Page 42 of Bluebird

Adrien

Will someone please pinch me? This isn't real, is it? But when I open my eyes briefly, Philipp is still there, his eyes closed, his lips on mine. I've been hoping to feel him like this again since January. So long that at some point I wasn't even sure if my memories were still true.

I pull him to me by the hips and hold him tightly. I can feel his body relax and I can't help it. I carefully feel along his lips with my tongue and wait for him to let me in.

When I feel his tongue on mine, I can no longer keep my voice down. All my pent-up longing is released in a deep and loud moan. I've been waiting for this moment for so long.

It's all mushy in my head, I have no sense of time anymore. Philipp's hands eventually move to my chest, countless people bump into us because we're standing in the middle of the path, but we only break our kiss when my stomach growls as loudly as an angry German Sheperd. A very angry German Sheperd.

"What was that?" Philipp's laugh is infectious. His freckles are shining brightly in the morning sun. "Come on, let's find something for breakfast." He takes my hand and tries to pull me further, but I'm not ready yet.

“Just a second."

Philipp flinches in shock at my words. "I'm sorry, I..." But I don't let him finish. Once again, my lips find his, until I can feel the smile around his mouth again that I love so much. "Now we can go." I grin at him and he just shakes his head, laughing.

Twenty minutes later, we're back on the beach. This time with croissants and two large coffees to go. Philipp is sitting between my legs. We've sat like this before, but today he keeps turning around picking up kisses, big and small. He's playful and demanding, showing me a side of him that I've only ever really seen when he's dancing. A side of him that I hope to see a lot more often.

Suddenly Philipp is looking at me seriously. "Is that okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"That I kiss you like that... like whenever I want to." The question surprises me so much I don't answer straight away. That was a mistake, Philipp's expression changes just the blink of an eye later. Defensive, alert.

I kiss him gently, first on the forehead, then on the nose, then on the mouth. "You can kiss me whenever you want!" Kiss. "I can't get enough of your kisses." Kiss. "But why do you ask that?"

Philipp’s gaze falls into his lap. "I don't know the rules yet..." Rules... His ex... Now I get it. "I don't want to do anything wrong just because... just because I... because I like kissing you."

"What were the rules with your ex?" Philipp still can't look at me, but I don't want to put any pressure on him.

His voice is so quiet when he speaks again, barely audible. I rest my head against his and feel him take a deep breath. "I told you before. Don't kiss. Sometimes he kissed me when we were out. To demonstrate that I was his. But it was never affectionate, it was more... aggressive. I wasn't allowed to kiss him, I wasn't allowed to touch him at all. He never touched me either, except," Philipp swallows hard. His voice is no more than a toneless whisper. But I can hear the pain, both mental and physical. "...except when he... when we had sex."

He’s right, he told me before and yet I'm still somewhere between stunned and angry and confused. "What do you mean exactly by don't touch?"

"What I said – don't touch."

"But how can you not touch during sex. During foreplay, when you're getting each other hot, and during prep. How is that supposed to work?"

Philipp flinches at the word prep, followed by two quiet words. "No foreplay." And suddenly it clicks. Shit! The night at my apartment plays out before my inner eye. "I know it's a lot to ask, but would it be okay if you prepped me first? Otherwise it hurts so much." Shit.

I notice my pulse rising. "And no prep, am I right?" A shake of the head and a quiet whimper, that's all I get in reply, but that's all I need. This is even worse than I imagined. I pull Philipp a little closer to me and his head falls onto my chest. I carefully run a hand through his thick curls and brush them out of his face.

"You never came, did you?" He shakes his head. "Never had a handjob, or blowjob?" Again he shakes his head. "You only ever got off by yourself?"

A nod. "And not even that for a long time now... whenever I think about sex, he's always in my head, hurting me. I have no idea when was the last time I was really hard..."

It starts with a slight trembling and sniffling, but I don't let go of Philipp, not even to see what's wrong. I continue to play with his curls, stroke his back, hold him when all the dams break and I'm still holding him when his breathing calms down again and he falls asleep from exhaustion.

The beach is slowly filling up, but no one is really interested in us. I don't know how much time has passed before Philipp is moving again. Slowly at first, then he straightens up with a jerk. "I'm sorry... I don't know how... it'll never happen again... I..." That's right, he wasn't allowed to sleep around his ex. I gently pull him back into my lap. "You can sleep on me whenever you want. Wherever you want and whenever you need it."

His gaze finds mine. The most beautiful eyes in the world lock with mine, anxious and questioning. But there is also hope in his gaze. His eyes don't leave mine as he slowly leans up towards me. Only at the last second, just before our lips touch, does he close them.

***

"Thank you..."

We're sitting in our favorite position again with Philipp between my legs. "For what?"

His look is serious as he answers. "For still being there, even now that you know... everything."

"I'm glad that I know everything. It helps me understand you and your fears. I have to thank you for your trust."

"I... I want this with you, being with you." Philipp's voice is almost defiant. "I wasn't allowed to want anything for so long that at some point I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. But... I do want you. Even if I'm scared shitless because I have no idea how to do it, how to be with someone. I want to learn it, with you. If that's what you want..." There's still fear in his voice, but so much strength too. He's won, he's won for today.

I know it's going to be tough; I'm not fooling myself. And he will need professional help to really come to terms with all what happened to him. But we can do it. Together. No matter how long it takes.