Page 19 of Bluebird

Adrien

"Hey, are you alright?" élias taps me on the shoulder from behind and then stops next to me.

"Yes, I’m fine. You?" It's hard for me to tell him that I miss Philipp and that I'm about to break because I haven't heard from him since we got back. Which is because we didn’t exchange phone numbers. Such a rookie mistake. Now I have to hope that he either confirms my follower request on Instagram or that Nika and élias are planning something together again.

"Everything's fine with me, but why don't I believe a word you say?" Caught out, I roll my eyes and my best friend laughs. "Dark clouds in paradise? How are things with Philipp?"

"I don't know... I haven't heard from him since Saturday. We haven't exchanged numbers..."

élias furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "Why not? Nika and I were sure it would work out with you. You were so close at my parents’."

Just thinking about our time with élias's family brings a smile to my face. I've only ever been with a man behind closed doors. Not having to hide, just being able to do what feels right without having to worry about anyone saying anything... that was a really good feeling. I’m not sure I could do the same here. Here, where there are people who know me, who could talk behind my back...

élias's parents were with Philipp and me the same way as they were with Nika and her son. Ever since my involuntary outing in Paris, I was afraid of having to do this again at some point. I had a firm plan to simply not fall in love. Problem solved. And then Philipp came along... this beautiful man who still has no idea what he's doing to me when he looks at me with those mossy-green eyes, when he smiles and his freckles dance.

I still try figure him out yet. I can tell that physical closeness is difficult for him, that he's scared, that he's struggling. But I can also feel how he relaxes in my arms, even if he needs a moment to let himself go. Perhaps he has had bad experiences, which would explain why he needs time to allow closeness at all. That's why I haven't kissed Philipp yet, not on the lips. We have time.

"Hello? Adrien?"

"Hm? Oh, shit! Sorry! What did you say?"

"I'd love to look inside your head." Grinning, élias shakes his head. "Do you have plans tonight?"

"Shall we pick up Nika from practice?" I've been waiting for this chance all week!

"We would do that. And after, Nika had the idea that we could try out this new escape room... the four of us." He looks at me expectantly with wide, innocent eyes, but I don't buy the innocence as he's trying to stifle his grin.

"You two are impossible." I shake my head reprovingly, but I laugh. "Thank you."

"Not for that, you two belong together. The night is long, make something of it!"

***

The look on Philipp's face when he saw me in the doorway to the dance studio was priceless. Before his brain realized what he was doing, a smile flitted across his face and his eyes lit up. The moment was brief, too quickly the shadow enveloped him again, but it was real and that gives me hope.

The escape room was great fun. We complemented each other well and even had ten minutes left at the end. Nika has a totally crazy way of thinking. At first, her suggestions and conclusions made zero sense. She made connections that none of us understood. Philipp and I looked at each other more than once – only in the end, she was right about everything.

When we stumble out of our favorite bar, it's just before 1 am. Philipp and I quickly found our way back to the closeness we had at élias's parents. There was the usual hesitation and twitching and tension that goes with Philipp, but he doesn't push me away.

The night is cold and with my arm on his shoulder I hold him close to my body. Philipp is so tall that it's not that easy, but we make it work.

"Put the phone away, you can't go home at this time of night!" How the hell does Nika know what he's doing with his phone? Can she read his mind?

"Yes, I can see that too."

"You can just crash on our couch." élias and Nika walk ahead of us and Nika doesn't even turn around while talking to Philipp.

"You could also... I mean, only if you want to, it's totally okay if you prefer to spend the night with the two of them, but we've already been together..." It's a perfectly normal question, why am I so damn nervous? I turn my head to the side and whisper in Philipp's ear. Very quietly. If he doesn't want to answer me, he can just pretend he didn't hear.

"Do you want to spend the night with me?"

"Okay..." His answer is as quiet as my question, but it doesn't matter. He has chosen me and my heart skips a beat.

***

I can clearly see how nervous Philipp is the closer we get to my apartment and as I take out the keys, he takes a deep breath and exhales loudly. When we get upstairs, I take his jacket from him. "Do you want a drink?"

"Just a glass of water?" At first, I thought it was just some kind of empty phrase because he doesn't really know what to say. But then he empties the glass in one go.

We are more alone than ever before. There's so much I'd like to say to Philipp, show him, do, but I don't want to unsettle him or scare him off. I want him to feel safe with me. I carefully reach for the empty glass and take it from his hand, then I cup his face with both hands. We stand so close our bellies are almost touching.

"You are so beautiful. I could look at you forever." I gently stroke my thumbs over his nostrils and along his cheek following the countless brown little dots that spread on his face. "Your freckles drive me crazy."

"Yes?" Philipp's voice is quiet, incredulous.

"Yes, definitely! I would kiss every single one if I could."

"Okay..." With just this one trembling word, he closes his eyes.

I start at his temple, a place I've kissed many times before, he knows the feeling there. Then I slowly move over his cheek to Philipp's nose with small, gentle kisses. From there, I find my way over his chin to the corner of his mouth. My last stop would be that one freckle on his upper lip, but I'm not sure if I really dare to do that. Philipp seems relaxed, he's waiting, he knows what's coming and in the softest kiss ever, my lips very lightly touch his.

We kiss. Philipp is kissing me, his lips on mine, and I can hardly believe what's happening. My hands carefully clasp his narrow hips. I feel like I'm flying blind, I can't tell what's okay for him and what's not, I don't want to overwhelm him. We don’t need to rush, we have all the time in the world. His body feels so good, so close to mine, firm and muscular, his lips full and soft. We're almost the same height and I love it.

His hands are on my chest and I don't know if he even notices, but they're moving all the time. Not in a good way, nervous rather, unsure. He opens and closes his palms, pulls back briefly and then touches me again, as if he doesn't know whether he can touch me or not. Or wants to touch me. But he doesn't push me away.

I don't know how long we've been standing like this, but when my legs get wobbly, I push Philipp towards the bed and carefully lay him down before lowering myself over him.

Philipp is nervous, his fingers are clawing at my shoulders and his eyebrows keep twitching. I'm still not sure how much experience he has, but I thought Nika talked about an ex-boyfriend once. So why is he so nervous?

I slowly slide my hand under his t-shirt. Philipp flinches at the first contact with his skin. In one swift movement, he turns away from under me and stands up. With his head down, he opens his pants and lets them slide to the floor along with his boxer briefs. He doesn't even look at me and I try to understand what's going on, because one thing is obvious from his body language alone, this is not good.

With his pants still around his ankles, he sinks to all fours on the bed, his absolutely hot ass pushed up for me, his head buried between his arms so that I can't see him. I'm still lying on the bed and have no idea what to do. "What are you waiting for? This is what you want, isn't it?"

"Excuse me?"

"You want to... I get it. But..." Philipp's voice trembles, his whole body shaking.

Without thinking, I grab his forearm. "What's wrong?"

"I know it's a lot to ask, but would it be okay if you prepped me first? Otherwise it hurts so much." He speaks so quietly I can barely hear him and honestly I hope I misheard him. What the fuck? I'm so stunned I'm at a loss for words, completely, speechless.

"Please..." His voice is nothing more than a soft whimper and Philipp's whole body is tensed up and this time I'm sure of it. He is scared, almost panicked.

"No." Shit, I should have put that differently, because a desperate sob escapes from between the pillows and arms.

What happened to him? Who did this to him? It hurts to see Philipp like this. No matter how hot I am for him, I would never take advantage of him like that, I would never do that to him.

I slowly get up and fetch a woolen blanket from my armchair and carefully cover Philipp up. "No, because I'm not sleeping with you tonight."

"Why not? What did I do wrong? I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I'll make it up to you, I can do it, I promise." Philipp still doesn't look at me, his voice is desperate.

"You haven't done anything wrong. But I would be doing everything wrong if I just took you now." I carefully stroke Philipp's back, over the blanket.

"Don't you want me?"

“I do want you, very much so, but not like that. I don't know who did this to you, that you think that's how sex works. Sex can work like this if it suits both sides, if both want it like that, but you don't want it, you think you have to, you're scared and that is wrong. Let's just lay here together..." But I don't get to finish the sentence. Philipp jumps up from the bed, gets dressed at record speed and storms out of my apartment. Fuck.