the way he presses close to me and gives me support. "Come." He holds out his hand invitingly and I let him pull me up. "Do you have anything in your pockets? Phone, keys, anything that can't get wet?" I shake my head. I don't even have pockets.

Then everything happens very quickly. I scream so loudly in shock that it feels like the whole beach turns around to look at me. Nika and élias on the blanket next to us raise their heads briefly and watch as Adrien swings me over his shoulder as if I were as light as a feather and runs with me towards the ocean.

"If I drop you off now, will you stay with me?" After all, he's out of breath. So much so that he huffs and puffs between every word and I find it far too funny considering the overall situation.

"What if I run away?" That was my voice and that was my mouth moving. Oh my God... What the fuck? Where did that come from?

"Is that what you want?"

I lean forward and kiss Adrien gently on the back. Over and over again. That seems to be enough for him, because suddenly I'm in the water up to my belly button.

"Ah, shit, that's cold!" Now he has something to laugh about.

"Come on, a little further, up to your shoulders."

"What are you up to?"

"If you take off your t-shirt now, nobody can see anything. If you want, you can show me, if not, you can put your t-shirt back on when we get out of the water." Maybe Adrien could guess something through the surface of the water. But the full extent would definitely not be as clear as without the water.

When I don't answer, Adrien grabs the hem of my t-shirt. "May I? You can say no. You can always say no. But nothing will happen to you. You're safe with me."