Page 44 of Bluebird

Adrien

A quick nod and I take it as a yes before he can change his mind. I pull the t-shirt over his head in one go. Philipp's eyes are closed, his lips pressed tightly together. He could go into hiding, or at least crouch down to hide his arms. But he just stands there stock-still waiting for the world to crash around him. He’s so scared, his lips are trembling. My gaze falls on his upper arms and I can understand his fear, even if it is completely unfounded.

I gently place my hands on his bare skin, but I don't hold him. If he wants to get away, he needs the freedom to do so. He flinches at the first touch, a soft whimper, but he stays still. Slowly, I let my hands wander up and down his arms and Philipp's head falls into his neck. Only now do I see the two tears running down his cheeks, right and left, and I hate his ex just a little bit more for what he did to this beautiful man who just wanted to be loved and then got this.

The freckles that I already love so much on Philipp's face play across his neck and spread over his shoulders, his chest, all the way to his hands. I follow their trail with light kisses. When I reach his upper arm, Philipp's whole body tenses up.

"Why are you doing this?" He whimpers more than he speaks.

"I love your freckles. They're everywhere. I don't even know where to kiss you first."

"But... the... I..."

"I know what you mean, okay. And yes, I think it's bad. But not because I think it's disgusting or ugly or whatever, but because I think it's bad that you feel like you need to do this." I run my fingers over the hodgepodge of old scars, new skin and fresh scabs, all in various stages of healing. It’s clear that he hurts himself often and has done so for a long time now.

"Sometimes it's just too loud in my head, so loud that I don't even feel myself anymore. Everything becomes so numb. So heavy. So out of control. The pain makes me light, free. In my pain I have the power. I know it sounds crazy, but that's how it feels." With the last word, his head falls onto his chest.

Even if I can't understand it, it doesn't sound crazy. I slowly run my hands over his arms again. First down to his elbows, then up to his shoulders and further until I can feel the slight tuft of beard on his chin and along his jawline. I carefully lift his head so Philipp has to look me in the eye. "Everything is okay. There's nothing about you that you need to be ashamed of, that you need to hide. Nothing at all."

My lips find his and I can feel how much he leans into this kiss, how he seeks to feel me close. Despite everything.

At first, I was afraid that I was putting too much pressure on him, which could have really backfired. Now I'm just relieved and happy that that's no longer standing between us. And to be honest, it wouldn't have gotten any easier with time.

I am surprised when I feel his hands on my waist and he pulls me closer to him until we are belly to belly in the water.

"Do you want to put the t-shirt back on when we get out of the water?" Right now, it's stuffed a little precariously into the waistband of my swim shorts.

"I don't care what other people think, as long as it's okay for you. You're the only one who matters." Philipp's look is so vulnerable.

"You're perfect just the way you are. I'm certainly not going to hide you."

A slight grin plays around Philipp's mouth. Mischievous and free. "Then fuck it."

And "fuck it" it was ever since. Even though I can tell he's struggling with himself, he no longer wears a shirt on the beach or at the pool. Which in turn means he walks around with that sexy six-pack on display all the time. I assumed that he was toned. Practicing three times a week and performing on weekends is a lot of exercise, but I wasn't expecting that . He looks so slim in his clothes.

This six-pack is my downfall. I feel like I'm half hard all the time and I’m especially hard in the morning, which triggered him so badly after that first night. I’m careful about how I lie down so that he’s not near my cock, but we move around a lot at night. Especially when we’re not completely sober.

We celebrated Nika’s and élias's farewell. The two of them "spontaneously decided" to drive up north to élias's parents for the second week of our vacation. If you asked me, I'd say it was planned that way, but hey.

I can already hear them rattling and packing outside. We should help, but my hard-on has to get a bit smaller first. But that’s not going to happen, because for the first time this week I'm not alone with it and it’s pretty damn hot.

Philipp lies behind me, his body pressing against mine. To be precise, his stiff cock is against my ass. And as if that wasn't enough, he is grinding against me in rhythmic movements. Fuck. I can feel everything through our underwear and he's certainly not small. My imagination is going wild and I can feel a wet spot growing in my briefs.

Philipp's hand presses firmly against my stomach, holding me close, but I'm still not sure he’s fully awake. He's not that free and relaxed when he is, not yet at least. This is his body, following the most primal instinct that has been suppressed by fear and pain for so long. It’s so hot. The little noises Philipp makes, his soft moans, and suppressed breathing.

Suddenly Philipp freezes behind me. "Shit! I'm so sorry! I didn't realize..."

I don't want to hear an apology, because there's nothing to apologize for. In one movement, I turn around and roll Philipp under me onto his back. Our cocks separated only by two thin layers of fabric. Philipp stares at me with his eyes wide open. Shame and fear of being rejected swimming in his gaze - until I roll my hips for the first time. "Ahhh... fuck! What are you doing? Oh God!"

"I'll show you..." Once again, I rub our cocks together. "...that there is nothing..." Again. "... to be sorry for." Again.

Philipp moans and writhes beneath me. His hips push upwards. More friction, he’s seeking more friction. His breathing is irregular.

"Should I stop?" My hip stops.

"No... don't stop... please don't stop."

"Can I take off your briefs?" I'm no longer fully aware of what I’m doing either, or I wouldn't have asked this question. Too fast. I am too fast. But Philipp's "yes" is loud and clear and can't be misunderstood. I straighten up and make short work of his briefs as he pulls on mine. "You too..."

Philipp's eyes roll back with a groan as we touch again, skin to skin. "Ahh. That feels so good... Why does it feel so good?" He talks during sex, who would have thought. I have to smile, because there's nothing better than watching Philipp lose more and more control, letting go. Our movements become faster and firmer, both in search of more, until Philipp's body suddenly tenses under me and his hips shoot up. I can feel his cock twitching next to mine and his cum between us. His moans are so loud that I press my lips to his. He claws at my back with both hands, holding me tight when I feel my own orgasm rushing through my body.