Page 17 of Bluebird
Adrien
It's New Year’s. Philipp and I have slept together in the same bed for four nights. We spent almost every minute of four days together. Many of them with élias and Nika, but also some alone when we had the feeling that the two of them needed some time to themselves.
We go for walks or listen to music, we hold hands, we talk and sometimes, very carefully, we even laugh together. Philipp is so pretty when he laughs, but unfortunately he rarely does it. There are by far not enough moments, when I can see this gleam in his eyes. It's mostly fear or downright panic. Sometimes he looks at me as if he's expecting a reaction, I just don't know what this could be.
***
Together with Nika and élias, we drove up to the coast. It's really fucking freezing cold, but with the icy wind and the salty sea air... I feel more alive than I have for a long time.
Philipp is so quiet next to me, deep in thought, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips thin. Is he sad? Sometimes I’d love to look right into his head. I'd like to pull him out of his dark thoughts, because that's what they are, dark, but...
Before I can really think about what I'm doing, I pull Philipp's beanie off his head and run off. For two brief seconds, I'm not sure if Philipp will come after me, but it was probably just the initial shock.
"Hey! It's fucking cold!" Then I hear him, quick footsteps behind me in the sand, getting louder and louder. I underestimated him, I didn't think he was that fast. He's very close behind me, I can feel it and I'm just waiting for him to grab my winter jacket.
BAMM! Two arms reach around my neck and shoulders and two legs wrap around my middle. "Give me my hat!"
How the hell does he do that? Philipp isn't even out of breath yet. He grabs my jacket by the chest with a firm grip and tries to reach his hat with his other hand.
"Then come and get it!" Laughing, I wave his hat in front of his nose, just out of reach. He grabs my arm with both hands, only holding on to me with his legs.
I try to throw Philipp off like a wild horse, but I don't stand a chance. His legs are like screw clamps around my hips. Fuck, his muscles must be badass. I've seen him in boxer briefs before. He's athletic but slim. I would have never believed him capable of this.
Philipp comes closer and closer to his beanie, scolding and shouting, but I can hear the laughter in his voice. A lightness I've never heard before. I would love to see his face. In a final attempt to keep Philipp away from the hat, I tuck it into the snow catcher of my jacket and let myself fall onto my stomach. Philipp falls with me but doesn't let himself be distracted. I don't know how he did it, especially so quickly, but with two well-aimed grips and turns I'm lying on my back under him, his hands pinning my shoulders down and his weight on my hips.
His brown curls stand up wildly in all directions, falling into his face, his green eyes shining. And he’s laughing. Really laughing. With teeth and dimples. The freckles dance on his flushed cheeks. I could look at him like this forever, I've never seen him like this before.
"Hey!" My shoulders still firmly in the sand, I carefully lift my hand and brush a lock of hair from his forehead. His eyes fall sheepishly to my chest.
"Hey!" Very quietly, barely audible, but I can see that he is still shaking his head with a smile. I gently place my hand on his cheek and lift his chin with my thumb. The first two seconds I feel him lean into my touch, then he stiffens. A shadow falls over Philipp's eyes and there it is again, the fear. I'm sure by now that it's fear. He's waiting, but I just don't know what for.
Neither of us moves, my hand still on his cheek, his hands on my shoulders. I can feel his fingers clawing into my jacket and I'm glad it's not summer. Neither of us breaks eye contact, not even when I reach under my jacket and pull out Philipp's beanie.
I try to pull it over his head with one hand. It's terribly awkward and takes forever, but I notice how Philipp relaxes. Suddenly he closes his eyes and leans into my hand again breathing out with a slight whimper.
"What are you so afraid of?" I don't get an answer, Philipp just shakes his head. But I understand, he can't talk about it. At least not yet. "I'm here, however much time you need. I'll wait for you."
A tear runs down his cheek and I catch it with my thumb. I slowly straighten up, and Philipp opens his eyes again, looking at me expectantly. This green is so indescribably beautiful. It reminds me of the forest and moss – with golden flecks shimmering around the pupil. It's as if sunlight is shining through the tops of the trees.
I sit up enough so that we don't touch each other, I don't want to cross his boundaries. Something tells me this has happened too often. Philipp's eyes hold mine and when he's sure I'm not going any further, he drops his head onto my chest.
This is the first time Philipp has sought physical contact on his own initiative. Okay, apart from our first morning here, but he was actually still asleep then, so that doesn't count. This here and now is conscious. I gently grip the back of his neck, his shaved hair under my fingers.
***
"That was nice today."
We are back at home with élias' parents, in our room. Philipp is standing at the window, lost in thought, looking out into the dark garden. He's already changed into boxer shorts and a long-sleeved shirt. It would be far too warm for me with long sleeves, I could never sleep like that. I'm currently sleeping in a t-shirt and that's a real adjustment.
He never changes in front of me and I don't really understand why. After seeing how much strength he has today, I'd really like to see what he's hiding under that shirt. "What did you say? Sorry, my mind was somewhere else..."
"I noticed that. I hope it was nice there." It wasn't, I can tell from his closed-off look and tense facial features. But I try to keep my voice light and relax the situation a little.
"Not that much..." It's not a question and yet two big green eyes look at me questioningly.
"Do you want to tell me?" A silent shake of his head is the only answer I get.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" A shrug of his shoulders. But his gaze softens again. Shy, cautious, reserved, but he opens up. I can feel it.
I walk slowly towards him with open arms. "May I?" A hesitant nod, then Philipp moves towards me. His eyes on the ground, but with brisk steps. I wait for him to stop, but he only stops when his curls touch my shoulder.