Page 54 of Bluebird

Adrien - 11 years later

We both always wanted a family, but as a gay couple, the options are limited. Of course we could have gone abroad for surrogacy, but we knew very quickly that that wasn’t our path. Adoption ranges from difficult to hopeless but taking in foster kids was a realistic option. So, we did all the courses and waited.

After some time, the youth welfare office asked us whether we could imagine taking in a severely traumatized or disabled child. The decision was difficult, and we were afraid that we wouldn't be able to cope with the situation, that we would have to give the child up again and we eventually decided against it. But Philipp couldn't let go and after countless training courses and courses on dealing with traumatized children and teens, we felt confident enough to take this step after all. Three months later, we received a call asking if we could imagine taking Louis in.

Louis was eight years old and his father had beaten up his mother with an iron bar in a drunken rage. He tried to protect her and suffered a serious head injury himself; his mother wasn’t so lucky. Half-orphaned and his father in custody for manslaughter, Louis had no relatives left who could have taken him in. Or wanted to. I'll be honest, neither of us expected such a bad story, but we wanted to give it a try.

The start was tough. As he was quiet and withdrawn at school, there were no problems there as long as he had his peace and quiet. It was different at home. Louis screamed and cried, smashed things and ran away. At night he woke up in a cold sweat, screaming. We could only be there to show him that he wasn't alone. Every time we touched him, he panicked and lashed out.

For months, Philipp and I took turns sleeping in his room on a pull-out armchair right next to his bed. We really doubted we could offer Louis what he needed. Countless conversations with our caseworker at the youth welfare office encouraged us not to give up on Louis.

We fought. And when I came into Louis's room one cold winter morning to wake them up, I knew we were on the right track. Louis was lying with his upper body on the armchair next to Philipp, both hands firmly in his curls. Two weeks later, Philipp was sitting on the couch with a novel when he crawled into his lap with his own book. We both had tears in our eyes.

Louis had to learn first how it feels, when you don’t have to be cautious at home all the time anymore. When you can be sure you wouldn't catch a slap in the face, or worse, for every wrong note. Once he felt safe, he opened up.

***

"Katharina has called." Philipp holds his cell phone in his hand with question marks in his eyes. "Did she try you too?" Katharina is our social worker at the youth welfare office. Our close contact over Louis in the early days has turned into a friendship. When we talk to her on the phone, it's in private. But the number on our cell phones is her office number. "They can't take Louis away from us, can they?" Philipp's voice trembles as he says what we're both fearing the most.

And of course they can take Louis from our family, we have no rights, but I don't see why they should. Louis is doing well. He's a good student, has lots of friends, is friendly and open. We are his fathers. Papa and Paps to be precise, we copied that from friends. Their daughter is now six and was two when Louis came to us.

"I'll call her back quickly."

Philipp's face goes through so many emotions in this fifteen-minute phone call that I can feel my insecurity rising. At one point, he puts his hand over his mouth and mumbles a quiet "Shit." When he finally hangs up, my nerves are on edge.

"What happened?"

"Remember we once spoke to Katharina about a sibling for Louis... she might have one."

I'm sure I've misheard him. We're not even officially available as a foster family at the moment, even though we always keep ourselves up to date with the necessary courses.

"But... how... what?"

Philipp is just as perplexed as I am. "The boy has a similar story as Louis has and Katharina thought of us because we have experience. She couldn't tell me that much now. He's six years old and his mother died of an overdose. He sat next to her in the apartment for a week before the neighbors became aware of it. They think he got by alone quite fine. He was probably on his own quite a lot. There are still grandparents, but they refuse to take custody. There is no father."

We quickly agree that we would like to bring the boy in to live with us, but we don't want to decide this without Louis. This is also his home.

"Louis, we need to talk to you." I shout across the hallway.

"Coming! Just a sec!" So much has changed for the better these last four years. Louis is self-confident and courageous, a bit cheeky, has a strong will and my heart melts when I see how he has developed. "What's up?"

Philipp gets straight to the point. "We got a call from the youth welfare office..."

"Do I have to leave?" The panic in his voice and in his eyes is frighteningly present.

"What? No, no way! For heaven's sake, no, you belong to us, we're not giving you up."

"Then why haven't you adopted me yet?"

Yes, why? It didn't really feel like an option for us in recent years. We didn't even think that far ahead, we were just happy and grateful to have Louis with us. "Is that what you want?"

We are both surprised, we didn't know that this was an issue for him. But he nods, leaving no room for doubt. "Yes, I do."

"Okay, then I'll ask Katharina if this is a possibility when I get back to her. If it's possible, we'll do it." Louis's eyes light up and it's only then that I understand how much certainty the finality of an adoption means to him.

"What did the youth welfare office want then?" He is curious, but there is caution in his voice.

"There's a boy, Jannis, he's six years old and in a similar situation to yours. He has no one left and he's feeling very bad and confused right now. Similar to how you were when you came to us. Katharina asked if we could imagine Jannis coming to live with us."

"Why can't he go somewhere else?"

"There aren't many families who take in children like you."

"What does that mean? Children like us?" Louis's posture changes abruptly. Cautious becomes confrontational. He has learned to stand up for himself the last few years. If he even has the slightest idea that someone might give him shit, the hairs on the back of his neck stand up immediately. Never physically aggressive, but this boy has a mouth on him with which he can tear anyone apart in no time at all. Even us.

"Children who need a lot of love." I'm grateful that Philipp is leading the conversation. Even though my German is now quite good and Louis has learned French incredibly quickly, Philipp finds exactly the right words.

Louis becomes thoughtful. "What will happen to him if he doesn't come to us?"

"He's going to a group home. Katharina called us because all the other foster homes are full or have canceled." I put my arm around Louis's shoulder and he immediately leans in. "It's your decision."