Page 1 of Bluebird
Philipp
After the break-up with my ex-boyfriend, I was one hundred percent sure I had to leave my home and move away. I couldn't stay in the same town as him, especially a small town like ours.
But he left – changed his major for the summer semester and was gone. I don't know where he went, and I don't care. But it was a relief. I had still a few months of school left to finish my A-Levels-Degree so I was stuck and now I can stay. The question is, why should I? My family aside, I don't have anyone left here, he took care of that. No friends, no hobbies. Nothing.
But this is my home. I like being outdoors, hiking or on my mountain bike. I love the view from the first hills of the Black Forest over the vines and the Rhine plain to the Vosges mountains. On a clear day, you can see Strasbourg Cathedral, and, in the fall, the Vosges Mountains are so close, it feels like you could reach out and touch them. I can breathe here, and I don't want to leave.
My parents have a house with a granny apartment in the basement. I moved in there three years ago when my ex thought my parents were spying on us and listening in on us having sex. That caused a big fuss with my little sister, but as I'm the older one, there wasn’t much she could do. My older brother is studying in Karlsruhe, so he didn't care. I'm happy now, because as much as I love my parents, I also love the peace and quiet I have in my own space.
***
I have no idea how I managed it, but my grades were good enough for me to get accepted at the University of Education Freiburg. I've always wanted to be a teacher at secondary school level, concentrating on Math and English, and I'm delighted that is going to happen now. My English is already very good, but maybe I'll go abroad for a semester or two. It’s all up to me.
I’ve steered my life back onto a path that I chose, that I like, that has perspective. Something I didn't dare to hope for a year ago. Only one thing is still missing. And I miss that fiercely.
Dancing.
Of course, I could go back to my old crew. But they weren’t very happy that I left, and with how I left. I get why though. I need a fresh start. We have one other mixed crew in town, the others are girl groups. I could go there for practice, but I want more.
This other mixed crew is really good. They are very popular in the scene around here, and they dance in a lot of competitions, most of them successfully. Their style is HipHop-based and it's incredibly difficult to get in. They have a balanced number of boys and girls, as they do a lot of partner elements. That’s what makes them different from so many other crews, and if you ask me, that’s ultimately the key to their success.
I have no idea if I have a chance of getting in, if I'm good enough, if they even need a man right now. But I think I want to give it a try. The website says you should just come to practice on Fridays at 7pm, without registering.
Three Fridays later, I've made it. I’m standing in front of the door and trying to push myself a little harder to actually open it.
What if I make a total idiot of myself? I haven't danced for over two years. Well, okay, I still danced, but not to choreography. I have no idea if I can even keep up with memorizing new routines that quickly.
Just as I'm about to turn around and leave again, I bump into a girl.
"Oh shit! Sorry! I thought you were going inside! I didn't mean to run you over!"
She is tall and slim with toned legs in black dancing tights and a firm, flat stomach that flashes out from under a short, loose top. A typical dancer's body, she’s definitely no newbie in this business.
"Uh... no problem, I could have looked before I just turned around, sorry." I must be flaming red. Now that's a great start. "I... I changed my mind... "
The girl raises her eyebrows questioningly, challenging but soft, not annoyed. "Why are you so nervous? There's no reason for that. We haven't eaten someone alive in a long time. The worst we’ll do is laugh at you a little…”
When she sees my shocked look, she starts to laugh. "That was a joke. Just breathe. We're a relaxed bunch. You dance?"
I nod hesitantly.
"And you're looking for a crew? Is that why you're here?"
"I thought... but that's a stupid idea. I'm just leaving, okay?" There’s no chance I can keep up with them, I've seen videos online. They are insane. Fast and precise. Super synchronized.
"WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THIS STUPID IDEA THAT YOU COULD DO THAT? YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? GET OUT OF HERE AND DON'T STEAL THEIR TIME WITH YOUR WORTHLESS JUMPING AROUND. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU ON STAGE ANYWAY!"
His voice takes over my mind again. My ex’s voice.
"Have I intimidated you? Shit, I didn't mean to. Oh my God, I'm a mess, and I thought I was having a good day today and handled this super nicely and professionally." She slaps her forehead with the flat of her hand. "Okay, re-start. I'm Nika, I'd like to say I'm really nice, but that would be a lie. I don't really talk to anyone and certainly not to people I don't know. You can thank my anxiety disorder for that. I don't understand what I'm doing here with you this moment. I'll be quiet now. Can you just come in with me, please? If you leave now, I'll blame myself all evening and I'll have a headache, and I don't need that right now."
Nika rolls her eyes and shakes her head as if she’s shaking something off. I can’t help but laugh. I don't think she's doing it on purpose, but she's super funny.
"Okay... I can't do that to you, I guess."
"Thank you! Finally, someone who understands me here!" Nika opens the door, and I follow her. I couldn't say no now, could I? And she's nice, in her own way.
"Do you have to change?"
"Nah, just my shoes."
"Perfect, then just follow me and we'll go straight to the studio."
Like most dance studios, this one is a large room with a mirrored front. A few guys and girls are already standing in one corner. A few light stretching exercises here, a little warm-up for hands or feet there, everyone knows what they're doing. Some of the dancers are chatting with each other.
Nika walks purposefully to the group and waves after me. "That's... Ah shit, I didn't ask you your name."
"Because you didn't care?" One of the other boys quips and laughs.
"Ah... got me! But look, I told you, we're all nice." She says in my direction, completely unimpressed.
"Yes, everyone except Nika. But if you weren't put off by her, you're already doing well!" Everyone laughs and Nika playfully sticks out her tongue at them.
"What's your name?"
"Philipp."
"And you dance?"
Okay, here we go. I just have to answer honestly. It'll be fine. "Uh... yeah, I danced, but I've been out for a little over two years now. I just don't think I'm good enough for you guys."
A tall young man with beautiful dark skin and dark brown eyes looks me up and down. "You stand quite well. You definitely have tension in that body. I want to see you. Marius will be here for the last time next week, we could do with a man and if you get on with Nika, all the better. She would be your partner. You know what we're doing, right?"
"Yes, I know, I've seen some of your videos. The partner elements are cool and absolutely unique in the scene. Especially in this difficulty range."
"You know your way around dancing?" He raises his eyebrows questioningly.
"A little..." I blush, because that's a lie. When it comes to dancing technique, I know a lot about it. I have a classical dance education and danced ballet for nine years. But nobody needs to know that.
"Cool, I'm Joshua, I run the crew. I'd say 85% of the choreographies are mine, but I'm always open to new ideas and suggestions. That's the remaining 15%. Just join in and we'll see how you can keep up. It's best to stand with Nika. She's not particularly people-friendly..."
"Fuck you!" She shouts from the other end of the room, and everyone laughs.
"...as I said, but she's a fantastic dancer." I believe that straight away, you can see it in the way she walks, she owns the room during warms up. If I could dance with her, it would be amazing.
The warm-up goes well, I'm not worried about stretching. I've spent the last two years making sure to stay flexible. I also love the pain when the stretch kicks in and I push my body just a little bit further. Holding the pain until it is no longer pain but pure euphoria rushing through my veins like a drug. In the beginning I thought pain wasn't addictive, but I was wrong. I’m searching for it again and again, but I find it less and less often because I am already so flexible. I have other ways though.
As we get started, Joshua shows us new parts of the choreography to practice them separately. In the end, we put them together and combine them with the choreo. It's so much fun. I was a little rough around the edges, but I don’t think I entirely sucked.
"Now with your partners! Nika, is it okay for you to dance with Philipp? I want to see if you're a good fit."
"Yeah, sure, give me two minutes with him outside, please."
"Two minutes from now!"
I am confused.
"Come with me." Nika grabs my wrist and pulls me outside with a firm grip. "You must never do that. That's the only rule: don't touch my wrists! We don't know each other; I have a thing with being touched. But we'll manage, you just have to keep going, even if I flinch or huff or something. It gets better with time, but never the wrists."
Okay, whatever's her story, I feel like I can relate. At the moment, I can't imagine what it feels like to be touched by a man again either. But that's the difference, Nika isn't a man, so I'm not worried about her. I'm a man and if her... reason was inflicted by a man, then I'm a potential trigger. "I can manage that. But can I use your hands?"
"Yes, and sometimes we have elements that we can't do any differently than by holding my wrists, for safety reasons, but we have to see how that works when it happens."
I briefly toy with the idea of whether I would have preferred an easier partner for the start, but somehow Nika puts me at ease. Maybe because she isn’t easy at all.
Nika and I are not only compatible, we are amazing together. I've never clicked with a partner as well as I do with her. She 's incredibly good, Joshua didn’t exaggerate. But the really exciting thing about her is that when she is dancing, she suddenly gets a playful side. While the choreography is set, we still have a little room to play with expression and execution as dancers and she uses it all.
After two hours, we're all sweaty but happy... and I'm nervous. I really want to come back, but I have no idea if it was enough.
"Before you say anything, I want Philipp. I have to dance with him, and I want to keep him." Nika's voice is firm and assertive and doesn't allow for any discussion. But I can see the others nodding in agreement.
"Separating the two of you would be the stupidest thing a coach could do, don't worry, Nika. Philipp, you heard it, if you’re up for it, we'd be more than happy to welcome you!"
I can hardly believe it; a huge weight falls off me that I didn't even know was there before. I'm going to dance again.