Page 5 of Bluebird

Philipp

I have no idea who decided on this seating arrangement, but I'm more than happy. We drive for half an hour, and I don't know if I could've managed to sit in the back seat with élias's buddy for thirty minutes.

Adrien... even his name is hot and that French accent. Fuuuck. I never expected someone like him to be my type, but when I saw him for the first time, in the audience while I was dancing... I almost forgot my next steps. He's tall, just a little shorter than élias, with dark short hair, tattoos and two piercings on his lower lip. Two small rings, one on each side. And his eyes... ahh, his eyes.

I always thought Nika had the most beautiful eyes, but Adrien's eyes are even more special. I've never seen such a color. Gray, like the sky on a rainy day. But when his pupils contract, they become lighter and lighter towards the inside, almost white.

I don’t even know if he’s into men, but that doesn't matter. Because no matter how much I might like him, I’d never approach him anyway. When I'm alone, I imagine what it would be like to have a boyfriend who really loves me. Who respects me, talks to me at eye level, touches me gently. In my head, everything seems so simple, but when a man stands in front of me, like for real, I'm paralyzed. Even if I knew what to say, I couldn't get a word out of my mouth, nothing. I was never allowed to say anything with him. My ex.

"NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR OPINION. JUST STAY OUT OF IT. WHO DO YOU THINK IS INTERESTED IN YOU?"

An elbow pokes me in the side, and I wince. I quickly take my headphones out.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you alright?" élias looks at me worriedly. I don’t know what I did to peak his attention, but I nod quickly while my heart is racing. It’s always like that. Everything startles me.

"Seriously, is everything okay?" Nika asks from the driver's seat speaking German, so élias and Adrien don't understand.

"Yeah, I was just kind of lost in thought and I didn't expect to be touched. I'm fine."

Nika knows that I'm a bit... sensitive when it comes to… men. Not why and what happened, but that being touched is an issue for me. Just as it is for her. She takes care of me.

***

"So, where should we go?"

I'm not so keen on the crowded bars in the city. "Can we go to that pub on the eastside? The one on the corner, you know which one? It's not so crowded but cozy."

"If I can find a parking space!"

I have to laugh, because that really is a gamble on a Saturday night in this corner of the town, but it's nice that she's at least trying. For me. No one does anything for me except my family. Not anymore. The idea of maybe having someone who cares about me again feels nice.

Nika lets out a little cry of joy when she discovers the parking lot. We get out of the car and Nika immediately looks for her boyfriend's hand.

"Can I walk with you? We don't have to hold hands if you don't want to." I'm so surprised by the question and the hand-holding thing that I laugh before I even understand what my body is doing.

Startled, I put my hand over my mouth. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

Adrien looks at me, confused. "What are you apologizing for? For laughing?" I shrug my shoulders and nod. "Not for that, please never for that! You're so pretty when you laugh." Adrien grips the back of his neck and presses his lips together, embarrassed.

"I...what?" My voice is raspy and quiet. No one has ever said anything like that to me before.

"You're pretty when you laugh."

"Thank you." My gaze is fixed on my shoes, I can't possibly look him in the eye.

"Come on, let's go. Nika and élias are already around the corner and I have no idea where we have to go. Or do you know your way around?"

I look up and his eyes immediately find mine. Adrien smiles at me, gentle and reserved, almost shy, and somehow that takes away my fear and lets me breathe.

When a man speaks to me, it usually feels like all the air is sucked out of the room from one second to the next. Not with Adrien. This is new and I don't dare think about what it means, but it feels good.

"I'm from here too. I know where we’re going – walk with me."

"How long have you lived here?" He asks as we walk briskly to catch up with Nika and élias. I was hoping we weren't going to talk, but Adrien obviously wants to. My heart is pounding in my throat. I don't want to say something wrong.

"DON'T TALK SO MUCH. IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU. NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN YOU AND YOUR LIFE."

But Adrien asked, so he wants to know, right? "Um... always have. I was born and raised here."

"Perfect! There’s no chance to get lost with you then! I'm sure you know all the cool places here!" What should I say to that? What does someone like Adrien think is cool? I have no idea. I'm not cool. I shrug my shoulders helplessly and watch my feet as I walk.

"How long have you been dancing with the crew?"

Okay, I can answer that. "I only started dancing again two months ago."

"What do you mean?"

Ah, shit... "I... I took almost three years off and now I'm back on."

Adrien looks at me with wide eyes. "I don't know much about dancing, but that looked really good – you must be really talented if you can just get back into it after such a long break and keep up so easily! That's amazing!"

Luckily, it's dark, as I can feel the blush crawling up my cheeks. I turn very red – the fate of us pale people. "Well, I'm not that good. You can tell that the others are more fluent and accurate than me. But I hope I can catch up?"

A sheepish smile plays around Adrien's lips. "I haven't seen that much of the others."

"We were all on stage together like..."

"I couldn't look away from you."