Page 39 of Bluebird

Philipp

"Hey Nika! Are you okay?" I'm surprised. She's on vacation with élias, first in Bretagne with his parents and then they wanted to go to some island on the Atlantic coast.

"Ah, good you answered. I wanted to ask you something. Would you like to spend two weeks with me on ?le de Saint-émile?"

I don't really understand what she's talking about. "What do you mean by that? You're on vacation with élias."

There's a groan at the other end of the line. "Yes, that was the plan. But élias's parents had major water damage to their house and they need all the help they can get. élias can't leave now. But our campsite is already booked and paid for, so I wanted to ask if you'd like to meet me there instead. You can't see it, but I’m pouting like ‘Please, please’."

A laugh bubbles up inside me and I can't stop it. Nika is absolutely unique, which is what I love so much about her. But you only know that if you're one of the handful of people who don't just get to see her facade. I'm glad that I get to be one of them. "Okay, of course! I'm definitely up for it! When do we go?"

"Yeah, that's exactly the problem. You have to leave tomorrow."

I must have gotten that wrong and ask again, but Nika sticks to her guns. I’ll have to catch a train tomorrow morning, change trains once in Paris to get to Nantes, and then continue by bus.

"You know what time it is, right? It's just before nine in the evening! How am I supposed to make it?"

"I believe in you! I'll meet you at the campsite. Call me when you get off the bus and I'll meet you at the reception. I'll send you your ticket. See you tomorrow!" Click. Nika's gone and I'm standing in my little kitchen looking rather bewildered.

I'm frantically gathering my things when my phone vibrates. A message from Adrien. Shit, I still need to tell him. How will he react if I leave now?

"Hey! élias asked me if I'd keep him company while you're on the road. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. I would have loved to say goodbye properly, but it was too last-minute. I'll see you in two weeks. Miss you! Have fun! Sleep well and sweet dreams."

That means Adrien is going to élias’s in Rennes tomorrow. So we'll both get to go on our vacation after all. We could have gone somewhere together... why didn't we think of that? Stupid.

"AS IF HE WANTED TO GO AWAY WITH YOU. DID HE ASK YOU? NO, BECAUSE HE CAN’T STAND YOU FOR THAT LONG. BECAUSE HE'S HAPPY WITHOUT YOU."

No, he's not right. It’s not true. Adrien likes being with me, he likes me. Very much so. I'm fighting against my ex, against his voice in my head and against myself. It would be so much easier to listen to him, but I don't want to. I want this chance with Adrien.

"Do you think you could keep up your game of hide-and-seek if you were on vacation together?"

It worked on New Year's Eve, I return defiantly.

"Yes, in winter. Where would you have chosen to go to justify your long sleeves? Iceland? Spitsbergen? Greenland? Don't fool yourself. One look at your arms and he's gone. No one wants to see that, no one will ever want you like that, no one will ever love you. No one but me."

My hands grip my upper arms so tightly that my fingernails dig into my skin. Tighter and tighter, until the pain is louder than his voice in my head, until the pain turns into an indescribable feeling of happiness. Until the skin breaks and blood runs down my arms.

My night was shit. The high was followed by shame. In my mind, I ran through about five hundred scenarios of how Adrien would react if he saw me like this and how long it would take for my arms to heal and stop looking so awful.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but it was late, or rather early again. I'm tired as fuck and I keep nodding off during the train ride. But as the bus rolls over the high bridge and the sea spreads out in front of us, I'm wide awake. Wow... so beautiful...

An "everything-will-be-good" feeling flows through my body and I feel the corners of my mouth turn upwards.

***

A car honks behind me. What a jerk, everyone here is on vacation, why is he so stressed? I’m not even in his way.

Once again. What the hell? A car slowly approaches from behind.

"Philipp?!" Okay, that's my name... does he mean me?

"Philipp?"

Hesitantly, I turn towards the car. "What... ? What are you doing here?"

The car comes to a halt and a familiar face leans towards the passenger door window. My favorite face. With the gray eyes and the lip piercings. Adrien. "I could ask you the same thing! I thought you were on your way to a gig with Nika."

"What? No. I thought you were in Rennes helping élias with the water damage."

Suddenly it clicks for both of us. "That was Nika's idea. I swear.” My words bubble out of my mouth with a laugh.

Adrien is fighting back tears, he's laughing so hard. "Get in the car. They'll freak when we show up together."

As we drive up to the reception, Nika and élias are already standing in front of the cottage. Nika is gesticulating wildly and pointing at her watch. élias is relaxed as ever, just shrugging his shoulders. Adrien presses the horn lightly and they both jump. Then their eyes almost fall out of their heads.

I roll down my window with relish. "Are you waiting for us?"

élias is the first to find his words again, grinning and waving. "You can drive through the gate, we've already done the check-in."

"Get in the back, you can show us the way."

As soon as the car is unloaded, Nika gets going. "Okay. There's a reason you're here. élias and I think you need a change of scenery and maybe a few serious words so that things can finally work out between you. You like each other, very much in fact, as anyone who spends more than five minutes with you can see. But somehow you can't really get your shit together. You..."

A black-painted fingernail points at me. "... are still doubting yourself so much that you can't see how smitten Adrien is with you. And you..."

The fingernail switches to Adrien. "...are just super insecure. You’d rather not take the next step at all than one too soon."

Is that so? Because of me? Shit...

"We know that you've become closer again in the last few months. You should see the two of you together, it would actually make you sweat just watching. The way you look at each other, your gentle touches. There are fireworks going off between you two, that's no longer just casual and élias and I are no longer willing to stand by and watch while you miss out on the best thing that can happen to you just because you're not talking."

Nika's voice is agitated. She's fighting for something I can't fight for myself, even though I want it so badly. "Can you please talk to each other? Can you just communicate? How do you feel about each other? What do you want from each other? What do you want and what are you afraid of? élias and I would never have gotten together if we hadn't talked."

élias whispers something in Nika's ear. "Okay, I'll be quick. This island is a special place for us. Here is where we fell in love, here is where we said goodbye without knowing if we would ever see each other again and here is where we found each other again. We’d like to share this special place with you. Make the most of it!"

Adrien clears his throat. "I assume Philipp and I are sharing a tent?"