Page 30 of Bluebird
Adrien
"Do you want to come in for a moment or would you prefer to leave straight away?" Philipp chews nervously on his lower lip.
"When you're ready, I think I'd like to head out. I don't know exactly the parking situation there, but I suspect it will be quite packed throughout the day."
"I'm ready, I just have to kick Nika out. Nika?!"
What’s Nika doing here at this time in the morning? Did she spent the night here? An irrational pang of jealousy runs through me and the very next moment I could slap myself for it. Nika loves élias, there's no doubt about it, and Philipp is gay. But witnessing the ease with which she first slaps him on the ass and then hugs him tightly to say goodbye... I'd love to be in her shoes.
Instead, Philipp and I stand awkwardly opposite each other and neither of us really knows what to do. It's always like this and we both know that this tension will ease the longer we're together and the more often we see each other, the easier it gets. But that doesn't make this moment any better.
"Um... okay, I think we can go." Philipp snaps me out of my thoughts and I can barely get a straight word out. Fantastic.
"What? Yes, definitely!"
***
We've been sitting in the car for twenty minutes and Philipp next to me is getting more and more excited. If you don’t know him, you probably wouldn't even notice, but he can’t hide his little signs from me anymore. He's so easy to read when you're willing to give him time and look closely. Philipp's eyes are everywhere, he takes in everything, every detail. They light up and a little smile plays around his lips.
"It's so beautiful here. I love the Black Forest. The thought alone, I might have had to leave..." Lost in thought, he shakes his head.
"Why did you think you have to leave?"
"My ex..." I stay quiet, hoping he'll tell me more. "He changed universities after the break-up, it felt like he was gone from one day to the next... and I was happy. I couldn't leave because of school. And ... I was afraid the whole time that I would bump into him... by chance. Just like at Christmas. I was absolutely convinced that I had to leave to really get away from him..."
Philipp only ever lets out snippets, but the relationship must have been difficult. And that's the nice way of putting it.
***
"Ah, I've always wanted to come here!" He looks around, beaming. His face so lively with an open laugh and his countless freckles. "Come on, let's go!" He tugs impatiently on my arm. It is still rare that he is so relaxed and impulsive.
"You don't want to take the backpacks with you?"
"Oh shit, yes! Oh my God, I have another surprise for you!"
"It's so crazy, imagine there used to be trees everywhere and now there's nothing left." We walk along the wooden planks of the Lothar Trail. 25 years ago, a severe storm hit southern Germany and the Black Forest was hit particularly hard. The trees toppled like matchsticks and Lothar cut a swathe through the dense forest landscape. Just like here, but instead of being reforested, nature has the upper hand. The Lothar Trail is a path laid out through this area, which has now been regenerating itself for over two decades.
"Do you want to hike the small trail or stay on the big one?"
I know that Philipp is drawn to the little path that leads into the forest, but I don't make this decision for him. If I've learned anything about this man who is so reserved over the last few weeks, it's that he's actually not reserved, but he's afraid to say what he wants. But that's not how it works with me. "You choose."
"Are you sure?" Philipp still needs assurance when I leave a decision to him, but now there's a flash of confidence in his eyes and that feels like a big step.
"Definitely."
"This way then!"
"Ah, it's so cool here! So lucky we had so much rain yesterday!"
"Yes, otherwise you might be able to walk the path normally and wouldn’t have to jump from stone to stone to avoid getting your feet wet," I laugh.
"Or to avoid sinking ankle-deep in mud!" Philipp also laughs and takes a big leap. He loves nature, he loves being outside.
I can absolutely understand and see why he doesn't want to leave his home. He is free here. At least as free as he can be at the moment. That's why we've always been outdoors so far. Except once, when it poured down and we were in a museum. That was difficult, but maybe that was on me.
"Are you coming? What's wrong?" I'm still facing the big puddle and I should jump. "I'm sorry, we should have stayed on the big path, I..." With a big leap, I land right in front of him and Philipp lowers his head. I grab his face with both hands and he leans slightly into my touch. I can't help but smile, because this is new. His first reaction is no longer to go into shock when I touch him. At least not always.
"No, this path is really fun. I was just lost in thought for a moment. I'm sorry."
"Yeah?" These beautiful eyes look at me and the green glows even more intensely here in the forest, surrounded by moss and leaves.
"Yes." I press a quick kiss to his forehead, take his hand and pull him along.
"Oh no, that’s it!" We are both very surprised when we stumble out of the forest and see the parking lot. "What are we going to do now? We still have so much time..." Philipp's question is cautious but expectant.
"How about we take the planked trail a little further and see where we end up?"
His face brightens considerably at my suggestion. "That's great!"
It soon becomes clear that this trail is a maze, and after three crossroads Philipp and I are completely lost.
"Oh, that’s nice! Come over here quickly!" The last fork in the way led me to a dead end. At the end of it is a small clearing and two curved wooden loungers stand opposite each other. "Shall we take a break here?"
"Okay." Philipp relaxes on one of the loungers and puts his feet up. "Oh my God, they're so comfortable! You have to try, they're heavenly!"
First I have to get our snacks out of my backpack, but then I lean back and yes, Philipp wasn't exaggerating.
The snack thing has become a bit of a habit since the Floodplain Wilderness Trail. Philipp is much more creative than I am. His baking skills are legendary, whether sweet or salty, and being spoiled by him like that is absolutely heavenly. Today I brought baguette with mini salami, cheese cubes, olives, grapes, cocktail tomatoes and nuts. Not quite as spectacular as home-baked, but Philipp enjoys the variety.
For a few minutes, we try to find a good position for us and the food, but the uneven surface of the loungers and sitting opposite each other are terribly impractical. And we are so far apart.
"That's not working. Can I move over to you?" The first emotion in Philipp's eyes is panic, but he nods and makes room for me. When our arms touch, he flinches pulling his shoulders up and his head in, becoming stiff as a board. This reaction is nothing new, it’s what usually happens, no matter how fleeting our physical contact is. That's why it was so special earlier.
I take an olive à l’andalouse and hold it in front of Philipp's mouth. They are a bit spicy from the pimentos and the rosemary and Philipp loves them. They're not so easy to find in Germany, but luckily we have great supermarkets in Strasbourg.
"Why is it so difficult for you to allow physical contact?" Shock crosses Philipp's face. "We've known each other for over five months now, it's always been an issue. I don't have a problem with it being like this, I just want to understand that I'm not doing anything you can't deal with. I don't want to cross any boundaries."