Page 24 of Bluebird

Adrien

Heartbeat Failing (Piano Version) - Dead by April

He ignores me. Philipp doesn't even look at me anymore. All the familiarity we've built up over the last few weeks and months is gone. I'm sure he's scared. Of me? What have I done?

It's been four weeks since we last spoke, but nothing has changed between us. We don't meet up anymore, not even the four of us. For three weeks now, I've been there every time when élias picks Nika up, all three days of the week. I'm not kidding myself; I know that élias only does it for me. He doesn't usually hang out at the dance studio three nights a week. And to be honest, Nika is very capable of getting home without her boyfriend... In her car.

But I want to see Philipp. I'm not ready to give up on him, even though I have the feeling he can't even be in the same room as me. For the last three weeks, he almost always left the studio in a hurry when he saw me. Almost, because it's been different since last week. I have the feeling he's looking at me again. Only briefly, out of the corner of his eye, but that's a step, isn't it? A small one, but in the right direction.

***

Music is already playing when we arrive. Philipp's eyes are closed and the two of them are moving to the soft sounds of the piano. I know the melody and the singer's voice. It's Dead by April, but I can't figure out the song.

"Ah, they've just started." élias quickly slips through the door and leans against the mirror front, me following behind.

The chorus starts and ah shit, now! I haven’t listened to this version in a while and I wasn’t expecting it. This is Dead by April and “Heartbeat Failing” is one of my absolute favorite songs. Philipp knows that, just like I know that his favorite song is “Forever Young” by Alphaville. It can't be a coincidence that they're dancing to this song here.

This piano version is incredibly beautiful and seeing Philipp and Nika dancing to it hurts.

The two don't really have a fixed assignment of who leads and who follows in their improvisations; it changes constantly, depending on what the music offers and who brings in which ideas. This time it's different.

Nika leads with a dominance that is second to none, which is exciting because Nika doesn’t have a dominant personality. Even though the two of them always seem very balanced, if I had to choose, I would even say that Philipp is the naturally dominant one in their relationship. Which is in stark contrast to his behavior off the dance floor.

Today, every single one of Philipp's movements has its origins in Nika. Sometimes she touches him, holds him tight, pulls him towards her or pushes him away. Sometimes she moves around him and he follows her as if she has an invisible power over him that he cannot escape, he is completely in her hands. She gently entices him, only to let him fall at the last moment.

And Philipp falls, deeper and deeper. His face is contorted with pain. I can hardly hold back, I want to run to him, take him in my arms, hold him tight, protect him. In response to the last beats, Nika pulls Philipp to his knees in front of her. She doesn't touch him, but her hand swings as if she was slapping him in the face. Once, twice, the third time, Philipp turns backwards and falls onto his stomach. Gone.

In one swift movement, Philipp pulls his legs under him so that he is kneeling again, his head buried in his arms. Nika sinks to the floor next to him, one hand on his back, her eyes fixed on me.

"Phew... that was different..." élias shakes his whole body, as if he wants to get rid of some animal crawling down his back. I nod, but my gaze remains on Philipp, who is slowly rising to his knees. His upper body is turned towards me, so if he lifts his head now, our eyes meet.

My heart stops for a brief second when my eyes finally catch his. Philipp swallows hard and his lips twitch. Nervous blinking interrupts our eye contact again and again, but only for milliseconds. He holds me as tightly as he can with everything he has. And I don't let go of him. I can't. From the first moment I saw him dance on stage, a piece of me has belonged to him. I'm not complete if he's not with me.

Suddenly, a slender hand enters our field of vision. Philipp reaches out and lets himself be pulled up without even looking at Nika. She stands on tiptoes whispering something in his ear. A brief nod from Philipp, then she turns around and flies into élias's arms with quick steps.

My gaze follows her to the left. Seeing them together like this stings more than I want to admit. I'm jealous of what they have, the lightness, the closeness. When I saw Nika for the first time, I thought this would never work. But the two of them are perfect together, I quickly realized that. If someone ever loves me the way Nika loves élias, I'll be the happiest man in the world. No, that's not true, I would be happy. If it were Philipp, then I'd be the happiest.

He approaches me cautiously, like a shy deer. I try to find his mossy-green eyes that I miss so much. When our eyes meet, an uncertain smile plays around his lips.

"I miss you." I didn't really want to say that. Out of reflex, I squint my eyes and let my head fall onto my chest. Shit, I hope I didn't scare him off. But when I open my eyes again, Philipp is still standing in front of me. Still with a cautious smile, but his expression has changed. Something new flashes in his eyes, something like hope.

"Hey... good to see you." My voice is raspy.

"Good to see you too." Philipp whispers, barely audible, as if he's afraid to say it out loud.

And now? What happens next? What should I say? I mustn’t miss the right moment, but I'm afraid of destroying everything again.

"Would you like to..." Philipp says at the same moment as I blurt out, "Could you imagine..." Neither of us finishes our sentence, but we both laugh.

I love laughing with him, love seeing the dark veil behind his eyes lift and make way for an almost childlike curiosity. "Your eyes light up when you laugh, but you do it far too rarely..."

"I don't know how anymore." Philipp's voice breaks and his gaze falls to his feet. "Do you..." Nervously, I run a hand through my short hair. "Do you want to learn again? With me?"