Page 23 of Bluebird
Philipp
"Why is he doing that?" My voice is quiet. I can barely hear myself against the loud voice in my head.
"YOU ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE EVER! DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK HE WANTED TO FUCK YOU? I TOLD YOU NOBODY WANTS YOU BUT ME, BUT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE ME. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET NOW. YOU'RE ALONE! AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE. NOT EVEN YOUR NAKED ASS COULD CONVINCE HIM. THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT YOU THAT HE WANTS. LITERALLY NOTHING. THAT'S SO PATHETIC."
His voice is no longer just loud, sometimes he's mocking me, like right now. I can't get him out of my head, he has something to say about everything, he makes me feel insecure. Not just when it comes to Adrien, but always, and I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Not even myself. Especially not myself.
A week after... the incident, Adrien came to the studio for the first time with élias to pick up Nika. Up until then, I tried to avoid him. I didn't read his messages, because honestly, what would he write after I got everything so wrong. I understood that he doesn't want me, I don't need to read it in black and white. It hurts enough as it is... I really thought he might like me. So stupid.
He's been there every time for two weeks, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, even at our gig last Saturday. With élias, in the front row. Why does he have to torture me like this?
"What do you mean?" Nika looks at me questioningly from the side.
"Why is he here? Why can't he leave me alone?"
She wants to reply quickly, but then stops, her mouth agape. Her eyes are narrowed, and she blinks rapidly. "What?"
How can she not understand... "Why can't he leave me alone? He didn't want me, he rejected me." So embarrassing... with my pants down... "What does he want here?"
"He wants to see you. Adrien is missing you, and even if he's never told me, it's absolutely obvious." Her look is sympathetic, and I hate it.
"He could have had me... he rejected me. I don't think he could have made it any clearer." My voice breaks at these words, I've never been so ashamed.
"You haven't been listening to me for the last two weeks, have you? Let's start again. Do you know why he didn't want to have sex with you? Because he had the feeling you weren't comfortable with it. Because he felt you were scared. Adrien wanted you, but not like that, not at that price. If you ask me, he did the only right thing." Nika's words feel like a slap in the face.
"What do you mean?" There is uncertainty in my voice. I'm sure I've done everything right. Adrien lifted my t-shirt, so I dropped my pants and got ready. I mean, that's how it works, isn't it?
"COME ON, DON'T BE SO COY! YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT, ON ALL FOURS WITH YOU! LET ME SEE YOUR ASSHOLE!"
I just didn't want it to hurt so much, but I shouldn't have asked, I know that now.
"And I’m telling you this for the probably tenth time now. I don't know what happened to you, but Adrien felt like it wouldn’t have been really consensual if you had sex. He had the impression you felt like you had to fulfill some duty, but that you didn't really want to because you... Adrien said you were shaking. He didn't want to hurt you, he wanted to protect you. That's what partners do, they look out for each other."
This is a new concept for me and I'm confused. In my last relationship, I learned to function and not question.
"But he slid his hands under my shirt, with my ex it always meant... you know..." I've never said anything out loud about what happened with my ex before. I stare fixedly at my shoes so that I don't have to look Nika in the eye. Luckily, we're alone in the studio, élias and Adrien are standing outside the glass door. They can see us, but they can't hear us. They wouldn’t understand us, but… I don’t know.
"Okay..." I can tell by the look on her face that Nika actually has 195 things to say about this, but is holding back hard so as not to overwhelm me. "I have to ask this, Philipp. And what if you didn't feel like having sex?"
"I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND! I CAN TAKE YOU WHENEVER I WANT, WHEREVER I WANT AND HOWEVER I WANT!"
"What do you mean?" Fascinated, I look at the dust fluffs under the heater.
"Did you always feel like having sex when your ex wanted to, yes or no?"
"No..." It's the truth and yet the need to bite off my own tongue is huge. I've never admitted it like this before, not even to myself.
"And did you communicate it?"
"No... there... there was nothing to communicate. The question never came up." Nika looks at me questioningly with a stern expression. Fuck...
"He said if I love him, I’ll always want to have sex with him, I... saying no was never an option."
"That means he had sex with you, against your will." It's not a question, it's an accusation.
"Not really, it's not like I said no, he didn't know I didn't want to... I'm sure he thought I'd agree." I'm losing my ground, I don't want to hear this, it sounds too real. But what does that make me?
"No, he didn't. He took your consent for granted and emotionally manipulated you to get what he wanted." Even if I find it hard to admit it to myself, I know she’s speaking the truth. "He manipulated and abused you, Philipp. Definitely emotionally, and sexually too if you ask me."
If I could stare holes in the ground, I'd already be two floors down. This can't be true, she's not right. She's not right... But if I'm honest with myself, I've known for a long time that his behavior towards me wasn’t okay... not okay at all...
"Shit! What are you doing? You're bleeding! Let me see!" Nika's voice is stern and doesn't allow any backtalk and I'm too surprised anyway. I was so lost in thought... I didn't even realize that I was... She grabs my wrist with a firm grip and pulls my bloody hand out of my t-shirt sleeve. That's what I get for not wearing long-sleeved shirts. I'm annoyed with myself.
"That's nothing." Determined, I pull my hand towards me.
"That's blood!" Nika's voice is not accusatory, but it is demanding. She wants answers, but there won't be any.
"I'll take care of it at home." With my head down, I search in my bag for a towel to wipe my hand. I can feel Nika's gaze on me, but I don't want to look her in the eye. She'll ask questions I don't want to answer, wants to see my arms, which I definitely can't show her.
"I have really upset you with what I said, didn't I?" Very carefully, she puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. "I'm sorry about that. But please think about it and if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you."
The thing is, I think Nika is right, and subconsciously I've known it for a while. I just wouldn't have used that word, I never said no. What would have happened if I had said no? Would he still have taken what he wanted, or would he not have crossed that line? And is what she said true? Adrien didn't want to sleep with me to protect me? Because... because he... because he likes me? Images of that night flash through my mind, of Adrien covering me up with that blanket, stroking my back. He didn't reject me... and yet, how am I ever supposed to look him in the eye again? I've ruined everything.