Page 32 of Bluebird

Adrien

That was an absolutely horrible idea. The woman at the table straight ahead stared at us for what felt like an eternity and now she's whispering to the friend sitting opposite her. Fantastic. Every single person of the group behind us has turned around at least once and we're not even sitting at our table yet. Philipp also senses that something is wrong with me. He's already asked twice.

The waiter brings us the menu and smiles knowingly as he lights the candle on the table. "I think we need a bit of a romantic atmosphere, right?"

Philipp looks at me questioningly and then nods. "Thank you." I search for the hidden accusation in his question, but I can't find it. Like not at all.

My hands are tingling. I nervously rub my palms over my thighs again and again. Philipp is asking again and again if everything is okay.

"If I've done something wrong...?" Excuse me? No! His voice is uncertain and weak. Shit, I didn't want that.

"What? No! No way! It's not you... I... there are so many people in here..."

The question marks behind Philipp's eyes get bigger. He tries to comprehend, but then asks. "What do you mean?"

"Everybody here is looking at us and whispering about us."

"First of all, I don't believe that and I haven't noticed it and second, why are you so sure they're talking badly about us?"

Does he not want to understand me or does he really not see it? "Because we're two men."

"Then that's their problem and not ours." I admire Philipp's self-confidence. He is so insecure in so many other areas, but he knows who he is and he has no problem to show it. I want to be like that too.

His hand is lying on the table, just a few inches away from my own. I’d love to take it, hold it. Let my thumb circle the back of his hand. The way he likes it so much, the way it relaxes him. Except that Philipp seems pretty relaxed tonight. I'm the problem.

"Adrien, talk to me, please. You're completely not yourself tonight and I don't understand why. It makes me insecure. Why..." He looks uncertainly from my hand to his, then hooks his fingertips between mine. "Why aren't you touching me? Like you usually do? Is it really because of the other people, or... is it because of me?" Philipp's voice shakes and it's my fault. "Are you embarrassed by me? I can understand if you are, really." His head drops to his chest, his gaze locked on the tabletop. "I...I just need to know that I'm...that I'm not making it worse. Oh God, I'm sorry!"

He quickly tries to pull his hand back, but I can't let him do that and grip tighter. What have I done? None of this has anything to do with Philipp, it's not his fault how my coming out went down. It's not his fault that everyone and everything in my head is talking badly about me behind my back. But I have to be honest with him so that he has any chance of understanding me and not making it his fault.

"It has nothing to do with you and I'm not embarrassed by you. You're by far the most handsome man in this place. No one comes even close to you. Ever since I first saw you on that stage, I've been comparing every single man to you, none of them ever stood a chance."

Philipp's eyes widen with every word and he bites his lower lip nervously. "But what is it then? We've been together so many times, what's different here?"

"We have been nearly always outdoors... it felt different... not so on display. We were either alone or only met people passing by... they didn't have time to stare... or question us..."

"Or we were drunk? Like in the Hexenkeller." Or that, yes. I shrug my shoulders. "But... you're out, aren't you? I didn’t get that wrong."

"I'm out, but... that wasn't my decision. That's the reason why I'm in Strasbourg in the first place. I never really wanted to leave Paris. Until I no longer had a choice..." Philipp deserves the truth. He has already shared so much of himself with me. Only now I understand how difficult this actually is.

"That sucks. No one has the right to out someone."

I take a deep breath. "It wasn't like that... I had a boyfriend and we got caught. At a huge party... in a bathroom."

"Oh damn, that's not cool. What happened then?"

I don't want to tell him, but I'll do it anyway. No secrets , Nika said. You have to trust each other . I don't leave anything out. Not how I pushed my ex against the sink, not how we kissed, not how he put me down as if I'd molested him, not that he didn't even look at me afterwards. And not that two weeks later he was strolling across campus with a pretty blonde girl in his arms. "The story spread through the university like wildfire. It felt like everyone knew the next day and suddenly no one was talking to me anymore. Nobody wanted to sit next to me in classes and I couldn't find a partner for projects. I was completely isolated from one day to the next. I couldn’t stay there."

"That's terrible, I'm so sorry. And you didn't get any support from your parents either. That's why you went to élias for Christmas. Right?"

"As I told you, my parents just completely deny the fact that I'm gay. My mother still tells me about the daughter-in-law she's always wanted and my father tries to sell me on some actress."

"Oh my God." Philipp slaps his hand over his face. "But that means you've only ever had bad experiences with the fact that you're gay, right?"

Now that he says it like that... Yes, that's actually pretty accurate. "élias was the first person who was completely okay with it. Like it was the most normal thing in the world."

Philipp looks at me sternly. "It is the most normal thing in the world. And there's no reason to be ashamed of it or not to live it openly. And when people look, it says more about them than it does about you, or me, or... us." The last word comes hesitantly, you could almost hear a question mark.

Is there an us? Will there ever really be an us? I want that more than anything else in the world.

"Are you struggling with the fact that you're gay?"

"No." My answer comes quickly and determined, and it's the truth. "I've never struggled with being gay. But I would have wished for more support and not for everyone to drop me. But then I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be sitting here today and the thought that I probably would have never met you and never got to know you... Maybe this whole mess was good for something after all."

"Yeah?" So much is happening behind Philipp's green eyes right now. There's still the uncertainty, the one that's always there, but also something like hope, shimmering in that mossy green that has captivated me completely from the start. I want to touch him, kiss his forehead, as I have done countless times before. Brush that one wild curl from his perfect face. Count his freckles. My hand moves towards him and as my palm rests gently on his cheek, my thumb strokes over thousands of tiny freckles.

"Yes. Just the thought that there could be a life without you is driving me crazy. If everything I've experienced was necessary for me to find my way to you, then I'd do everything the same again."

"Me too."

***

Since that conversation, we decided to be out in public more. Like really in public, with people around us. We visited a ruined castle and last week we were in Strasbourg and took a cruise on the River Ill. The boat was packed to the last seat, but I was no longer hiding. Our hands found each other, my arm was around his shoulders. I kissed him. On his forehead, his temple, his cheek, his hand, wherever I could reach. Never his mouth. He's not ready yet. He's still getting used to taking the little things for granted. Kissing is still too big, and that's okay. We've come so far and we'll go further, we just need more time.

***

Today we are in Gengenbach. The weather is great and there is an incredible number of tourists in the small town. The parking lot is almost full. "What's so special about this place that there are so many people here?"

The question is answered as we walk through the winding alleyways of the old historical town. We are surrounded by 300-year-old half-timbered houses with flowers in the windows.

"Do you fancy a bit of a view?" Philipp's voice is hesitant, reserved, as it always is when he suggests something, when he has an idea.

"My view is fantastic." Grinning, my gaze wanders up and down his body and Philipp turns bright red. Compliments are difficult, still.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, but you're welcome to try and show me something better."

"Okay, come on then." Smiling shyly, he pulls on our intertwined hands. We walk uphill through vineyards and leave the people behind us. Our destination is a small chapel on a hill above the town.

"Wow... that's amazing!" The view is breathtaking. We can see over the city and seemingly endlessly across the Kinzig valley to the Rhine plain and... "Are those the Vosges mountains back there?"

Philipp nods with a smile. "And you see that spire up ahead? That's Strasbourg Cathedral."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, but you can't always see it so clearly. We're just incredibly lucky with the weather today."

Suddenly his facial expression changes, the soft lines become harder, a small crease forms between his eyebrows. "I love this place, I was up here a lot as a child. Thank you for being here with me."

I take him in my arms from behind and rest my head on his shoulder. "Thank you for taking me here."

Philipp leans his head against mine very carefully. "Why are you so patient with me?"

The question is easier to answer than he might think. "Because you're worth it. Every second."

"It's so complicated in my head... what if... what if it doesn't get better... what if I never... you know?"

I kiss him gently on the forehead. I know the thoughts, I have them sometimes too. "Look how far we've come already. Standing here like this would have been unthinkable four months ago. And if you have to stop at some point, that's okay too. A relationship is so much more than sex."

"My ex would disagree with you..." You can't miss the bitterness in Philipp's words. I've already learned a bit about his ex – that their relationship was so difficult and screwed up his views on intimacy and tenderness. But I'm sure that everything I know so far is just the tip of the iceberg.

"Can I ask you something? What happened when you were with me for the first time? I honestly still don't understand what went down... what did I do wrong?"