Page 37 of Bluebird

Philipp

Kleiner Finger Schwur [Pinky Swear] - Florian Künstler

We sit on the hill on our picnic blanket. I love Das Fest, I'm here every year. In the middle of Karlsruhe, a large park is transformed into a festival site and, for little money, you get a cool mix of well-known superstars and regional artists.

I've been to other festivals, but it’s nowhere as relaxed as it is here. The atmosphere is incomparable. The main stage is opposite a large hill, Mount Klotz. It's still quite empty, but later in the evening there will be tens of thousands of people here and a sea of lights will rise up in the darkness in front of the stage. I soak up the feeling and even though I've been here so many times, the magic of this place captivates me every time. The energy of the crowd flows through my body, everything around me vibrates. I forget everything, I am so light here.

It's late afternoon, the well-known acts don't come on until 7pm, but the singer-songwriter on stage has a good sound and good lyrics. I've never heard of him before, but I already know I'll be browsing Music Unlimited at home.

The next song begins, a beautiful melody that immediately captivates me. It wraps itself around my heart and tightens as the singing begins and I concentrate on the lyrics. And shit, they are perfect.

I turn to my right and see the man who does exactly that to me, who makes me feel exactly that way. An unfamiliar tingling in my stomach and an unwavering certainty that he won't hurt me. Adrien looks intently at the stage. How much I would give for him to understand the lyrics, for him to understand how much this song speaks straight out of my heart. I swallow hard and Adrien turns his head towards me. "What’s wrong?"

I sink into his gray eyes. Adrien doesn't let go of my gaze, but he pulls his left lip piercing between his teeth and plays with it.

At first I thought it was a flirting game, but now I know he's nervous and insecure. He does that a lot and I feel sorry for him. I'm so sorry that I do that to him. That he doesn't know where he stands with me. I'm stalling, I know that, but I’m so scared. Afraid that the voice in my head, which has become quieter and quieter over the last few months with Adrien, will suddenly become very loud again when more physical closeness comes into play. Afraid of myself, because I don't know how I will react when we become intimate. Afraid of the pain, afraid of being afraid.

Hesitantly, I lean towards him. My index finger finds his lips and I carefully pull at his hidden lip ring. It is still mostly him initiating physical contact, always worried he’ll trigger me. Even though I can accept and even enjoy his touch by now, I can still hardly manage to make the first move myself.

Little touches, physical contact, all the things that are so natural for others in their relationships, but they still aren't for me. We both know that. A shiver runs through Adrien's body and he breathes out shakily. My knuckles gently caress his cheek and he leans into my touch. So longingly, as if he's never been touched like this before. Which isn't true, I know that, but I've never touched Adrien like this before.

As I turn my hand to cup his face with my palm, Adrien closes his eyes, trembling.

The lyrics are killing me. It feels like Florian Künstler is singing just for us. Shaking me awake to make me aware of what this beautiful man next to me does for me and to me. Putting the words into my mouth that I should have said to him a long time ago.

They are true, every single one of them. I just haven't been brave enough to say them out loud yet. I don't think I can do it today, but at least I can try to show him.

My right pinky reaches out and hooks his left. I close my eyes as I slowly bring our joined hands to my lips and kiss his knuckles. When I open them again, he does exactly the same to me.

Any normal person would simply lean forward. It would be just a little further until our lips finally meet. But I can't remember how "normal" works. I know I want to kiss Adrien... Seriously, I want nothing more than to finally feel his lips on mine again. Firm and passionate and yet never too much. Even though we only kissed that one time, I still remember exactly how his lips felt on mine, I can still feel them. No one has ever kissed me like that before. Not my ex anyway, but no one before him either. I want to have that feeling again, but I don't dare.

Adrien looks at me with his big gray eyes. Shy, reserved and yet full of expectation. But I don't kiss him. Instead, I lean my forehead against his and feel the disappointment flowing through Adrien's body, feel the little snort as he exhales and how his shoulders slump.

None of it is obvious and I don't think he really realizes any of it and that makes it almost worse. How much longer will he put up with this, with me? When will he get fed up with me and my fear? Or worse, when will he give up because he thinks I don't want him after all?

"You're hurting him, you know?" Nika is standing next to me in line to buy some drinks, Adrien and élias are at our spot on the hill. The main act starts in twenty minutes, so we can't give up our spot or it'll be gone in seconds.

"Are you good? It's already pretty packed and there's hardly any room. If you feel like you need to get out, just let me know, okay."

"Don't try to distract me, I'm fine. Well, I'm okay. I can handle it, I want this. And when it gets tough, élias will be there." Nika is stubborn and brave and I admire her for it.

"Yes, I know."

"How long are you going to keep doing this? I understand your fear, that's not the point. But Adrien is suffering and that's not fair." I know that Nika has my back, she would never let me down, but she also doesn’t put up with my bullshit. I really appreciate her honesty.

"I don't know. I don't really want to be like this, but every time I'm about to kiss him, my head jumps in. What if he doesn't want to kiss me after all?"

Nika rolls her eyes dramatically throwing her head back. "Philipp, this boy has been waiting for you for six months! He's been picking you up from practice for six months - three times a week! He's been going on dates with you for six fucking months. You're holding hands, you... oh my God, you cuddle, you're so close, even physically. I'm sure he wants to kiss you. But he won't make the first move, that has to be you."

Fuck... me...