Page 7 of Bluebird
Philipp
It's Wednesday and by now I'm one hundred percent sure I made an absolute fool of myself on Saturday. Adrien was just trying to be nice, and I couldn’t even look him in the eye most of the time. And I really wish I had – his eyes are so beautiful. But I probably won't have the chance now, because a man like Adrien doesn't need to deal with someone like me.
"Hello? Earth to Philipp?"
Oh shit. "Sorry, what did you say?"
"Dreaming of Adrien?" Why is this woman so perceptive? Why does she always know what's going on in my head? That's creepy, damn it!
"Uhh... no?"
Nika laughs, of course she laughs, I would too, with such an obvious lie. "Try again, this time be honest please."
I roll my eyes and exhale loudly. "Yes, happy now?"
"Better, but why didn't you want to tell me?" Her big gray blue eyes look at me questioningly, almost a little hurt.
"Because I made a complete idiot of myself on Saturday. Even if he’d found me exciting then, which I don't even know for sure, he certainly wouldn't have after that night. I don't even know for sure if he likes men, I just had a feeling."
"I don't know for sure either, neither does élias. We both had the same feeling as you, though. But what was so bad about that night? I can't remember anything particularly terrible."
Probably because my dear friend was more concerned with sticking her tongue down her boyfriend's throat than with Adrien and me. But I can't blame her. Nika and élias are a great couple. It was the first time I saw them together that I realized I wanted that after… him. Closeness, warmth, tenderness. Everything I never had with him. Before I met Nika and élias I thought that this was only a thing in Hollywood movies; relationships could never be like that in reality. So, I put that desire away as irrational and stupid. Now I know that there are real relationships that work exactly like that. And even though I still don't know how I'll ever let a man get close to me again, I really want what they have.
"Terrible is relative. I wasn't embarrassing or anything." I hope so at least, oh god... was I embarrassing? I'm not so sure anymore... "But you know how I am. I can't just talk to people casually – especially not men."
"Don't worry so much. If Adrien is really interested in you, he won't let that put him off." Nika lovingly ruffles my curls with one hand. She likes doing this because she knows it calms me and I lean into her touch.
Nika and I became very close very quickly. To a certain extent it's inevitable when you dance with someone. We have to touch each other, very closely and very intimately. Especially when you dance the way we do, trust is an absolute necessity. She gives me her body and I give her mine and together we give ourselves to the music. It's beautiful, and I'm glad that no feelings ever jeopardize what we have. But it's not enough, not what I really need.
"If he can't take you as you are, he's not worth it anyway."
"I'm difficult..."
"Me too. Nevertheless, élias loves me with everything, faults and all." Nika really is a complicated person, so I get what she’s saying. I really admire élias for his calmness in dealing with her, how he immediately recognizes what she needs and brings her back from her dark thoughts and fears. If you didn't know, you wouldn't even realize it. I've seen the two of them together several times in the last two months, after practice or after competitions. That’s when I asked myself if there might be someone out there for me too. Who accepts me for who I am. I want that, so much, but my fear of getting back with someone like my ex is so overwhelmingly huge.
Every time a man is nice to me, I try to find what I'm missing, why he's playing up to me. I don’t want to give anyone power over me by missing the warning signs. "How did you know élias was one of the good guys?"
Nika smiles. "That's easy to answer. He never left, never left me alone when I was feeling bad. No matter how bad the circumstances were."
Huh... that's a new concept for me. I quickly learned with my ex that it's not good for me if I'm... not available to the extent he’s used to.
"DON'T MAKE SUCH A FACE! AREN'T YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU ANYMORE? AM I NOT WORTH YOU PULLING YOURSELF TOGETHER FOR ME? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU LOVE ME IF YOU WON'T LET ME FUCK YOU?"
"But, weren't you afraid? That he wouldn't want to take it any further if you were... you? I mean, how did you manage to be so open?"
"It wasn't really a conscious decision. I had a panic attack on our first date. When I realized it was coming and that I couldn't control it, I sent him away, but he didn't leave. He didn't laugh at me, but he didn't pity me either. For the first time, I didn't feel like an absolute freak afterwards. But élias was always completely open with me too, he never pretended. He was so vulnerable. That made it easier for me. With him I never had the feeling that I had to fulfill any role, any expectations. I still don't."
It sounds so simple when she says that, but nothing is simple with me, because no one will come up with my story on their own. Not even close. And talking about it is very difficult. How do you explain to another person that you were with someone for over three years who always kept you down, degraded and humiliated you, who hurt you... mentally... and physically.
I sit down in a wide side split and let my upper body fall to the floor between my legs. One of the few stretching exercises where I can still feel something.
I slowly increase the tension on my inner thighs and pull myself a little further forward until I find the right pain. Hold, hold on now, maybe pull again. Just a little. When the pain finally releases and the endorphins and euphoria flow through my body and mind, I let my head fall forward.
"What's your story, Philipp? You have one, or you wouldn't be so in your head over Adrien."
It's a good thing I'm still lying with my head on the floor and I don't have to look at Nika. "The relationship with my ex-boyfriend was... difficult. And I..." I don't know why, but my head lifts and my eyes search hers. "I'm afraid it's going to happen to me again."