Page 33 of Bluebird

Philipp

Nothing. Nothing at all. On the contrary. "You didn't do anything wrong. If either of us did anything wrong at all, it was me." Adrien's arms around my chest hold me a little tighter, but I can still breathe, and I lean in.

"No, what makes you think that?" It still takes my breath away when he asks me about something; about my opinion or how I'm doing. But by now I know that he really wants an answer, that he's listening to me, that it's important to him to know things about me. No matter how small and unimportant they may be. And I manage to push his voice into the background, to stop listening all the time.

"Because I allowed my ex to turn me into what I am today..."

"And what are you?" Adrien is still holding me tightly to his chest.

"A relationship wreck? Too afraid of doing something wrong to form a deeper connection?"

Another gentle kiss on my temple. "That's not true, you just need a little more time. And you can't do anything wrong. There's no predetermined right or wrong in a relationship. There's only right or wrong for us."

"My ex would disagree with you..." Startled, I press my hand over my mouth.

"DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. ALL THAT COMES OUT IS SHIT! YOU REALIZED THAT YOURSELF, DIDN'T YOU?"

Adrien gently strokes my hand, intertwining our fingers. Then he guides my hand downwards with his, coming to rest on my chest.

"Why? What do you mean?"

I'm allowed to answer, I'm allowed to say how it really was. "With my ex there were... fixed rules... how I had to function. What he wanted and what I had to do when he did one thing or another..."

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly. It's hard to say it out loud. I feel so stupid. "Hand under the shirt meant drop your pants and turn around, I want to... fuck... "

I can feel Adrien breathing in and out deeply behind me, his chest rising and falling. When he speaks again, his voice is unsteady and strained. "And... if you didn't want to?"

"My willingness was never up for debate..." My head gets loud.

"I ONLY TOOK WHAT WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE! BE GLAD THAT I'M PUTTING UP WITH YOU AT ALL! I COULD HAVE A THOUSAND TIMES BETTER THAN YOU!"

"But, did you always want to?"

I shake my head. The truths, even the unpleasant truths. That's what Nika said. If we want this, us to work, we have to trust each other and we have to trust that the other person can handle our truths. "No. I didn't want to at all..."

"But... that's... fuck... you never said anything to him? Why?"

I let my head fall forward and immediately miss his touch. "I can still hear his voice in my head. The way he tells me that... that... shit..."

"You don't have to say it if it upsets you too much. He manipulated you." I shrug my shoulders. "And he abused you."

That word again. Is it really like that? "Nika said that too..."

"But you can't see it that way yourself?"

"I never said no..." Adrien releases his arms. That’s it. He's leaving. Now that he knows how weak and pathetic I am. Two hands grab my shoulders and turn me around. Then they tenderly embrace my face and lift my head.

"Look at me, please." This is harder than I thought, I’m afraid of what I’ll see in his eyes. Pity or disgust. But it's neither. It's anger and... love? But it can't be that. Can it? "You didn't say no to me in my apartment, on the contrary, and I still felt and saw that you didn't want to... that you were afraid. I would have gone anywhere with you that night. I wanted you so badly, but it would have been so wrong, for you."

I have to swallow. This can't be true, no one has ever done that for me before. "You've... you've taken a step back... for me? Nika was right... you protected me..."

"That's what you do, you care for each other... and even more so when you like someone..." Determined, he takes my waist and pulls me towards him. "I'll look after you, I'll take care of you, I promise. But you have to promise me something too. You have to be honest with me and say no if you don't want something. Please, I need to be able to rely on that."

His gaze is serious, pleading, but not demanding. There is no aggression in his voice. When I don't answer immediately, he pulls his left lip piercing between his teeth.

"I... I can't promise you that. I've never been allowed to say no, I can't say no, I've never learned how. But I promise you that I will try."

"Have I ever crossed a line before?"

"No, but I want to push my boundaries with you, though I'm very grateful for the time you're giving me."

Gently he leans his head against mine and kisses me on the forehead. "Okay?"

"Okay."

***

This conversation has changed something. Adrien is looking for more intimacy, more physical contact. More hugging, more holding hands. Our relationship is becoming more physical, but not in a sexual way and... I like it. Very much so. It's getting quieter in my head. Not quiet. Not quiet by a long shot. But the voice no longer paralyzes me so much. My brain still works and I can think clearly. Most of the time. It's more difficult when I'm alone. Then it's loud. Like now.

"TURN AROUND, NOW! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'RE NOT FEELING WELL RIGHT NOW! IF YOU WANT TO WHINE, GO TO YOUR MOMMY! BUT IF I WANT TO FUCK YOU, I'LL FUCK YOU AND YOU LIVE WITH IT! YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED WITH ME. AT LEAST I WANT TO FUCK YOU. YOUR NEW GUY ISN'T EVEN MAKING AN EFFORT! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU!"

But that's not true. Sometimes, when he holds me close to him, I can feel he’s hard. He wants me, but he doesn't take me, he's considerate. The only question is, how long can you wait for someone? How long can you be considerate? And when are your own needs so big that you have to move on?

I'm so scared that Adrien will move on without me. Or that he'll meet someone else who isn't as complicated as me. Someone he can kiss whenever he wants. Someone he can have sex with.

For a long time, sex wasn't a thing for me at all. Just the thought of the pain would freeze me in place. Until three weeks ago, I was one hundred percent sure I'd never do it again. Now I'm back to being curious. Curious as to whether things might be different with Adrien, who is so attentive to me and my needs. I just hope he has a little more patience.

"IF I CAN'T FUCK YOU, I'LL JUST GO AND FIND ANOTHER ASS! YOURS IS HOT, YES, BUT YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL! YOU ARE REPLACABLE!"

Someone else... oh my god, I never thought of that. Does Adrien have someone else to blow off steam with? I need to know. I quickly find my phone and type a message. "Do you have any other guys? Besides me?"