Page 27 of Bluebird

Philipp

Achterbahn (Rollercoaster) - Helene Fischer

Okay, our first date is actually more of a double date. That wasn't the plan, it just turned out that way and when Nika and I had the idea, we both thought it was fantastic. Going out together in a relaxed atmosphere, dancing the night away to absolutely questionable music, with loads of other people, most of them drunk and happy.

Nika and I had long agreed that we would go to the Hexenkeller together at “Schmutziger Donnerstag”. We have a long carnival tradition and the atmosphere is always great as it is the beginning of this special season. It was Nika's idea to take élias and Adrien with us. She called it a "first relaxed get together".

Two days before, my head already was an absolute mess between screaming panic, exuberant anticipation and... heart’s beating. " I miss you." The words have been riding a rollercoaster in my head since they left Adrien's mouth. When I close my eyes, I can see his gaze as clearly as if he were standing right in front of me. Longing and painful. I miss him too, but I can't tell him, not yet. Fear takes over every time we get even a little closer. The voice in my head is getting louder and I remain silent.

I look at my watch, it's 1:34 am and the gin and tonic did its job tonight. Why I thought taking Adrien to the “Hexenkeller” was a good idea is beyond me. Shit. The alcohol has loosened me up and the fact that I think Adrien is hot is no secret. But... ah fuck, who would have thought he'd look so damn sexy in that cowboy costume.

Those skinny jeans that stretch around his ass every time he moves... I want to bite his ass cheeks like an apple. And this shirt, tight-fitting and plaid and the fabric stretches around his muscular biceps and I want to fall into those strong arms and let him hold me. I want to unbutton the shirt and lick over those taut pecs...

And I should stop drinking. My imagination completely runs crazy and I'm more than grateful my jeans aren't as tight as his. I can hide a little more. The thing is, I would never do any of these things that colorfully take over my imagination, because the moment I even touched him with my index finger, it would get loud in my head, panic would rise up and paralyze me. Or would it? That would happen, right? And how would I react if he touched me? No... too dangerous... and yet the thoughts continue to spin and the longing grows.

While Nika and I have grown up with Fasent, as we call it, the whole carnival scene is completely new to élias and Adrien, but to be honest, they are doing extremely well. They dance with us to German party hits, neither of them understanding a word of the lyrics, but they let themselves be carried away by the vibe and the catchy melodies. And yes, the alcohol certainly doesn't hurt either. We are all sweaty, our cheeks flushed, our eyes shining. I can't remember the last time I felt this alive.

The song changes and I recognize it immediately. A classic for many years now. “Achterbahn” [Rollercoaster] by Helene Fischer. I know the song so well that I can sing along, but the lyrics have never had any meaning for me. Today they hit me like a punch in the gut . It couldn't be more on point. I wasn't looking for Adrien and yet he found me. The best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

Oh my God. As if struck by lightning, I freeze in the middle of the dance floor. Adrien immediately realizes something’s wrong and looks at me questioningly. His gray eyes hold my gaze and I can't look away. My heart is pounding and I feel that my hands are shaking.

Helene Fischer sings on, words screaming directly from my heart, that describe so perfectly what I'm feeling right now. Everything around me becomes quiet, the people around me disappear, the music gets lower and the colors fade until it's just the two of us. And I sing with her. As loud as I can. Let it all out, every word that I could never say myself. Every one of them is true. After a short time, the beat of the song takes control of my body again. I start dancing, but keep singing for Adrien, who still holds my gaze as if his life depends on it . Asking him if he feels the same. If he doesn't know what's going on in his head either. Complete chaos but also a lightness that I haven't felt for so long. No gravity.

I’m singing only for Adrien, in a language he doesn't understand, and yet I have the feeling he senses exactly what is happening between us. The tension between us is almost palpable. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Nika and élias looking back and forth between us. Adrien's Adam's apple trembles as he swallows, his previously questioning gaze softens, but I can see it again, the pain and the longing.

I miss you. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I want to finish this song. Maybe one day I'll be able to look him in the eye and tell him how I feel about him, what a mess he's making of me. For now, I only have this song and I don't want to waste a second.

As the first tear rolls down my cheek, Adrien's lower lip starts to tremble.

The song is over. I have to get out of here, get out before I break down on the dance floor.

I force my way through the crowd. It's packed and I'm not moving as fast as I'd like. I don't want Adrien to follow me. What am I supposed to say to him when he asks me what that was all about? That he's driving me crazy? That I like him? But that I'm just so fucking scared. Because I don't know who I am anymore when I'm with him. Because I suddenly want things that scare me so much.

I want intimacy, but I don't know how to allow it, because my mind still associates it with pain and humiliation, just as it associates sex with pain and humiliation. I feel like Pavlov’s dog, except that my bell is a gentle touch, my expectation is not food but sexual violence, my reaction is not drool from my mouth but absolute submission. I have read that the conditioning is extinguished if the expected event no longer occurs in response to the initial stimulus over a longer period of time. But no one can say how long this really takes. Can I seriously expect that from a partner? Can I do this to Adrien?

I find a seat in the anteroom on a table leaning against a wall. Completely lost in my head, I plop my ass down on the tabletop. Just as I'm about to pull my knees under my chin, two legs in tight jeans slide between my thighs. Fuck... how the hell was he so fast.

The air here is much fresher than inside and from one second to the next, the alcohol takes over my head. It has to be that. I can't explain why else my head would suddenly fall onto his chest. But it feels so good... Fuuuuck.

Adrien says nothing, his hands reach into my curls gently and carefully massage my scalp. Goose bumps run all over my body and a shiver runs down my spine, but he doesn't let go. My body is enjoying this and at the same time my mind is waiting for Adrien to grab my hair hard and pull my head back.

"STOP BLUBBERING, DON'T BE A GIRL! DO I HAVE TO SHOW YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN?"

But nothing happens. He’s just standing here, with my head on his chest and his hands in my hair.

By now I'm sure the last gin and tonic was bad, because without my consent, my hands move to Adrien's hips. What the hell am I doing? I'm not allowed to touch, never, not like this.

"WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE? IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH ME, TAKE MY COCK AND JERK ME OFF!"

No, I don't want that, no way, I... I hear a soft whimper, followed by a short sniffle, Adrien's chest trembles. Only very slightly. He's crying.