Page 14 of Bluebird

Philipp

Shit, I have to get out of here. I try to pull my beanie lower down my face, but there's just not enough fabric. My curls bounce uncontrollably onto my forehead. Shit, shit, shit.

I didn't really want to leave the house on Christmas Eve, but my mother forgot to buy beef stock and she can't make gravy without it. And to be honest, I had nothing better to do and so I offered to make the quick trip to the supermarket. If I had known that was going to happen, I would have sent my sister.

Now I'm standing here trying to somehow hide behind a shelf of cleaning products while my ex is putting his shopping on the conveyor belt at the checkout. I was actually standing at the checkout right next to his, but then fled in a flash.

That may be childish, but the realization doesn't hurt my ego. Just the thought of having to say hello to my ex sends a cold shiver down my spine. We haven't seen each other or spoken for almost a year now. Not since I broke up with him on the phone.

Not that I've missed him or anything, hell no, but being so close to him again feels strange. He's feels like a stranger to me and when I look at him I can't find anything that I consider as even remotely attractive.

When I'm alone, or even worse with Adrien, I hear his voice in my head all the time. Now he's standing in front of me and everything is quiet. But I know what he did to me, what he made of me. I will never forget it and I will never forgive him.

My hands are shaking. I probably wouldn't even have noticed if the two glasses hadn't almost slipped out of my hand. Fear rolls over me. What will he do when he sees me? Will he try to be overly friendly? Or will he be hurt? Or aggressive and angry?

Everything is possible, I'm not prepared for anything and I know that the thought alone of reacting to anything adequately is absolutely ridiculous.

When he's finally through the checkout and heading for the exit, my knees give way. I've never sat on the floor so quickly.

I should be embarrassed, but it's no use. I take three deep breaths and get up again, pay for my stuff and walk to my parents' car. I look around with every step, but he is no longer there. Relieved, I let myself fall into the driver's seat. My first impulse is to call Nika. I don't know why, I used to do everything on my own. But apparently I'm not alone anymore, at least I don't feel like I am.

I start the car and dial Nika's number at the same time. My cell phone automatically connects to the hands-free system and after two rings I hear Nika's voice from my speakers. "Hello, nice to hear from you! What's up?"

"Uh... I... do you have a minute? To talk?"

"Yeah, sure, always for you. Is everything all right?" Her voice sounds worried.

"I... I just ran into my ex while grocery shopping..."

"Since you haven't really told me anything about your ex and your relationship yet, I can only guess what that means. What happened?"

Grateful that Nika doesn't probe any further, I take a deep breath before answering. "Nothing, he didn’t see me. But he's here! How am I supposed to leave the house again over Christmas break? No matter where I go, I could bump into him literally everywhere.”

"And that would be bad?"

"Nika... he can't see me. Ever again. I have no idea what he'll do, but this town is too small for the both of us, I can't avoid him here. I actually thought I had to leave here when I go to university, but then he transferred and as far as I know he hasn't been home since. I should have known that he would at least come home for Christmas. I'm so stupid." Annoyed and a little desperate, I bang my hand on the steering wheel.

There's silence on the line for a moment and I start to think Nika somehow got kicked off the line. "Okay, we'll find a solution, I promise. It's not that small here. After all, we have been successful in not crossing paths for 19 years."

"Because we didn't know we existed. We just didn't recognize each other!"

"Don't be so logical. We're not getting anywhere like this." Nika is interrupted by her vibrating cell phone. "Ah, perfect! Very cool! Can you endure another three days?" The woman makes no sense at all. We still have almost two weeks of break left. "Yes or no?"

"I don't know. But we'll be with my grandparents over the holidays anyway, so yes, I think. Why?"

"I have a solution to your problem. I'm driving up to visit élias in Rennes on December 27th and you're coming with me."

"Excuse me?"

"Did you really not understand me or can you just not believe what I said?"

"The second?" Is she being serious? There's no way I'm doing that. "But that's your time there. With élias's parents. They don't know me. And I don't even really speak French. They'll have to be considerate of me the whole time when they're speaking."

"They have to do the same with me. My French isn't just bad, it's non-existent. Besides, we won't really be alone anyway. élias took Adrien to his parents' house for Christmas."

"Why?" The question is out so quickly, I feel like biting my tongue off. It's simply none of my business.

"You can ask him that yourself. You wouldn't want me to tell him the reasons for your escape either." Nika is right. I wouldn't be thrilled. Not at all. "Don't think too much about it, Philipp. Pack your bag, I'll pick you up on the 27th at half past five in the morning. It's a long drive and if I get tired, maybe we can take turns."

***

It's just before four o'clock in the afternoon when we finally arrive at élias' parents' house. Shortly after Paris, we swapped and I drove until shortly before Rennes. Nika took the wheel again for the last few kilometers because she knows the way.

I'm relieved and nervous at the same time. Relieved because I know that the issue with my ex has now been resolved for the time being. Nervous because Adrien is here and Nika told me in the car that we have to share a bedroom. I haven't slept in a room with anyone since my ex, but it's Adrien, I can manage that. At least that's what I'm determined to do.

We are just getting out of the car when the front door opens and élias runs towards my best friend, beaming with joy. He picks her up by the waist and spins her around in a circle before giving her a passionate and determined kiss. I have to smile, the two of them are really cute together and sometimes like two little children.

Distracted as I am, I don't even notice Adrien coming to my side of the car. I flinch in surprise as he stands right in front of me. How can someone look so outrageously good?

"What a surprise. Nice to see you here." He scratches the back of his neck, embarrassed. I'm so flustered that I can't react at all. He carefully places a gentle kiss on my cheek, then holds out his hand to me.

I have no idea what that means, no idea what will happen, but we've held hands before. It was nice and casual and if I'm honest with myself, I want to do it again, even if it makes me terribly nervous.