Page 25 of Bluebird

Philipp – 15 minutes earlier

"I've brought a new song. I think it's really cool, but if you're not feeling it, we'll use a different one. Or do you have something?"

"No, it's fine by me, let's hear it."

That's how it always works for us: whoever has a song brings it along and we listen to it. When we both start moving to it, we let go and dance. I don't have anything new and I'm really glad that Nika brought something.

Our musical tastes could hardly be more different. While I'm more into pop and singer/songwriter stuff, Nika's musical home is much heavier in the metalcore/alternative metal corner. Our choice of songs differs accordingly. While I mostly choose soft melodies, often with a bit of melancholy, Nika's music always hurts, really hurts.

Nika connects her phone to the speaker, and I hear her song the same moment. Somehow it sounds familiar and for whatever reason I immediately connect it with Adrien. In the chorus, the realization hits me like a bucket of ice-cold water. "This is Dead by April. ‘Heartbeat Failing’, but a slow version."

Nika raises her eyebrows, impressed. "That's right, didn't think you knew that."

"This is Adrien's favorite song..."

"Oh shit, I didn't know that. We don't have to take it if it’s bothering you."

Yeah, that's the question... is it? "No, it's okay, but I don't really feel like being the active part in this song. Can you take the lead?"

I could never lead with this song. It always brings my ex's voice to my mind, telling me loudly, demandingly and authoritatively what a pathetic laughing stock I am - and I believe him. That's why Adrien is gone now.

"I can try...?" Even though Nika is one of the most creative dancers I know who always introduces step sequences and new elements, she is not someone who likes to lead. I, on the other hand, do. Dancing is my only refuge, the only place where I know who I am and what I'm doing.

Regarding Adrien I don't know anything anymore. Except that I like him and that I'd like to have him in my life, for me. But I can't have him, can I? My ex is right, men like Adrien don't go for guys like me, right?

This version of “Heartbeat Failing” is beautiful and absolutely painful, I can feel it in every fiber of my body. After the first round of listening, Nika claps her hands. "Okay, shall we do this? I have an idea. I lead, you follow, that's what you want, right?" Nodding, I walk to the center of the room.

Nika didn't promise too much. She is leading, dominant and strong. I've never seen her like this before. Normally she is fragile and vulnerable. Not today. She pulls me towards her and pushes me away, gives me closeness, only to let me fall. I follow her blindly.

So blind that I only realize at the very end that we're not alone. Shit! Adrien can't see me like this, not when I’m this weak. The song is over, but I'm still lying on the floor. A hand rests gently on my back and I slowly sit up. I know I'm looking Adrien right in the eye the moment I lift my head, I just don't know if I'll be able to hold his gaze.

Nika’s words combine with my ex’s in my head.

"He likes you, he wanted to protect you."

"NOT EVEN YOUR ASS IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?"

"He likes you, he wanted to protect you."

"NOT EVEN YOUR ASS IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?"

"He likes you, he wanted to protect you."

"NOT EVEN YOUR ASS IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! WHO..."

I don't want that anymore. I've been listening to him for over three years, he continuously broke me that whole time. And even now, almost a year after our breakup, he still has so fucking much power over me, manipulating me and my life. I don't want that anymore, I want my life back.

I resolutely push his piercing voice aside and lift my head. My eyes immediately catch Adrien's gaze, his gray eyes that always remind me of rain clouds but make me feel like the sun is rising.

I flinch in surprise when Nika puts her hand in front of my nose, but I grab it and let myself be pulled up without letting go of his gaze. "Don't leave him hanging..." I hear Nika's soft voice in my ear.

I won't leave Adrien standing there, I want this, I can do this. While Nika runs past me kissing her boyfriend, I walk slowly, step by step, until I'm standing right in front of Adrien.

"I miss you…" he blurts out hanging his head immediately. He's embarrassed. If he knew what it meant to me to hear those three words after everything that's happened...

***

For the first time in four weeks, we are out together again, not Adrien and I alone, but the two of us, together with Nika and élias. I enjoy his proximity, his presence, which made me feel safe from the start, a feeling I've never known before.

Not loud and demonstrative, but still strong and steady. His calmness takes away my nervousness and fear. I know there won’t be any sudden surprises, no mood swings, no humiliating jabs, no jokes at my expense.

We sit next to each other and talk as a group, but I have the feeling that neither of us really knows where to go from here. Neither of us gets too close to the other, we try almost obsessively not to touch. I think we both realize it, but neither of us brings it up.

"Phew guys, you're sitting there like you've a stick up your ass, both of you. You don't have to make out or something, but please, relax." Nika - I should have known. She's usually so reserved and almost unapproachable, but when dealing with people she likes, she's characterized by an almost one hundred percent loss of diplomacy. No filter.

Nobody can call you out on your bullshit directly in your face like Nika. It is really inconvenient when you try to drink something at these moments. Adrien snorts across the table only to fall into a violent coughing fit. Out of reflex, I pat him firmly on the back, even though I've read that it doesn't really help because it's too weak.

"Okay you two, you're not saying anything, so I'll say something." Adrien has only been able to breathe normally for a maximum of 30 seconds. It's not like she's given us a lot of time to answer. But I smile anyway, because that's so typically Nika. "I understand that you don't know how to be comfortable with each other anymore, especially physically, but you won't be happy if you both obsessively try not to get too close to each other. Because that's actually the plan, you want to get close again, right? And don't lie to me."

Hell, she’s scary. Nobody would ever lie to her.

Adrien looks at me expectantly, but doesn't give an answer right away. I will, I'll answer, my ex has already destroyed so much that meant something to me, not my second chance on this. I nod my head resolutely.

"Yes?" His voice nothing more than a stunned breath, Adrien looks at me with wide eyes. "You sure?" His lower lip begins to tremble, and he swallows hard, but doesn't avert his gaze. He is so soft, so open. My heart beats a little faster.

"Yeah, I...I just don't really know how yet."

Very carefully, Adrien's right hand on the table comes closer to my left until our little fingers find each other in a tiny touch. His eyes are on me the whole time as he hooks his pinky around mine, as if for a pinky swear. "Okay?"

"More than okay."