Page 31 of Bluebird

Philipp

"I have no problem with it being like this, I just want to understand..." What am I supposed to say? "How about the truth? You need to talk if you're going to make it work," Nika's voice whispers in my ear, but is drowned out the moment I seriously consider talking.

"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. HE'S JUST LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GET YOU LAID FASTER. AND THEN, WHEN HE FUCKED YOU LIKE YOU DERSERVE IT, HE’S GONE!”

That’s interesting. Didn't my ex “ tell ” me the other day that Adrien obviously doesn't even want to fuck me and that I'm useless? My mind is spinning its truths as it needs them. Is that what my ex did? Did he manipulate me like this? Did he make me so submissive that I didn't even realize that what he was saying made no sense?

I look at Adrien, into his gray eyes that look at me so gently and expectantly, and I decide to talk. "Because it has never been like this for me..."

Question marks appear in Adrien's eyes. "But... you had a boyfriend."

"Yes, but as you know... it was difficult." I know what he wants to ask and I can feel how much he’s struggling with actually asking the question. He's probably afraid of the answer.

"Why? Would you like to tell me about it?"

Not really like, but Nika is right. "My ex and I didn't have that... these little touches here and there. A hand in the small of my back or a little kiss in passing."

"But..." Adrien's look is unsettled and he searches for the right words. "But that's what it's all about, isn't it? When you... love someone. That you can't keep your hands off them, no matter how hard you try."

"I wouldn't know." I shrug my shoulders helplessly. "He didn't want it. He didn't want to be touched any more than he touched me, except... except during sex, that’s when he... touched me. But I was never allowed to..." I have to swallow. My mouth is dry and it’s more obvious than I like it to be.

Images run through my head like in a movie. I'm on all fours or pressed up against a wall and even over a year later I can still feel the pain.

"I'LL FUCK YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE IT!"

"That means, this..." Adrien puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close to him. "Is new to you? And that?" He kisses me gently on the temple. It's not entirely new, because Adrien has done it a few times before, but I nod anyway, because it feels new to me every time.

"And how does it feel?" Wonderful and terrible at the same time.

"That's not so easy to answer..."

"We have time." Adrien smiles and brushes a curl from my forehead. Then he reaches into a tin and holds out a bunch of grapes to me.

He gives me time. Time to sort myself and my words out. Time to find the courage to share another part of the chaos that is going on in my head.

"I like when you touch me, a lot, really, but it also scares the shit out of me because I never know what to do when you touch me. I never know what you want me to do."

Adrien gently leans his head against mine. "I don't expect anything. I'm doing this because I want to, because I want to feel you and because I always hope that you love how it feels as much as I do. You only do what you really want, what you're ready for. And if I do something you don't want, then you tell me. Okay?"

I swallow hard and my “okay” is more hushed than spoken. But I don't get told off for not speaking more clearly, I get another kiss, this time on my forehead and then one of my favorite olives.

And now I really can enjoy it. Nika is right. We need to talk more. Even if it is hard.

When all the boxes are empty and stowed back in the backpacks, it's my turn. "I've got a little something for the way back." Adrien's eyes widen as I open the big box and reveal two oversized cake pops.

"Whoa, did you make these yourself?"

I nod sheepishly and hold them out to him.

"I don't even dare to bite into them, they are so pretty."

"Not over the top?" My ex would have run me down for these. I should keep my head down, not always put myself in the spotlight.

"IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!"

It was always about him, for him, but he didn’t get that.

"Maybe a little,” he teases. “I would have been happy even if they didn't have chocolate sprinkles and Smarties on top. But like this? They’re crazy! Shall we share one?"

Sharing... another concept that I only know in theory. There was always his and mine, there was never ours.

"Here, the first bite is for you."

"No, you take the first bite, but I'll take the next. Promise."

Grinning and with his eyes closed, Adrien takes a big bite and seriously, watching him is even better than eating them myself.

***

"What are you doing today?" We had practice on Sunday morning. We're dancing a big competition next week and the new choreography still isn’t on point. Not even after the three hours we just wrapped up.

"Adrien and I are going to that Thai restaurant."

"Is that your bad boy hottie who always picks you up with élias?" Joshua asks in a teasing tone. I stumble over "your bad boy hottie" .

"We're not together. And he's definitely not a bad boy." My answer comes too quickly and too defensively, I hear it myself.

"But we agree he's hot?" Joshua can't let it go and I realize I'm blushing.

"Apparently that's obvious." I've never discussed my sexuality here before, it's never been necessary, but it looks like at least Joshua has put one and one together.

"Then why aren't you together? Everyone here can see that he’s into you, the way he’s always looking at you."

"Is that so?" I try to keep my tone playful, but it's actually a serious question, because since my ex, I no longer have confidence in my judgement.

"Hell yes! And you? You’re into him too?" My heart screams yes, except that it feels like so much more than just having a crush on him. There's so much intimacy between us, so much trust. Not physically, but emotionally. But I can't put it into words, so I just grin sheepishly and shrug my shoulders.

"Then why the hell aren't you together? You'd be so hot together!"

I can see in the corner of my eye that Nika is watching us. She's waiting for my answer, but she's also ready to jump in when she realizes I'm feeling cornered. Her gaze is highly focused.

"It's complicated... But, maybe one day..." I look around cautiously and wait for reactions, but nothing happens. Joshua smiles. "Then I'll keep my fingers crossed. Have fun tonight." And with those words, he swings his bag over his shoulder, waves once to the crowd and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" Nika looks at me triumphantly as we walk to her car together.

"What do you mean?"

"Did anyone even remotely care that you like men?" No, they didn't, but now that I know my crew a bit, I wouldn't have guessed it from anyone. I take a deep breath and put my arm around my best friend in the world as we walk to the car.

***

"Are you okay?" Adrien just nods quickly. "Really? You seem kind of nervous."

"No, it's fine, it's nothing."

"Don't tell me that bullshit. I know you a bit by now. What's going on?"

"Nothing, it's all fine. I'm fine."

Adrien rubs his hands dry on his thighs almost continuously - you can't sweat that much. Self-doubt overwhelms me.

"If I've done something wrong..."

"What? No! No way! It's not you... I... there are so many people in here..."