Page 16 of Bluebird

Philipp

I don't know how much patience one can actually have. In general, but with me in particular. Adrien doesn't even question my behavior, he just gives me space when I need it, just like that.

I like Adrien, I just have no idea how this works, a normal relationship... at eye level. And I'm scared because I don't understand what he wants. With my ex, I knew that when we saw each other, he wanted sex, and I had to deliver whether I wanted to or not. Nothing from him was without ulterior motives, not a touch and not a word.

But I don't know what Adrien wants. I'd be quite happy cuddling at the moment... just leaning in, but that's kindergarten-level stuff, isn't it? My ex always said we were out of that age... I should have done that at 13. He let me know very quickly and very clearly how our relationship was going to work. We had sex on our first date. I wanted it too, I was curious and he said he knew what he was doing. I didn't say no and I didn't tell him to stop. He could assume that it was consensual... the first time and all the other times after that. But I didn't want it that way, I never wanted it that way. I didn't say anything out of fear he would leave me and out of fear of the accusations and the guilty conscience.

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE, DO YOU? IF YOU LOVED ME, YOU'D GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS AND GIVE ME YOUR ASS!"

And that's how it was. He was never interested in me coming or in my needs. I don't know what I like, what I want, I only know what I no longer want. But what if I hope for too much?

I'm standing at the window, lost in thought, looking out into the dark night when two strong arms gently encircle my waist. A gentle kiss on my cheek, a soft "Good night", then he curls up on one side of the bed. As promised.

Can a man really be that perfect? I don't dare to believe it, even though he hasn’t disappointed me so far.

When I'm sure Adrien is asleep, I change my clothes. If we're sleeping in the same bed under the same comforter, I definitely need a long-sleeved shirt. The risk of a t-shirt riding up and my upper arms showing is just too real. Changing in front of Adrien? Absolutely unthinkable. Adrien sleeps shirtless, I don't even do that alone at home. I don't want to see myself either.

When I finally go to bed, I'm so tired my eyes just fall shut. I wake up the next morning because the bed is moving underneath me.

Startled, I jerk my head up when I understand what's actually going on. I don't know who started rolling tonight, but Adrien and I are no longer lying next to each other. I'm even afraid that I'm the main culprit for our current situation, because I'm completely on top of him. Like an octopus with its tentacles, spread out and sucked in. And to be honest, this morning, in my sleeping delirium, I don't find it half as stupid or even a quarter as scary as I should. I’m floating.

Adrien moves beneath me and I lift my head in his direction. "What are you doing?"

"Um... I'm trying to get up?"

"But then I have to move." I push my lower lip out in a pout. "Let me sleep a little longer."

"Okay... I just didn't want to... if that's okay with you..."

I'll probably have my nervous breakdown in two hours when I'm really consciously awake. At the moment I'm so exhausted that I'm back asleep before I even close my eyes.

The next time my eyes fall open, it's light outside. Adrien is still lying underneath me, snoring softly. My head is on his chest, his left arm is holding me tight. I've never slept this close to anyone before. My ex wanted space. If I accidentally moved too close at night I didn’t hear the end of it.

"I'M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED! I'M NOT A CUDDLY TOY! IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO CUDDLE, BUY A CAT!"

I'm allergic to cats, but never mind.

Adrien doesn't push me away, he holds me tight. But what happens when he wakes up? I still haven't moved because it's kind of nice to lie here like this with him, but I'm afraid of what to expect when he wakes up.

Sometimes, if I was lucky, I was awake before my ex, then at least I had some time to get myself ready, even if it had to be quick and most of the time it wasn't enough. But better than usual... better than nothing. Usually I woke up because my ex rolled me over on my stomach and pulled my pants down. Then came the pain.

My mind says Adrien won't ever do that. But I can feel my fear rising. As Adrien moves under me, I stiffen, not my cock, but the rest of my body. He turns on his side and I brace myself internally for whatever is about to happen. I pinch my lips and my eyes together and try to relax. But… nothing happens.

Adrien pulls me in closer, his hand now on my chest. He kisses my neck gently, then my shoulder. A shiver runs through my body despite my long sleeves. I'm still waiting.

"Good morning." His words a soft whisper in my ear.

"Good morning." I answer carefully, because I'm not actually allowed to speak before sex in the morning.

"KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! DO YOU THINK I CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT EARLY IN THE MORNING? SHUT UP OR I'LL NOT ONLY FUCK YOUR ASS BUT ALSO YOUR MOUTH TO MAKE YOU CHOKE ON MY CUM!"

"Did you sleep well?" Adrien is now sitting up behind me. He rests one hand next to my head and gently caresses my cheek with the other. I nod. Yes, I slept well, very well in fact, if I'm honest with myself.

I'm still waiting for a reaction, for something, but it doesn't come. Instead, Adrien brushes my curls out of my face and gives me a kiss on the forehead. Not painfully, lovingly.