Page 29 of Bluebird
Philipp
"You're welcome." I can't believe it. He says that he likes the date, that he likes my food, that I spoil him. I haven't heard any of this even once - directed at me.
The voice in my head is surprisingly quiet today. Quiet, but still there. I can still hear it clearly and, as always, it unsettles me.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU WANT TO GO FOR A WALK? IT’S FUCKING COLD! TEA? YOU SERIOUS? GIVE ME SOME COFFEE, BUT NOT THIS SHIT! YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ALLOWED NEAR AN OVEN. TOTALLY BURNT! NOBODY WANTS TO EAT THAT CRAP!"
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. But as always with Adrien, nothing happens. He says I'm spoiling him. That's good, right?
In three and a half years with my ex, I heard almost every day that I can't do anything right in our relationship, that I didn't care enough, didn't pay attention to what he wanted and was absolutely useless.
Except for sex. Just the thought of sex hurts physically and I feel everything tighten up inside me.
"Hey, where did you just disappear to in your thoughts?" A knee gently nudges mine and I flinch, startled.
Adrien. Quiet, gentle words. Questions, no accusations. Light touches, not a firm grip. My eyes search his and his gaze is soft, questioning, never demanding.
"Shall we walk?" I haven't answered his first question and yet he drops it because he just understands how hard it is for me to answer it. I can't tell him what's going on in my head, what's happened to me, or can I? What would happen if he knew?
"If it's too cold for you, we can just walk the short loop." I try to create a way out for him. Away from me... just in case... He doesn't have to struggle with me...
"No way! Now I'm warm again, look!" Two large, warm hands cradle my face, very carefully. "And I've had some delicious food too, I'm perfectly happy."
"Okay... let's pack up then." I'm just about to close the Tupperware with the puff pastry buns when fingers slip under the lid.
"Stop! I want another one! No, stop! Two!" Grinning, Adrien shoves one into his mouth rolling his eyes with pleasure. It's so outrageously cute, I can't help smiling back.
***
"Do it."
"What?"
"Balancing. I can see how you're looking at the logs." Adrien is right, I’d like to balance. There is a small course on the path in front of us. Thin tree trunks lie along, about 50 cm above the ground, with single tree stumps in between, connecting the trunks so that you never need to touch the ground. I really want to do this.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, THAT'S ONLY FOR KIDS! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE YOU'RE FIVE! COULD YOU GET ANY MORE EMBARRASSING?"
I quickly shake my head. "No, that's okay. It's for kids actually."
"So what? Even if it is, there's no one around who could snitch on us and I won't tell anyone, I promise." Grinning mischievously, he winks at me and stops in front of the first tree trunk with his hand outstretched.
My legs are tingling with excitement, can I really...?
"Don't think so much and give me your hand." Adrien smiles at me encouragingly. "Come on."
Fuck it. I take a deep breath and put my hand in his.
Sixteen years of dancing are paying off. I think I look relatively elegant up there and I'm not making a complete fool of myself.
"I think that's too easy for you. You're not even wiggling yet." And with these words, he gives my hand a quick tug, the hand he’s still holding.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I grip tightly to stabilize myself, but I can feel the light laughter resonating in my voice. I haven't heard that for so long. Not like that.
"We have to increase the level of difficulty, it's too boring otherwise. Oh no! An earthquake is shaking the ground!" He pulls his hand back and forth in different directions.
"Ah! No! I'm about to fall!" But my protest is only half serious. I’m laughing so hard I can feel it in my stomach and it feels good. So good. Easy. So fucking easy.
Adrien's earthquake throws me harder and harder and at some point I can no longer hold on for the life of me. Intuitively, I reach for the first thing that could give me support. In this case, it's Adrien's shoulder and I fall into his arms. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"Shh... don't be sorry. I started it... and I still think it's funny." He strokes my cheek with cold fingers. It's not much, but it's so much more than I've always had.
"Thank you..."
"For what?" Adrien looks at me seriously, questioningly.
"For doing this with me."
He shakes his head in disbelief. "You don't have to thank me, not for that. If anything, I have to thank you. You thought of literally everything. It’s perfect."
"You like it? Really?" Even if it sounds pathetic, I need to know.
"Yes, very much so."
Nika said we have to talk if we want this to work. Which means I have to talk, because I'm the problem, even if I'm scared shitless.
In moments like now, I know 100% that I want this. That I want Adrien. "My ex would've never done this with me..."
"What do you mean?"
"A date like this..."
"Why not?"
Adrien looks at me in confusion and I shrug my shoulders, because I’ve actually no idea myself. "I don't know. He never wanted to do anything with me alone anyway, only with his friends. If I wanted to do something, it was always too childish, but if his buddies suggested it a week later, it was cool."
We are now sitting on a... I don't know, bench is the wrong word. There's not much room and Adrien has his arm behind my back so we can move closer together.
"What did you do when you were alone?"
"Sex?" Such a short word, but it's still so hard to get out.
"And what else? I mean, sex is great, but that can't be everything."
I squint my eyes. Firstly, no, sex isn't great, but I can't say that without getting more questions I can't answer yet. And secondly, "That's all I’m good for."
Nothing happens for what feels like an eternity, but I'm too cowardly to open my eyes.
"HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT THAT WITH YOU. SEX. WHY ARE YOU HERE ANYWAY? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?"
Adrien is moving behind me. I'm sure he’s about to stand up when I feel his arm around my shoulder and with a gentle but firm tug he pulls me into him. My back against his side and his hand on mine. My first impulse when Adrien touches me is always the same and I'm so sorry. As if on cue, my shoulders pull up and my body goes rigid. But Adrien doesn't let himself be unsettled.
"I don't even know what to say... I think I’ve never heard worse bullshit than that. I've never liked being with someone as much as I do with you. We could read the phone book together and I'd have fun. If he felt that way about you, he didn't deserve you." His head rests on my shoulder and I notice the tension easing. "How long were you together?"
"Almost three and a half years."
"And it was like that from the beginning?" What can I say to that? That my ex treated me like shit for three and a half years and I didn't manage to leave? I shrug my shoulders, but Adrien understands. "Shit. I’m happy you got rid of him."
***
"What are you doing today?" Nika is standing in my bedroom in nothing more but an oversized t-shirt. We had a competition in Mannheim yesterday and didn't get back until three in the morning. Much later than expected and she was so exhausted that she didn't want to drive to Strasbourg on her own.
"I have no idea. Adrien just said I need sturdy shoes, so I think we'll go hiking somewhere."
"Ah, that's why the pants and the shirt. Cool. When are you meeting up?"
"Adrien will pick me up in fifteen minutes."
Nika's eyes get so big, I'm almost a little afraid they'll fall out of her head. "I'm going to get dressed." Ten seconds later, there's a roar from the bathroom. "I'm not wearing make-up! I'll never make it in time!"
"What do you need make-up for? For Adrien? I don't think he's going to care about that."
I'm just putting on my shoes when Nika comes out of the bathroom, dressed, and yes, without make-up. That’s a first. Her voice is light as she asks, "Are you nervous?"
"Always." Even though it's now the end of March and we've met so many times. Inwardly, I'm always waiting for the moment when Adrien sees that I'm really nothing special and he's had enough with my antics. Or the time I do something embarrassing and he realizes he doesn't want to be seen with me. The variations are endless, the result is always the same and the voice of my ex in my head clearly tells me that I shouldn't get my hopes up because the moment I take my t-shirt off, everyone will leave in disgust anyway. And that’s the truth, we all know it, so what should I say?