Page 51 of Bluebird

Adrien

I have no idea what Nika said, but I've never seen her like this before. She's funny and open with her close friends, she's impulsive and sometimes has really crazy ideas when she feels safe. Nobody can say their opinion to your face as dryly as Nika. But she never – absolutely never – is confrontational. I understand that she's protecting Philipp and I guess her words hit the mark, because they guy – Philipp's ex? – opens his eyes wide and then throws up both hands in defense. Then he turns around and disappears into the crowd.

I gently push Philipp away from me, take his face in my hands and kiss him. With a relieved sigh, he leans into my touch and into my lips. "That was my ex," Philipp whispers, my mouth still on his.

"What a fucking asshole!" Nika switched back to English, as she always does when élias or I are around. "I can't believe you were together for over three years." Philipp lowers his head in shame. "And have you even looked at him? He doesn't even look good! You're at least ten times prettier than him!"

I can agree with that, even if I find this comment coming from her... funny. Nika too is ten times prettier than élias and yet she loves him more than anything and they make a great couple. But I also agree with her that Philipp's taste in men must be shit if he had a crush on this guy. I shake my head at the thought. There are more important things to think about right now. Philipp, for example, who gets smaller and smaller in my arms after Nika's words.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I gently nudge his head with my nose. "Hey, talk to me."

"I know he's an asshole and I know that what he did to me was more than wrong and yet I have nothing to say to him. When he talks, I feel so small."

I gently kiss Philipp's hair.

"Don't talk so badly about yourself, you were fantastic. You didn't let him get to you. You stood up for yourself and for your decisions. That was huge." Nika, who has heard the whole conversation, puts a hand on his back, but I don't get the feeling she's having the desired effect.

"Do you want to watch the rest of the band, or do you need some peace and quiet in the foyer?"

"Foyer." I can hear in his voice that he's still fighting back tears. It's thin, no more than a whisper, and if I didn't have my head against his, I probably wouldn't even have heard his reply.

"Come on then." I carefully push my way out of the large exhibition hall with him in my arms. "What do you need?"

"Hold me tight. Never let go of me again. Please." I have to laugh, this is by far the easiest task. After a few minutes, Philipp clears his throat against my chest, but doesn't look at me. He wants to say something, but doesn't really know how to get it out yet. If this asshole made Philipp so insecure in ten minutes and took away this little bit of self-confidence he's just built up again, then I'll track him down and make his life hell.

"Why did you fall in love with me?" The trembling in his voice betrays his uncertainty and nervousness, even though Philipp tries to make his voice sound strong and neutral.

A huge grin comes to my face all by itself when I think about this first time I saw him on stage.

"You're taking quite a long time to think about it..."

My grin grows even bigger, because it's still there, the demanding, playful side that I love so much about him. "I’m enjoying my memories." He carefully turns his head towards me so that our eyes meet.

"Tell me about it! Please."

"I was at that competition with élias, and you danced and all of you were good, but I only saw you. I just couldn't look away. The way you moved your body, so smoothly, so precisely. Like a cat. So in synch with Nika. My God, I wished I could have been in her place at that moment. No matter where I tried to look, my eyes always found their way back to you. You pulled me in like a magnet. I was completely powerless. I still am."

Two mossy-green eyes look at me shyly. "You are?”

"Yes. And when I faced you for the first time... I just stuttered around, I couldn't get a straight sentence out and I was sure you thought I was the biggest idiot in the world. But everything about you drove me so fucking crazy. I wanted to reach into your curls and hold you. I wanted to touch every single one of your freckles and kiss them. I looked into your eyes and knew it was you for me. And I was one hundred percent sure you were straight. That sucked."

Philipp lowers his head with a smile. "That's what I thought too, that I didn't stand a chance anyway. I... I was sure that someone like you wouldn't even look at me, let alone love me." Helpless and with tears in his eyes, he shrugs his shoulders. "But you do love me, right?"

His gaze is pleading and filled with fear and I regret once again that I don't speak German. What the hell did that asshole say to make him question himself like that again? His face in my hands, I rest my forehead against his. "I love you, Philipp. And not just since I told you, but for much, much longer. I know it took you time to really be close to a man again without falling into old patterns and I'm glad we took our time, but it was hard. Not knowing if the man I love could ever love me back, the fear that at some point along the way you might realize that I'm not the one you want after all. But something inside me knew that we’d make it, that I'm strong enough for the both of us when you can't be. That I have to hold on to us when you're still too weak. We're standing here and every moment with you by my side is still a small miracle for me. I'm holding on to you and nobody and nothing will ever change that. When the thoughts in your head feel so heavy that you can no longer carry them alone, then we'll carry them together. I love you and I will always love you, especially when you can't yourself."

"Philipp, there you are! Quick, we have to get backstage! The award ceremony is about to start!" Joshua pulls Philipp along with him and he just manages to throw me a kiss with his hand before he disappears into the crowd. I make my way back to the exhibition hall, hoping fervently that élias is still in our spot and that I don't have to search for him. Luckily he is very tall and there are almost only girls around him. So I can see him from afar. "Hey... Nika told me what happened. Is Philipp okay?" élias's look is serious and worried.

I shake my head, hoping that we are strong enough to get through this encounter without another breakdown. Philipp has come so far in the last year. Today it was a shock to see his ex, but in two months' time we can laugh about how pathetic he actually behaved. Deep in his heart, Philipp knows who he is and what he wants again and he is strong enough to fight for it. "No, he's not okay right now, but he will be."