Page 3 of Bluebird

Philipp

Manga - Shaun Taylor McManus

"Hey, is there any chance I can stay after practice for a bit and dance on my own? The new combination is not an issue, I can keep up with it, but I still have so much catching up to do on the old routines."

Joshua looks at me in surprise. "You're practicing the old routines? Why?"

"I thought, now that Marius is gone... and you don't always dance the same routines, and the current one isn't finished yet. I found videos of three older choreos online and tried a bit at home, but I need more space. But maybe I’m still too bad to be at competitions anyway..."

Joshua raises his hands defensively. "Stop! You've been dancing with us for four weeks now and you’re already insanely good! Why did you take such a long break? It's unbelievable,” he replies. “And yes, it would be cool if you could maybe do two more of the old choreos. You can stay as long as you want, but please turn everything off and put up the zipper on the door so that it locks. You could ask Nika if she’d like to practice the partner parts with you a few times. Just to coordinate."

It's not a bad idea and Nika might be able to help me with the parts I didn't understand from the videos alone. But not today, today I have other plans, today I'm just dancing for myself.

I wait until Joshua is out, he's always the last one, then I connect my phone to the sound system and choose one of my absolute favorite songs to dance to. "Manga" by Shaun Taylor McManus. A melancholy piano melody, flowing and soft and yet loud and powerful. Sad, painful, a little desperate, so simple and so expressive.

My body starts to move to the music, all by itself. I don't have a set choreography for this song, and I never will. It's different every time, depending on how I’m feeling. That's what I love most about dancing. The moves come out of me, it lets out everything that's hiding inside me.

For me, this song evokes a very specific emotional association - longing. Looking for something, searching, looking for someone, missing something, wanting to hold on to something. Or someone. It reminds me of how much I wanted to be loved, maybe still do. But I am also afraid, and I realize that this is a new emotion this song is now carrying for me. It’s searching and holding on, but also retreating and seeking protection. My movements are flowing, soft, I use the whole space, step combinations and turns, small jumps.

My arms slowly pull forward as if I want to reach for someone, but they’re disappearing further and further out of my reach, when suddenly, two hands grab mine.

Startled, I open my eyes, but Nika takes the lead and turns in, so her back is against my chest, my arms crossed in front of her. "Don't stop." Just a soft whisper before she stretches her arms, slides her legs apart into a split and her body slides through my arms. Such a beautiful figure, so fitting for this song – she completely gets it.

While Nika lies down on her stomach with another twist on the floor, I follow her by twisting onto the floor kneeling and straddling her waist. Her head is pointing downwards, her forehead on the back of her hand. I grab her hands and pull them forward with mine until I seem to be lying on top of her. Together we search for something too far away to grasp. We give up and with a gentle push from my thigh, Nika turns onto her back beneath me. Her arms are now crossed, her hands still intertwined with mine. She bends her knees to push herself forward imperceptibly, just a little, so that I can lift her with me as I sit up. We may not have found what we thought we were looking for, but we have each other.

As she slowly straightens her spine vertebra by vertebra, her sternum pushed upward, she spreads her legs behind me. We sit facing each other, chest to chest, our hands still joined.

I release my hands and let my fingers slide down her arms until they rest at her waist. Only then does she lower hers, wrap them tightly around my head and lay her forehead on mine. The music isn't quite finished yet, but we stay in this position until the last notes have faded out.

"We need to talk!" Nika's tone is brash, and I wonder what I've done wrong. Did I touch her the wrong way? Why didn't she say anything? After four weeks of practice, I've got a pretty good feel for what works for her and what doesn't.

"I'm sorry if I..."

"What was that? How can you do that? That was awesome!" Nika is agitated, stunned, thrilled, but also a tiny bit angry.

"Uh... okay... thanks. Is everything good between us?" I need to know that first, then I'll happily answer the rest of her questions. Maybe.

"What? Yes, of course! Why shouldn't it be?"

"I thought I might have touched you wrong or something..."

"Believe me, you would have noticed. But you never touch me wrong. You know my boundaries without me having to tell you, always. I've never felt as comfortable with a partner as I do with you, Philipp, honestly! But tell me – what was that?" That's a huge compliment and I realize I'm blushing.

"Thank you, but I could ask you the same thing! What are you still doing here? I thought everyone had gone."

"Joshua caught me outside and told me what you were up to. He asked if I had time to help you a bit and unlocked the door for me again. Now, answer me."

Shit, I can't get out of this, right? I'm pretty sure Nika knows what's going on anyway. That dance was the best dance of my life and if I had the chance to do it again, that would be really cool. "I obviously don't need to tell you that it was Modern, because you seem to know Modern Dance quite well."

Nika shrugs her shoulders sheepishly. "That might be true." She tries to keep her tone innocent but fails. Miserably. I can’t stop the laugh rising inside me.

"I have a classical dance education... nine years of ballet. But so do you!"

"Eight years of ballet. It was just too obvious, wasn't it?" Nika grins. Her smile is infectious.

"To be honest, I've been wondering the whole time whether you come from a classical background, your execution is so completely different," I admit.

"We ballet people can't seem to hide from each other."

"Obviously not, but don't tell the others."

"Why not? Because ballet dancers are all gay and you're not up for the gossip?" I'm perplexed and speechless. "I've been around long enough, I know how that works."

No one has ever said it that directly. But as a man in ballet, you really do get that shit all the time. Even though I so fulfill the cliché, it gets old. "Something like that..."

Nika shrugs her shoulders; she loves to do that. "That doesn't matter at all in our group. Joshua originally came from ballet too; he'll be delighted when he hears that you have the same background."

I raise my eyebrows questioningly because I want her to explain a little more. "Well, it’s simple. Ballet dancers have a different range of movements, and you can work with that in HipHop too. Josh likes to use that for the partner elements. So far, these have always been solos by him and Vicki, who also danced ballet for years. Now we can join in! That's fantastic!"

Admittedly, I haven't thought about it like that yet. I’ve always had the experience of being the sissy who was told he had no place in hard HipHop.

"But I am gay." It literally bursts out of me.

"And that's important for this right now because...?" Nika looks at me uncomprehendingly.

Silence. Complete silence. I’d like to answer, but I don't know how.

"Look, you're out, I presume? But you're not advertising it." My head nods, my brain hasn't yet understood what she's getting at. "For dancing, it doesn't matter who you're into. To be honest, I'm more than glad it will never be me. That can be awkward as hell with partners and I’d hate to stop dancing with you, especially after tonight. You don't have to share your sexuality, it's nobody's business, but believe me when I tell you, nobody gives a shit either. The fact that you danced ballet for nine years on the other hand, gives us a performance advantage and we'd be stupid not to use it. Think about it."

Nika is right...

"And one more thing and then I'll shut up, I promise."

Why does she say things like that when I'm about to drink? Half of my water shoots out of my nose with laughter. Nika rarely shuts up with me. That’s interesting, because I know she’s very different with the others. "I want to dance with you again just like that! Soon. Modern impro.”